Is it possible to learn to enjoy sex with someone after years of bad sex?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are having lots of problems, one of which is bad sex. For me, sex was never that great with him, but it was okay and I did have orgasms while we were dating and a bit after we were married. So many other things about him were great -smart, interesting, same values, wanted a family, good stable job, loving and affectionate and thoughtful and considerate, etc- that I thought that maybe great sex isn't the most important thing in a lifelong partner, that respect and stability and consideration were more important in the long run. So we got married, had two kids, and now are dealing with extreme financial stress- unemployment, lost our house, debt, etc.

Since the kids were born I find it harder and harder to force myself to have sex with him. I haven't had an orgasm with him since shortly after we were married but I used to do it anyway, hoping it would get better and thinking that he deserved it. I tried telling him what I like, showing him, asking him his desires, being more affectionate and spontaneous or going the other way and scheduling sex, and other things but nothing improves. Now with all our other stress I am almost repulsed by him but still force myself to do it every few months. I am of course very unsatisfied with this situation and so is he.

We have started counseling, and I wonder if there is even a chance that we can have a satisfying sex life. I know it is all my own fault for marrying someone with lackluster sex, but is it even possible to turn this around if we try? Has anyone ever done this?

[Anonymous]

Have you brought it up in counseling? Does your husband even know? Hard to change it if you aren't being honest. But I'd recommend a sex therapist.

[Anonymous]

Great question. I'm in the same boat with my H - he cheated. Sex was good but not great. I'd cum but it took a lotta work. Plus I've only had 3 partners. Anyway, fast forward, I just can't sleep with him after the cheating even though I'm trying to make it work. I don't feel as though I love him, no passion. I respect him as a man and father but no attraction.

Any success stories?

[Anonymous]

OP, there is an awful lot of blame on your DH but you have some issues here. You married someone who, you knew, you weren't really sexually compatible with. I agree that the other things were important, but it seems like you are dealing with something else here - like maybe you didnt think you deserved the whole package, that there wasn't a guy out there for you who would be a great husband and father and who you were really attracted to.

So yeah, I think you can be helped, but it's not just about your husband and your relationship, it's you too. You settled for a long time....why?

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes op. ExACTly it didn't end well for me/us (incompatibility > lack of desire > no sex > increasing mean fights > so even LESS desire > sex ends > his cheating > divorce).

I wish you well. You're in a very difficult predicament with no tidy solution.

You're about to get a lot of responses from people who either didnt read carefully or have never been in your head like I have. They will tell you unhelpful things like buy lingerie, Have Date Night or "take a trip sans kids to rekindle blah blah blah.".

I know that you can't "rekindle" pheromone chemistry that wasn't there in the first place, and no amount of tutorials will help. In fact, tutoring makes it worse IME.

[Anonymous]

Possible, but rare.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can but it won't happen only having sex every few months, and it won't happen if you create this expectation and pressure that he is responsible for good sex.

[Anonymous]

Why is it bad?
Are you not attracted to him on a physical level?
Or is what he does in bed unappealing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is an awful lot of blame on your DH but you have some issues here. You married someone who, you knew, you weren't really sexually compatible with. I agree that the other things were important, but it seems like you are dealing with something else here - like maybe you didnt think you deserved the whole package, that there wasn't a guy out there for you who would be a great husband and father and who you were really attracted to.

So yeah, I think you can be helped, but it's not just about your husband and your relationship, it's you too. You settled for a long time....why?

On the other hand, sometimes people marry someone they have intense physical chemistry with and it wanes or changes over time, with careers, with kids, with stress, etc. So it's not like OP was being totally unreasonable and/or down on herself. I think in a long-term marriage sometimes maintaining physical intimacy can be a lot of work. JMHO.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat as you..... I am trying this now http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/06/09/365-day-of-sex-the-secret_n_106100.html , but not sure if it works for cases like ours.

Still, I have found that it is good for our relationship, but this woman must have been a SAHM. Doing it every day is hard when you jiggle also jobs and kids.

[Anonymous]

"I haven't had an orgasm with him since shortly after we were married but I used to do it anyway, hoping it would get better and thinking that he deserved it. I tried telling him what I like, showing him, asking him his desires, being more affectionate and spontaneous or going the other way and scheduling sex, and other things but nothing improves. Now with all our other stress I am almost repulsed by him but still force myself to do it every few months."

This would be a massive ego blow to most guys. You may both need private counseling to deal with this.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I haven't had an orgasm with him since shortly after we were married but I used to do it anyway, hoping it would get better and thinking that he deserved it. I tried telling him what I like, showing him, asking him his desires, being more affectionate and spontaneous or going the other way and scheduling sex, and other things but nothing improves. Now with all our other stress I am almost repulsed by him but still force myself to do it every few months."

This would be a massive ego blow to most guys. You may both need private counseling to deal with this.

Good luck.

Yep knowing your wife forces herself to have sex with you, only ever had sex with you because she thought you deserved it, is repulsed by you, and thinks you are bad in bed is not the recipe for any kind of healthy or good sex life. The poor guy likely has been destroyed by this.

[Anonymous]

Op can you orgasm on your own?

If so, work that into your routine with the DH. If you want to learn how, go to the explicit forum.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar boat. However DH is such a good guy, it would kill me to break it to him that he just does not do it for me. I married my best friend, which is a problem. However we do not fight, we are kind to each other and I make a weekly attempt and have a powerful imagination to drum up an orgasm.

I consider this my fault for marrying someone I did not have strong sexual chemistry with. I'm not going to ruin his world or crush my children over my error, so I just deal.

Luckily we get along great and have a fun together so I don't have any other complaints. However, I do not have hopes of somehow becoming more attracted to him.

Also, his weight is an issue. I wish he would fix that. It would go a long way. I'm very physically fit and a sloppy body is not attractive to me. However, he does not seem too concerned with trying to look good for me.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thank you all for your thoughts. And to everyone in the same boat, I really feel for you. The outlook doesn't seem great, does it? To answer a few questions-

- My husband is in shape and good-looking. Visually I think he is handsome, but from the very first kiss there was no chemistry. He is just not arousing to me at all. So there is no spark to rekindle.

- Like PP, I used to be able to conjure up an orgasm but since the stress of young kids and financial issues and fighting I just can't anymore. I can have an orgasm on my own.

- I have never told my husband the full truth because it seems like a horrible, awful, mean thing to say and I have no desire to be mean to him. I have tried all kinds of things as I said, like showing him things I like, etc but it just doesn't work.

- I am painfully aware that this is my problem and my fault, and that I probably didn't believe deep down that I deserved or would find the "whole package" as PP said. But what can I do about it now? I will try doing it more often or working my own thing into our sex.

Thanks, all!