Is it possible to learn to enjoy sex with someone after years of bad sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never heard of bad sex before.

Must be a guy. Must not be "sex" unless you have an orgasm.

[Anonymous]

If you're both happy with the frequency and quality of sex (or lack thereof) then it's not a problem. It's a problem if there is a disparity. And, it's a problem that's your fault if you knew or should have known before marriage that you weren't going to be sexually attracted enough to meet his/her needs or expectations.

Why does marriage give one the right to as much sex as the more interested party wants? Why does that need trump the partner with a lesser drive's needs. Such a selfish way to look at it. It's your fault? Seriously? Once you're married you are required to put out whenever your spouse wants you to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem I have with this argument is that you are describing mating behaviors. Yes, biologically women are drawn to the alphas, but after 15 years of sex, marriage and sharing a house, kids in the next room, those hormones and that rush of chemicals from infatuation are long gone. When you can't rely on that romantic love/mating behavior whatever you want to call it, you have to step it up in other ways. That's when the whole, love is patient, kind, blah blah blah comes in. You have to work on building an intimate relationship to keep the sex interesting.

My hypothesis is that those mating behaviors never go away. The alpha behavior simply diminishes and, along with it, the sexual passion. Guys are told to emphasize the sorts of good behavior that supports a long term marriage, enables them to provide a house, makes them good Dads, and reduces conflicts with their wives. And those aren't bad things; but they are not sufficient. A guy ends up in his mid-40s feeling like a chump -- he did everything he was asked to do and, in return, he gets a wife who dreads bed time for fear he might try to touch her. I think we also have to tell guys that it's necessary for them to keep doing the things that make them sexually attractive - go work out; learn how to dress well and spend some money on some sharp clothes; maintain your own hobbies and guy friends even if it ruffles feathers from time to time; don't be afraid to be decisive. Initiate sex in a way that makes it clear you still find your wife so damn hot you can barely control yourself. (E.g. skip the tentative pawing hoping she'll "take the hint"; or asking "do you want to do it").

I'm the poster you are responding to, and I def agree with the last part. Women (and I am) like to feel WANTED and pursued. I get that men do too. For us, we met young, early 20s, and I had just spent the last almost decade dating young guys who were not shy about pursuing sex and pursuing it hard. Truth is, I never learned to initiate. I suspect most girls don't. It's taken care of you for you for the most part. So I was kind of clueless when we had been together for years and his ego started taking a bruising, and yeah, it was a cycle because it's not attractive to a woman to feel like they have to validate the dude. It's a cycle and you get in a rut....

The good news is, people continue to mature and evolve and grow up and your sex life needs to do the same thing. If you get rid of the expectations so many of us have, and start communicating like a grown up, you can go a long way to a great sex life. I think too many people give up and settle. Hence divorce, affairs, sexless marriages, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem I have with this argument is that you are describing mating behaviors. Yes, biologically women are drawn to the alphas, but after 15 years of sex, marriage and sharing a house, kids in the next room, those hormones and that rush of chemicals from infatuation are long gone. When you can't rely on that romantic love/mating behavior whatever you want to call it, you have to step it up in other ways. That's when the whole, love is patient, kind, blah blah blah comes in. You have to work on building an intimate relationship to keep the sex interesting.

My hypothesis is that those mating behaviors never go away. The alpha behavior simply diminishes and, along with it, the sexual passion. Guys are told to emphasize the sorts of good behavior that supports a long term marriage, enables them to provide a house, makes them good Dads, and reduces conflicts with their wives. And those aren't bad things; but they are not sufficient. A guy ends up in his mid-40s feeling like a chump -- he did everything he was asked to do and, in return, he gets a wife who dreads bed time for fear he might try to touch her. I think we also have to tell guys that it's necessary for them to keep doing the things that make them sexually attractive - go work out; learn how to dress well and spend some money on some sharp clothes; maintain your own hobbies and guy friends even if it ruffles feathers from time to time; don't be afraid to be decisive. Initiate sex in a way that makes it clear you still find your wife so damn hot you can barely control yourself. (E.g. skip the tentative pawing hoping she'll "take the hint"; or asking "do you want to do it").

I'm the poster you are responding to, and I def agree with the last part. Women (and I am) like to feel WANTED and pursued. I get that men do too. For us, we met young, early 20s, and I had just spent the last almost decade dating young guys who were not shy about pursuing sex and pursuing it hard. Truth is, I never learned to initiate. I suspect most girls don't. It's taken care of you for you for the most part. So I was kind of clueless when we had been together for years and his ego started taking a bruising, and yeah, it was a cycle because it's not attractive to a woman to feel like they have to validate the dude. It's a cycle and you get in a rut....

The good news is, people continue to mature and evolve and grow up and your sex life needs to do the same thing. If you get rid of the expectations so many of us have, and start communicating like a grown up, you can go a long way to a great sex life. I think too many people give up and settle. Hence divorce, affairs, sexless marriages, etc.

Thank you for the encouraging words, you are so right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not interested in sex at all, but I find that with a couple glasses of wine to get me started, I can fake it in the beginning and actually usually enjoy myself. Wine is the key!

Hi honey!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you're both happy with the frequency and quality of sex (or lack thereof) then it's not a problem. It's a problem if there is a disparity. And, it's a problem that's your fault if you knew or should have known before marriage that you weren't going to be sexually attracted enough to meet his/her needs or expectations.

Why does marriage give one the right to as much sex as the more interested party wants? Why does that need trump the partner with a lesser drive's needs. Such a selfish way to look at it. It's your fault? Seriously? Once you're married you are required to put out whenever your spouse wants you to?

Ok, no, like everything else there should be compromise. The less interested partner should do it more than he or she would like, ideally, while the more interested partner does it less often.

[Anonymous]

I was once in a serious long-term relationship where I was not physically attracted to the man, but loved him and everything else about our relationship. It was so hard to finally break it off and I know that it must have hurt him far more than I can ever imagine (he married soon after and has a child; I also married soon after and have children). I am so, so glad that I didn't marry him. For a while, I worried that I could not have both sexual attraction and a functional, loving relationship with someone who respected me (even though I had had a relationship previously that fit both criteria). Then I met DH and our sexual attraction has been fine. Not blazing hot, but I am attracted to him and enjoy having sex with him, unlike my attraction-free relationship where it felt gross and incestuous to have sex with the guy even though I loved him as a person.

So I would say it depends on what you mean by bad sex. If you mean you aren't attracted to your DH (which from your posts it sounds like may be the case), I'm not sure that can be fixed. I was thinking bad sex meant that your DH had bad technique, which can be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was once in a serious long-term relationship where I was not physically attracted to the man, but loved him and everything else about our relationship. It was so hard to finally break it off and I know that it must have hurt him far more than I can ever imagine (he married soon after and has a child; I also married soon after and have children). I am so, so glad that I didn't marry him. For a while, I worried that I could not have both sexual attraction and a functional, loving relationship with someone who respected me (even though I had had a relationship previously that fit both criteria). Then I met DH and our sexual attraction has been fine. Not blazing hot, but I am attracted to him and enjoy having sex with him, unlike my attraction-free relationship where it felt gross and incestuous to have sex with the guy even though I loved him as a person.

So I would say it depends on what you mean by bad sex. If you mean you aren't attracted to your DH (which from your posts it sounds like may be the case), I'm not sure that can be fixed. I was thinking bad sex meant that your DH had bad technique, which can be fixed.

Can I ask you why you were not attracted to that boyfriend? Was it for lack of chemistry or was it something physical you did not like about him?

I am not the OP, but I am trying to figure out for myself if sex technique alone can improve our marriage or there is really something deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was once in a serious long-term relationship where I was not physically attracted to the man, but loved him and everything else about our relationship. It was so hard to finally break it off and I know that it must have hurt him far more than I can ever imagine (he married soon after and has a child; I also married soon after and have children). I am so, so glad that I didn't marry him. For a while, I worried that I could not have both sexual attraction and a functional, loving relationship with someone who respected me (even though I had had a relationship previously that fit both criteria). Then I met DH and our sexual attraction has been fine. Not blazing hot, but I am attracted to him and enjoy having sex with him, unlike my attraction-free relationship where it felt gross and incestuous to have sex with the guy even though I loved him as a person.

So I would say it depends on what you mean by bad sex. If you mean you aren't attracted to your DH (which from your posts it sounds like may be the case), I'm not sure that can be fixed. I was thinking bad sex meant that your DH had bad technique, which can be fixed.

Can I ask you why you were not attracted to that boyfriend? Was it for lack of chemistry or was it something physical you did not like about him?

I am not the OP, but I am trying to figure out for myself if sex technique alone can improve our marriage or there is really something deeper.

It's hard to say. It is partly that I didn't find him that physically attractive, for sure. He had a chubbier body type than I am attracted to, a big nose, crooked teeth (but my DH has a big nose and it doesn't bother me at all). But there was more to it than that, because I've had really good sex with other guys who didn't have the best bodies or weren't my "type". It was just that it felt like having sex with my brother, just kind of incestuous and wrong. And also, I was just turned off by everything he did and said surrounding sex. He called oral sex (on me) licking and would ask permission to do stuff. I do think it kind of goes back to the alpha-beta stuff to some extent too. Even thinking of sex with him is still gross to me even though I haven't talked to him in almost 10 years. I feel so bad saying that because he is a truly wonderful person, but there you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Felt the same OP, but have sex two or three tomes a week. That really helps. Maybe your intimacy is so infrequent, you never have a chance to make a good connection.

I don't know... I'm in the same situation as OP, sort of. We had mind-blowing sex before we got married. After we were married, it got stale quickly.

I have sex with DH 1-2 times per week, religiously, but god, I hate it. I hate fucking him. He criticizes me constantly in bed. I'm making a solid effort, but I get nothing out of sex. I don't orgasm. I don't feel pleasure. It's just a chore, like doing the dishes. It's all about what he wants and it doesn't matter how much I give him, he just wants more and has suggestions for what else I could do.

If he dies or we divorce, I'm never having sex again. I'll just buy a bunch of vibrators and stay in my room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume the wives complaining about their out of shape husbands will give their husbands 90 minutes a day to work out, walk/run, etc.

I assume they won't complain one minute about their fat husbands and then go on about wanting desert, etc.

I complain about physique. I work out T/W/Th/sa/su (and I work FT. I offered my husband that I would 100% do the full morning routine with the kids so he couldgo to the gym. He lasted a week. He does not care to try to look good for me, while I'm here firm and fit. He sure has a hard time keeping his hands off me but does NO work to try to attract me. I keep myself maintained and even had my boobs fixed after I had kids. Him? No effort.

As far as dessert. Do you think I remain a size 4 with no cellulite eating ice cream in front of the TV at night?

[Anonymous]

how do you sustain a marriage where there is no sexual chemistry? how does one enter a marriage knowing there is no sexual chemistry? I realize that sex is just one component of a good relationship but seesh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how do you sustain a marriage where there is no sexual chemistry? how does one enter a marriage knowing there is no sexual chemistry? I realize that sex is just one component of a good relationship but seesh

In my case it was not no sexual chemistry...just a 6 out of 10. Throw in time, kids, and a dude who won't maintain his body and it quickly drops to a 2. In hindsight, I should have married a 10 in order to settle into a 6.

[Anonymous]

has anyone read the research about how being on the pill can mess with your normal attraction? apparently, women go off the pill and sometimes lose interest in their longterm partners

[Anonymous]

My BIL is obese and SIL is a triathlete. They seem really solid, but I always cringe when I think of them doing it. But DH and I are in a similar quandary as OP. DH is not a turn on at all anymore, sex is a chore for me, and I am about to let myself go fat, since he is so flabby. Yeah, if I end up alone after we're all said and done, it'll be me and my battery operated friend.