Is it possible to learn to enjoy sex with someone after years of bad sex?

[Anonymous]

DH and I could have written this - down to struggling with financial issues and the fact that I married a nice person but for whom the bedroom spark was never there. I struggle with the same issues as you OP. From a male point of view I feel like the lack of sex feeds on itself, you start to have less affection, then less kind words, etc. It becomes its own feedback loop. And what is worrisome is when you lose that part of the relationship you lose some of the natural caring. I find myself checking out, hoping to rebuild financially, and thinking of divorce. We haven't had sex in years and I do not see it getting better - if anything once the kids are out of the house I think it will get worse. Wish I could offer you workds of encouragement but hard to love with no physical affection (gentle carass,etc.)

[Anonymous]

funny my dw could have written this. less affection -> less mutual respect -> even less affection-> mutual resentment.

[Anonymous]

Google Jason julius

[Anonymous]

Marrying these guys was awfully selfish. If they hadn't married you ladies, they could have built a life with a woman who loved having sex with them.

But, water under the bridge. You might give Athol Kay and "Married Man Sex Life" a look. Generally he advocates that wives will be more likely to respond if guys improve themselves in "alpha" ways such as losing weight, building muscle, making more money, and taking charge in the household.

This is particularly true in relationships where the guy is doing well with his "good beta" behaviors -- helps around the house, takes care of the kids, and generally provides the support the wife wants. These all-beta, little-alpha relationships tend to be the ones where the couples are good friends but there is no sexual spark.

Good luck.

Also, see, e.g.: http://marriedmansexlife.com/take-the-red-pill/alpha-and-beta-male-traits/

[Anonymous]

Felt the same OP, but have sex two or three tomes a week. That really helps. Maybe your intimacy is so infrequent, you never have a chance to make a good connection.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could see a dr. and get on libido boosters?

[Anonymous]

PP again, you know, I married a guy I had great sexual chemistry with. And he was a horrible husband. Did not help support the family, did not help parent. We are divorced.

Sex is not a good basis for marriage. It's important, but there are other things that are more important.

[Anonymous]

"This is particularly true in relationships where the guy is doing well with his "good beta" behaviors -- helps around the house, takes care of the kids, and generally provides the support the wife wants. These all-beta, little-alpha relationships tend to be the ones where the couples are good friends but there is no sexual spark."

I highly doubt there are any studies supporting this theory. A guy can be "beta around the house" and still be aggressive in the bedroom.

OP's problem is: 1) she need to take more responsibility for having orgasms with her husband, to include masterbating her self, seeking a sex therapist, etc.; 2) it sounds like they are going through a really stressful time right now, and that will always impact a couple's sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is particularly true in relationships where the guy is doing well with his "good beta" behaviors -- helps around the house, takes care of the kids, and generally provides the support the wife wants. These all-beta, little-alpha relationships tend to be the ones where the couples are good friends but there is no sexual spark."

I highly doubt there are any studies supporting this theory. A guy can be "beta around the house" and still be aggressive in the bedroom.

OP's problem is: 1) she need to take more responsibility for having orgasms with her husband, to include masterbating her self, seeking a sex therapist, etc.; 2) it sounds like they are going through a really stressful time right now, and that will always impact a couple's sex life.

The husband gets friend-zoned when he's good beta but not dominant/aggressive in the bedroom or anywhere else. And, because sexual attraction starts outside of the bedroom (particularly for the ladies), I don't think the "alpha" attraction can be turned on and off like a light switch at the bedroom door. If the husband is passive or subservient outside of the bedroom; pushing her up against the wall, pulling her hair, and taking her isn't going to feel believable when they get around to sex.

[Anonymous]

Sex surrogate. This is a man who comes to your bed and pleasures you in front of him.

[Anonymous]

Fantasize OP, use your imagination. Can you do that? Flirt innocently with men you do find attractive, take that energy home and pretend(in your head) that you're f*cking them when you're with your husband, I bet you will find him less repulsive then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marrying these guys was awfully selfish. If they hadn't married you ladies, they could have built a life with a woman who loved having sex with them.

But, water under the bridge. You might give Athol Kay and "Married Man Sex Life" a look. Generally he advocates that wives will be more likely to respond if guys improve themselves in "alpha" ways such as losing weight, building muscle, making more money, and taking charge in the household.

This is particularly true in relationships where the guy is doing well with his "good beta" behaviors -- helps around the house, takes care of the kids, and generally provides the support the wife wants. These all-beta, little-alpha relationships tend to be the ones where the couples are good friends but there is no sexual spark.

Good luck.

Also, see, e.g.: http://marriedmansexlife.com/take-the-red-pill/alpha-and-beta-male-traits/

I agree with the "alpha" thing. Comparative to a couple of my former boyfriends, my now husband and I did not have that intense amazing physical attraction, but sex was good until the kid. Now, I am basically in the same boat as the OP. But I have to say things would do a major turnaround if my husband spent any time at all losing weight and getting into shape. I have stayed in fantastic shape. He doesn't seem to care that he is flabby and doesn't make the slightest effort to lose 20 pounds and build some muscle. It's not that hard. He simply doesn't seem to care.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself for marrying someone with whom you had no "spark." My DH and I had a fantastic spark and fantastic sex, but a decade and a boatload of problems later, we're in the same situation you are. Sparks fade, chemistry fizzles. I am starting to wonder if our "new" sex life can be satisfying in a different way. Less hot, but more intimate and intense. Maybe that should be the goal?

[Anonymous]

If both of you agree that a sexual problem does in face exist, I suggest you both see someone who specializes in this area.

Trying to work it out on your own will only breed more disaster.

Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marrying these guys was awfully selfish. If they hadn't married you ladies, they could have built a life with a woman who loved having sex with them.

But, water under the bridge. You might give Athol Kay and "Married Man Sex Life" a look. Generally he advocates that wives will be more likely to respond if guys improve themselves in "alpha" ways such as losing weight, building muscle, making more money, and taking charge in the household.

This is particularly true in relationships where the guy is doing well with his "good beta" behaviors -- helps around the house, takes care of the kids, and generally provides the support the wife wants. These all-beta, little-alpha relationships tend to be the ones where the couples are good friends but there is no sexual spark.

Good luck.

Also, see, e.g.: http://marriedmansexlife.com/take-the-red-pill/alpha-and-beta-male-traits/

I agree with the "alpha" thing. Comparative to a couple of my former boyfriends, my now husband and I did not have that intense amazing physical attraction, but sex was good until the kid. Now, I am basically in the same boat as the OP. But I have to say things would do a major turnaround if my husband spent any time at all losing weight and getting into shape. I have stayed in fantastic shape. He doesn't seem to care that he is flabby and doesn't make the slightest effort to lose 20 pounds and build some muscle. It's not that hard. He simply doesn't seem to care.

Agree agree agree agree on the physique thing. I have point blank told my husband this is a problem. He does nothing. I'm casting stones from a place of a high level of physical fitness myself. I've worked my ass of to get to a body that has no traces of ever having bore children. I'm the same weight as our wedding day. My husband cannot keep his hands off me. Frankly, his flab and lack of muscle tone make my stomach turn. Its fucked up when one spouse works hard and the other lets their body go to shit.