Reply to Is it possible to learn to enjoy sex with someone after years of bad sex?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a fascinating and eye opening thread. Lack of sexual chemistry has always been a deal breaker for me and I've had my share of relationships with men who were nice enough but no sexual spark. While I am not married, I always thought that ... while the initial spark was bound to fade ... it was nonetheless important to have that to start out with, that way you would have something to return to/remember even ... sort of a reference point or something that might come back from time to time.

So I see the women who say they never had sexual chemistry with their mates as very different from those who once had it but are turned off by weight gain or just the stress of day to day life. Personally I would think that the second situation might be easier to turn around, but who knows. In the long-term relationships I've had where the sex was good, even if it faded, a real warmth, desire to cuddle etc, remained, wheras if there never was good sex, the relationship turned bitter and resentful and even closeness became a challenge.[/quote]

Female in her mid 40s here. Married 17 years. Had a sexual spark at the beginning. What killed it for me is that my H has a lower drive than I do, so I initiate 99% of the time. I'm not sure how much I buy into the "alpha/beta" stuff, but men, take it from me: never initiating is desire killing beta behavior. We still do it once a week or so, but I've long since stopped relying on him to be my entire sexual outlet.  Once I gave up trying to get him to have sex as much as I needed it, our overall relationship improved; but everyone, male and female, in a long term relationship should be warned: if you chronically undersex your partner, they are going to be very vulnerable to attention and affairs from other live human beings. Going solo to get what you need is ultimately not satisfactory.[/quote]

19:05 here.

Yeah.  Before we got married, DH and I had great, raunchy, moderately kinky sex. After we got married, DH's switch flipped from "whore" to "madonna" and he stopped asking for anything.  He repeatedly has said that he doesn't feel like he can bother his wife for stuff like that.  IF he we don't have sex, he complains, but he won't initiate.  He also won't do any of the kinky stuff that I used to love.  He also blames the lack of sexual spark on me -- it's my fault that we're not having the sex we used to have, because I am a woman and women don't want that kind of sex.

Ugh. Thinking about this makes me want to cry.  What a mindfuck.

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