7 yr relationship, no ring yet - am I wasting my time?
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Anonymous
| Sorry, OP. It's hard to truly come to the realization of what you need to do, but it's pretty obvious from the outside that you need to end the relationship. He's not giving you what you need. I promise you won't regret leaving him. |
Anonymous
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Quit worrying about what other people do or think.
You said he is a nerd. You said he wants to wait until he makes more money. You said he wants to eventually marry you. You know exactly why he hasn't asked you. Why the rush? |
Anonymous
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I was in your situation, OP. Been dating my BF (now DH) for 6 years. We both had decent jobs-combined income of 80k in a city where cost of living was significantly lower. We had been living together for 5 years. We loved each other but in his mind, we wouldn't get married until we were ready to have kids. At the time, I was really interested in moving overseas for work and was getting to the point that unless we were married, I was going to do it. So that's pretty much what I told him. I left for a job in another state for three months and told him that when I got back I would be moving to Switzerland unless he gave me a reason to stay. Which he did-finally proposed the day I was leaving for my job out of state and now we've been happily married for 9 years.
Some guys just need a little push. Make it clear that you love him and want to be with him, but also that you are ready to move on with your life if he isn't ready to make the commitment. Do you live together? If so, tell him that you are moving out once the lease is up. If not, tell him you're done and that he knows where to find you if he figures out what he wants - meanwhile move on with your life. Hang out with friends, take on a new hobby, date, meet new people, and keep busy! |
Anonymous
| Give him an ultimatum. My DH needed one. He was a great guy, but was perfectly happy with status quo. I gave him an ultimatum of December 31, he proposed on the 17th (cutting it close!). |
Anonymous
| OP, don't be the women who dates a guy for a long time, he strings her along, they break up, and then he winds up marrying someone else within a year. |
Anonymous
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I beg you to please assert yourself and what you want now. If he puts practical objections in the way of what you want - ie, firm plans for marriage, buying a home together, making a budget together, setting firm goals together - and they are practical objections that he does not actually have a plan to work on, you have your answer.
I wasted 8 years of my 20's in two serial monogamy relationships, neither of which moved toward marriage despite the fact that we loved each other. In my later 20's, I deeply loved my boyfriend and best friend, and I know he loved me, too. He was four years older so I assumed he'd be ready to settle down, and he was certainly ready as far as commitment was concerned -- he was 100% devoted to me and was not interested in seeing other people or breaking up. Nor was he interested in getting engaged, though. I got a lot of "of course we'll get married someday, but we're not ready yet" or "I'm not ready yet", "we're so young" kind of stuff, but basically assurances that of course we would someday, we love each other! One night he finally told me the real truth -- he LOVED being my boyfriend. He wanted us to stay boyfriend and girlfriend, just the way we were, for as long as he could envision. He loved things just the way they were, and why not? He was loved, he was comfortable in his own apartment, with a devoted girlfriend around whenever he wanted her. I broke up with him and was devastated, as we were each other's best friends. But I wasted at least 2 of those 4 years with him, just treading water, with me wanting to move forward and him wanting to keep things the same. What devastated me even more was that just a year later he started dating someone else and just a year after that got engaged. We stayed friends, and one night he confessed that he realized a couple of years in that he really didn't see us ever being husband and wife, but he loved me and I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose me. I was furious that he wasted so much of my time, so much of my life. My 30's were pretty heartbreaking, with everyone around me getting married and having kids, but not me. I didn't get married until I was 40. I am incredibly lucky that I was able to have a child, but he will be an only, as we are too old for more. I would much rather have gotten married 10 years younger and had 2 or 3 or more kids if we could afford them. Please, please don't waste your time on a man who doesn't share your goals. You can love each other, but that doesn't mean you are going to be married. Love doesn't guarantee anything. You need to pin him down on shared goals. If he doesn't share yours, move on. Now. |
Anonymous
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Why is a ring that much of a difference to what you guys already have? Men and women think differently and this thread really brings this out. Women tend to take things personally when a man is madly in love with them, but puts breaks on 'legally joining assets and liabilities' (you women call it marriage but for men, we call a spade a spade). Let me explain. I can totally relate to where your BF is coming from and going (not that I am attempting to interpret his actions or speak for him). I had something similar to yours and decided to get married after I completed my MSc, was stable in my career, and was more financially secure, so I could have some freedom just in case a baby came along early. After she gave her ultimatum (as some here are encouraging you to do) I decided to get married at the tender age of 28 yo. No fault of mine, the marriage ended soon after, and this was my high school sweet heart who I was together with for 10+ years. While there is not necessarily any parallel between the reasons for its failure and your circumstance (because I would have still been married today had she not betrayed me), you have to ACCEPT that both of you might NOT be compatible, despite the 'on the surface' reasons you gave to suggest otherwise. The truth is men mature much later than women and the obligations and expectations of maintaining this relationship might be getting in the way of your BF pursuing his professional ambitions and coming into his own. Yes, you are at the stage where you are ready to make things official legally and settle forever, but your BF still has unresolved professional ambitions, and that is what makes you incompatible (despite the similar values, frequent sex, etc that you mention; which are just byproducts of human interaction anyway). At the core, both of you are steering down different routes. Yes he is in love and would do anything for you, but he has not come into his own person and you have to accept this, and help him to see this for himself, because he has conflicting emotions. I can also guess that privately he is stressing about all of this. By age 30 I was divorced and have since completed a PhD and am now very much clearer what I want and what makes me happy. I remember while married there were so many expectations around having a child, buying a home, etc, which really conflicted with my inner guts. The truth is, men reach this level of maturity and stability in their mid 30s to 40s, unlike women who do in their mid 20s, not to mention the race towards childbirth and the proverbial biological clock. The fact that you guys have been together for so long as well didn't give him much room to find himself either. So my advice, if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, just lay off and give him space. Call time on the relationship if you must, or reassure him that you do not want him to get married and then feel unfulfilled and then the both of you become roommates of FWBs in your young marriage. He seems to be at a very critical stage of his development and so I think you should understand and give him space to grow, WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS on either side. Meaning, you both may or may not continue. And for God's sake stop seeing it as wasting time! You have a good man it seems. The time you are spending or spent together gave you much emotional, physical/sexual, and possibly professional benefits as well. LTRs are never time wasters, they are learning curves and help us navigate different seasons in our lives. I sound like a father and I'm just 33 yo  ...been through a lot and took a lot of ME time to understand life, so it follows.
All the best OP! |
Anonymous
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I don't trust this guy.
He wants to finish his MBA and make six figures before marrying you? Don't be surprised if you are kicked to the curb after he finishes his degree and income goes way up, especially when he starts getting attention from future women of DCUM who are attracted to his apparent future income potential. |
Anonymous
7 years isn't exactly a rush. OP, I hope that you have career goals of your own and it's not just waiting for marriage. If this guy is as nerdy as you describe he may have trouble moving on/intimacy. My BF and I lived together for a while; we did couples counseling. In his case it was more a reluctance b/c of issues of divorce/poor marriages in his family. Basically, the person who wants less in a relationship "wins" in a sense b/c your BF is satisfied with the status quo. If this is someone you truly love and not just someone who represents the hope of marriage b/c you've invested so much time in him, then have a frank conversation. Plenty of people marry when they are in grad school or haven't made it "big." He needs to know that you are willing to wait around indefinitely--a deadline might be in order. He will either step or not. Then you know what you need to do. Define your career goals, personal interests, friendships now whether or not you marry him or anyone else. Don't loose yourself in a relationship. |
Anonymous
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It's actually pretty common for some people to want to have reached a goal in their lives before marrying. I think a lot of you are forgetting that marriage is not the start of a life for many younger people, but the capstone to adulthood. It's something you do when you're financially stable, have the career you want, meet the person you want.
OP, just talk to him about your goals and desires. If you're not on the same page, move on. But if there is still common ground, and reasonable goals that you can reach together, then don't give up. I have friends who had been together for 10 years finally get married when the guy finally decided he was "ready". Talk to him - maybe he's more ready than he thinks. But don't threaten. |
Anonymous
This all depends on whether the OP wants to have kids eventually. As one PP wrote, she "wasted" 8 years of her life in two LRTs and ended up only having one child, when she wanted 2-3, because she married at 40. For a woman there is the unfortunately reality of the biological clock - if she's interested in having kids. Men don't have quite so much pressure. When I met my DH I was 32 and he was 41 and we went on to have two kids. If the ages had been reversed and I'd been 41 it would have been unlikely we'd have had two children without IVF and a lot of luck. DH was ready to settle down already in his mid-30s but unfortunately he'd had a lot of bad luck in relationships. I dated and had fun up until I was around 28-30 when I realized that I really wanted to settle down and have kids. Then I started to give myself a rule - I'd date a guy for 3 months but if the relationship was clearly going nowhere I'd end things. I was in that mode when I met DH but from the moment I met him I knew that he was different. Partly because we were just really compatible but also because he was very committed right from the beginning. |
Anonymous
Quoting for emphasis...this is your future with this guy OP. |
Anonymous
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OP One day I woke up (after hearing about a friends long term break up) and realized that I had been dating (and very much in love with) an older guy for 7 years! I was 25 at the time. I broke up with him. He married another woman that he had been thinking about within a year and within 2 they had a baby together -- despite all the talk of never having another child b/c he already had kids from his first marriage.
I wish him well and I do not care b/c within months after leaving him I met my DH. We have been married 15 years. |
Anonymous
This was going to be my comment. This happens so, so often. BTDT. |
Anonymous
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While it is sometimes okay to wait on marriage, it sounds like you are feeling that the relationship is foundering. When you start to feel anxious that you're losing your shared connection, the fact that he's waiting to propose is more significant. I agree that you need to have a heart to heart about how you're feeling and lay it all out there. A man who loves you and plans to marry you will address your concerns.
Put me down as another woman who lost 6 years waiting on someone. I met my now-husband at 36 and we were married less than two years later. He made it clear from the beginning that he was looking for a long term relationship and marriage. Good lcuk |