7 yr relationship, no ring yet - am I wasting my time?
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Anonymous
+1 I know my relationship is not normal, but after the first few dates my BF wanted me to move in with him. I told him I would only live with him if we got married. There was no ultimatum, I just plainly stated what I wanted. Within a year of that discussion, we were married and have been for almost a decade. It is very disrespectful for him to flirt with others. He does not want to marry you. I bet he enjoys the regular sex. One he finds someone else, he will sleep with them, whether you are married or not. My DH does not flirt with other women in my presence. Nor do I think he does when I am not around. He knows IF I suspected him of cheating I would divorce himbecause once the trust is gone, it is gone. Cut him loose and find someone who REALLY wants what you do. |
Anonymous
+1 Very true. We discussed marriage after about 4 dates. Im the poster that has been married a decade. |
Anonymous
I don't think giving a guy one year to propose is a great idea, unless you mean a guy that you've already been dating for a while. |
Anonymous
This for me too. Had a 4 year relationship with college bf (started right at the end). Broke up. He met and got engaged a year after he met the new girl. I met my husband 3 years later and married him less than two years after first date. Caveat is that once you're past 28/30 and you want to get married in general you know in less than a year and get engaged. I have several examples of friends dating all of college and 4+ years after (7 total) and breaking up only to marry within 2 years of meeting a subsequent person (not always the first person they date after the LTR). If the guy wants to marry you he would have said so and done something about it by now. It's a harsh realization but it's true for so many men. This is not saying that marriage is the only kind of commitment. I have friends who have been together for 10 years and not married. But they're committed, own property together and dont flirt with other people. |
Anonymous
I agree w the first two posters, you know right away if that person is for you. Talking seriously about marriage is a good sign. Some might hsve valid reasons for waiting, but this is not OP's case. |
Anonymous
Well he had to give you a little bit of suspense! |
Anonymous
| Just ask him to marry you if you want to. Enough of this acting like some helpless waif who just has to sit around and wait. Equality doesn't stop at the door of relationships. Don't fall back on tradition and traditional gender roles just because it helps you justify your passive role in a relationship. Women can make decisions too and take an active role. |
Anonymous
+2 I dated my husband for 8 years before we got engaged and I completely agree with this post. You need to have a long talk with him and get on the same page. |
Anonymous
| OP You have gotten a lot of good advice here. What bothers me about your relationship is that his reasoning sounds more like a wish than a plan. And it is all about him and not about you, although he puts it that he's doing it "for you" So he wants you to share in his wish for a better future. But who has 7 years to spend waiting on someone's wish? I too "wish" I would make 6 figures in the next few years. It is a common wish. Both of you seem stuck to me -- he wants to branch out more and see other women, and you want to settle down. I think you have made yourself much too available to him -- he feels that you are there no matter what he does. |
Anonymous
Huh? That's news to me. How someone behaves at the beginning of a relationship, and how they behave 18 months in are entirely different things. |
Anonymous
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OP, there's nothing that's not already here that I can't agree with.
I've been with whom I consider DH For 11 years. I'm now pushing 40. I've watched the best years of my life, fertility, and youth go by. And every month I see my period come, and it aches in my womb, and on my left ring finger., there's nothing I see that will change. Do I love him? Yes, and I can't complain because it's what I chose consciously. And now, I wish I knew sooner thAt sooner or later, it's too late to fix. Decide what you want. And go with it. There is still lots of time. Don't think he's the only one, ever. Because regardless, he's not asking. And if you go seek someone who might.. Well.. You' still may ahead of the game. I firmly believe now that a man who is head over heels will ask, and soon, or sooner. Women who wait are chumps. Even if I am one. In my life, I feel like I settled. But I guess he did too. I'm not good enough to marry. He's not bad enough to leave. And so we settle. |
MarriedManHunting
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YEP, you gotta be strong and move on. Don't make the mistake of giving him an ultimatum or other means of pressuring him into marriage. It will be a huge mistake in the end. He's already shown thru actions where his mind is and convincing him otherwise will only work short term. 7 yrs says it all , Period. I lived together for 5. That was a red flag for me but I ignored it because of all the time I had invested. That, and she had the best lookin ass and tits I've ever seen. Still have the best ass and tits for her age. In hindsight, I wished I didn't ignore the red flags. It's been a ball and chain that I couldn't leave because of having kids. |
Anonymous
I'm as feminist as they come, but I think this is a bad idea. Men like to be the pursuers. |
Anonymous
Since when do women care about what men like? Only when it benefits them and gets them an expensive ring and gets them off the hook for having to be the one to make the big decision to propose. Falling back on traditional gender roles when it benefits you and crusading against them when it doesn't is shallow and hypocritical. |
Anonymous
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Yes move on.
I had friends that got engaged after 10 years Now 2 years into marriage he doesn't want kids and she does. She should have left. |