Reply to 7 yr relationship, no ring yet

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Reply to "7 yr relationship, no ring yet - am I wasting my time?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I beg you to please assert yourself and what you want now.  If he puts practical objections in the way of what you want - ie, firm plans for marriage, buying a home together, making a budget together, setting firm goals together - and they are practical objections that he does not actually have a plan to work on, you have your answer.

I wasted 8 years of my 20's in two serial monogamy relationships, neither of which moved toward marriage despite the fact that we loved each other.  In my later 20's, I deeply loved my boyfriend and best friend, and I know he loved me, too.  He was four years older so I assumed he'd be ready to settle down, and he was certainly ready as far as commitment was concerned -- he was 100% devoted to me and was not interested in seeing other people or breaking up.  Nor was he interested in getting engaged, though.

I got a lot of "of course we'll get married someday, but we're not ready yet" or "I'm not ready yet", "we're so young" kind of stuff, but basically assurances that of course we would someday, we love each other!  One night he finally told me the real truth -- he LOVED being  my boyfriend.  He wanted us to stay boyfriend and girlfriend, just the way we were, for as long as he could envision.  He loved things just the way they were, and why not?  He was loved, he was comfortable in his own apartment, with a devoted girlfriend around whenever he wanted her.

I broke up with him and was devastated, as we were each other's best friends.  But I wasted at least 2 of those 4 years with him, just treading water, with me wanting to move forward and him wanting to keep things the same.  What devastated me even more was that just a year later he started dating someone else and just a year after that got engaged.  We stayed friends, and one night he confessed that he realized a couple of years in that he really didn't see us ever being husband and wife, but he loved me and I was his best friend and he didn't want to lose me.  I was furious that he wasted so much of my time, so much of my life.

My 30's were pretty heartbreaking, with everyone around me getting married and having kids, but not me.  I didn't  get married until I was 40.  I am incredibly lucky that I was able to have a child, but he will be an only, as we are too old for more.  I would much rather have gotten married 10 years younger and had 2 or 3 or more kids if we could afford them.

Please, please don't waste your time on a man who doesn't share your goals.  You can love each other, but that doesn't mean you are going to be married.  Love doesn't guarantee anything.   You need to pin him down on shared goals.  If he doesn't share yours, move on.  Now.[/quote]

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