7 yr relationship, no ring yet - am I wasting my time?

[Anonymous]

I'll keep this short because nobody wants to read an essay detailing the ins and outs of a 7 year relationships.

Cliffnotes:
- BF and I have been dating for 7 years, ever since senior year of college. I love him, he genuinely loves me. He was only the second man I have ever slept with, plan for him to be my last.
- We are compatible in many ways: same values, personalities mesh well, sexually and emotionally compatible, both from Bethesda and both want to settle here and be close to family.
- BF has talked in the past about how I've brought light into his life and he wants to marry me and I motivate him, etc. But he says he only wants to get engaged when he is more financially stable. He has a good job right now (~$40k a year) but we both come from high-SES families and he wants to go back to school and get an MBA and earn six figures. He is a scientist and doesn't feel he can make much progress professionally. I want to get married now - he keeps saying he wants to wait until he can provide for us better. I have a job but BF is old-fashioned and wants to be the primary provider.
- He does flirt with other women and admires other women but I know I can trust him not to go further and to be honest it's flattering that other women like him. However lately he has been more dissatisfied with our relationship and we get into arguments more often. He has nerdy interests in science (he works in a chemistry-related field) and loves discussing them with other nerdy science-y friends. Basically, BF and his friends are the boys from the Big Bang Theory, and I'm Penny. That is literally how it is. And while he loves me, he shows it more often now that he is a little impatient with my ignorance and lack of interest in the subjects that he likes.

Sometimes I wonder if he has become more dedicated to his intellectual interests as time goes on and if we are drifting apart. We still have sex regularly and are loving, but there is more distance between us. And my friends wonder why we've been together 7 years and I haven't even gotten an engagement ring yet. They also say that plenty of couples, if they're really in love, get married even before they are financially "settled". I'm starting to get worried that I'm not getting a more firm promise of commitment after all these years. Is it normal?

[Anonymous]

Dump him. I married my husband while I was an exec asst and he was in cooking school. Move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

You listed all his interests, fixations, and goals. I am sure you have your own, besides wanting to getting married, but you have not mentioned them at all.
What you want matters as much as what he wants. Make it clear to him.
If he is the boy from BBT, he is probably socially inept. If this is true, you need to tell him exactly how you feel and what you what him to do.

[Anonymous]

I do have interests beyond marriage - we both live full, complete lives as individuals, I don't have to be attached to his hip. However, my interests aren't relevant to this post, so I didn't see any need to mention them.

[Anonymous]

I, too, think you should move on. I'm sorry. Someone out there will appreciate you more than your boyfriend of seven years does, and, for me, this has less to do with not being engaged and more about how he seems dissatisfied with the relationship and flirty with other women.

[Anonymous]

Don't waste any more of your time on this guy. He is comfortable with the relationship as it is. He does not respect your mind enough to marry you. Find someone who you can't wait to marry and he can't wait to marry you.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were together for 8 years before we got married, 7 before we got engaged-also got together in colleges. But in our case, we both felt to young to get married, but both knew we were headed on that path. It's not completely uncommon to be together for a long time if you get together when you are young.

That said, it sounds like he has very little respect for you-and that's not a good road to go down. If he's frustrated by your differences now, and putting off an attitude where he he thinks you are dumb-that is not going to get better with marriage.

[Anonymous]

The way you describe things, it sounds like the relationship is winding down. Your interests have diverged as you've gotten older. It's nobody's fault; it just happens. I will say, though, that stalling until he has a "stable income" is the oldest line in the book. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

So has he even applied for an MBA program? My guess is that he hasn't. As others have said, it's time to move on. You've grown apart. The increase in arguments is a big tip-off.

Break it off. No contact for at least 8 weeks. Pull the band-aid off and move on. Your whole life is ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

An MBA program is two years generally, so you are looking t a *minimum* 9 years until he ask you would be engaged, assuming your geeky boyfriend can do the networking magic that is required in MBA (I'm a scientist, I don't think I could).

[Anonymous]

Seven years with no ring and no promise speaks for itself. His answers sound like excuses to me. Move on while you are still young. Who has seven years to give to a relationship with no commitment?

[Anonymous]

Seven years out of college and makes $40K? And thinks 6 figures is just around the corner?

[Anonymous]

My sister met her now husband in high school and they married when they were 28. During that time, they both grew up a lot but, luckily, they grew together.

Anyway, it sounds strange to me that he wants to earn six figures before he gets married. Unless he's planning some huge wedding extravaganza you don't need a lot of money to get married. Very weird.

If I were you, I'd move on. Not so much because 7 years is too long to be together before getting married per se but because of his lack of respect for you and lack of patience that you don't like the subjects he likes. That sounds really disrespectful and egocentric. Does he take a big interest in the subjects you like? Does he enjoy hanging out with a bunch of your girlfriends and discussing the topics which interest them and you? You don't have to have exactly the same interests to love eachother. My DH is a music nerd and I'll never share his level of music nerdness. He also loves sports and I don't care about sports. But he has his best guy friend to talk to about these subjects. I love to get together with my mom friends and talk about stuff but DH only has limited patience for hanging out with my girlfriends and talking about the stuff we like to talk about. We share interests in lots of other things (travel, food, art etc.) so it's all good. But most of all, we respect eachother and eachother's interest or lack of interest in various subjects. My family members are mostly scientists and I can't imagine them talking about their scientific work with anyone outside their fields and expecting them to understand/take a big interest.

To me it sounds like he is picking fights with you and nitpicking about ways in which you're not perfect. Sounds like he may have decided to move on but he is too chicken to just end things.

[Anonymous]

Surely you must have heard of the expression, "why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?" He clearly doesn't feel that the needs to make an investment in your relationship. Leave.

[Anonymous]

Move on. Things won't improve. Try to expand your circle beyond Bethesda.