7 yr relationship, no ring yet - am I wasting my time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seven years out of college and makes $40K? And thinks 6 figures is just around the corner?

I was thinking the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have interests beyond marriage - we both live full, complete lives as individuals, I don't have to be attached to his hip. However, my interests aren't relevant to this post, so I didn't see any need to mention them.

Actually, they are. What do you plan to do with your life together?

We got engaged at the 7 year mark, and we had shared goals and discussions already. Several years in we both agreed upon educational goals, and one of us completed a graduate degree. We waited because we wanted to be financially stable and able to move towards those shared goals in ways that marriage gave more protection. For instance, we got married at the 9 year mark, and had a house, another degree, and we're contemplating pregnancy within a year.

What scares me about your post is your lack of shared goals. We had agreed where to live, outlined what we saw as our priorities and saved together, and considered ourselves a family long before marriage and engagement. I don't get that sense from your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do have interests beyond marriage - we both live full, complete lives as individuals, I don't have to be attached to his hip. However, my interests aren't relevant to this post, so I didn't see any need to mention them.

Actually, they are. What do you plan to do with your life together?

We got engaged at the 7 year mark, and we had shared goals and discussions already. Several years in we both agreed upon educational goals, and one of us completed a graduate degree. We waited because we wanted to be financially stable and able to move towards those shared goals in ways that marriage gave more protection. For instance, we got married at the 9 year mark, and had a house, another degree, and were contemplating pregnancy within a year.

What scares me about your post is your lack of shared goals. We had agreed where to live, outlined what we saw as our priorities and saved together, and considered ourselves a family long before marriage and engagement. I don't get that sense from your post.

Correcting typo and adding one thing - when our engagement happened , it was not a surprise. We had already discussed marriage and when to move towards it, and even though the proposal itself was a surprise and romantic, it was not the first time we had discussed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you describe things, it sounds like the relationship is winding down. Your interests have diverged as you've gotten older. It's nobody's fault; it just happens. I will say, though, that stalling until he has a "stable income" is the oldest line in the book. Good luck.

+1 I wish someone had dumped me we a cold splash of reality on me when I was 6 years into a 10 year go nowhere relationship with my college bf. We mutually ended it and on pretty good term as we saw we had just grown apart, but I still look back at those last 4-5 years and wish I had a pushy grandmother who would have hounded me (and him) to move on.

OP, if you are hoping for a family, I think you should end it now or you will be 34 and single surrounded by married friends holding their beautiful newborns with another at their knee. Sorry to be a downer, this was actually my life.

[Anonymous]

Move on. When you are old enough to marry, you should give a guy 1yr to propose. You either know or you don't.

[Anonymous]

In answer to your initial question:

Yes.

[Anonymous]

I agree- move on now. That said, my sister dated her husband for 9 years before they got engaged. They met in college and completed PhDs together before getting married. He also wanted to be able to support a family before getting married. We all told her to move on, but she stuck it out and they are pretty happily married now with two kids. I still think he is kind of selfish and a workaholic who puts his desires ahead of her happiness and the family's long-term well-being, but they do love each other and get along well. So it can happen but marriage is not going to change his fundamental character.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Stop wasting time. He's not that into you.

[Anonymous]

I was so anxious to get married and have kids, and my boyfriend was the reticent one. I waited it out for seven years and trusted that he meant it when he said he loved me and wanted to be ready to get married. He finally proposed after 7 years. We've been married for 3 years now and have a toddler. I realize he's reticent about ALL decision-making. From where to eat for dinner to when to buy a house, the dude has a major case of paralysis by analysis. Please keep in mind that whatever is keeping your boyfriend from making a decision on marriage is not going to change after the wedding day. I love my husband dearly and we have a nice life together. He is the kindest person I know. But that does not stop me from wondering what it would be like to have a life partner who is excited to make plans and decisions with me. OP, if that is something you can live with then accept you'll always be waiting on him and just keep on keeping on. If not, then move on and find someone whose timeline aligns with yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were together for 8 years before we got married, 7 before we got engaged-also got together in colleges. But in our case, we both felt to young to get married, but both knew we were headed on that path. It's not completely uncommon to be together for a long time if you get together when you are young.

That said, it sounds like he has very little respect for you-and that's not a good road to go down. If he's frustrated by your differences now, and putting off an attitude where he he thinks you are dumb-that is not going to get better with marriage.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He was only the second man I have ever slept with, plan for him to be my last.

Bad decision.

[Anonymous]

Adding my voice to the chorus that the relationship seems to be winding down. I do think, as a PP suggested, you lay it out to your BF about what you are looking for and when on the off chance that poor emotional intelligence is an issue. But, I think you should move on. Sorry and hugs.

[Anonymous]

Move on. You met when you were kids. You're adults now. Money's important but it's not a prerequisite for a happy marriage. I hope you find what you need.

[Anonymous]

OP, imagine you've only been dating your boyfriend for, say, 6 months. Now imagine that, at the 6-month mark, he's saying and doing the things you claim he's doing now. In this hypothetical scenario, would you be less hesitant about ending the relationship? It would probably be a much easier decision, wouldn't it?

Here's the thing. It's human nature to resist calling it a day on someone in whom you've invested a great deal. When things start to go wrong, you keep thinking that if you just invest a little more, you can turn the situation around. You keep investing more and more, and you keep saying, well, I've taken it this far . . .

Sometimes it makes sense to stay, but this doesn't sound like one of those situations. It's very sad and very hard to let go, but that's what you need to do with someone who doesn't respect you. Say goodbye. Find someone who genuinely loves and cares about you because he respects you for who you are.

[Anonymous]

What will the ring change? Nothing.

You are in a relationship and are committed to one another. If you feel he has changed somewhat, I wouldn't be rushing to get a ring. Because it is a hell of a lot easier to get out of your situation now vs. being married.

Be careful what you wish for.