7 yr relationship, no ring yet - am I wasting my time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's nothing that's not already here that I can't agree with.

I've been with whom I consider DH For 11 years. I'm now pushing 40. I've watched the best years of my life, fertility, and youth go by. And every month I see my period come, and it aches in my womb, and on my left ring finger., there's nothing I see that will change.

Do I love him? Yes, and I can't complain because it's what I chose consciously. And now, I wish I knew sooner thAt sooner or later, it's too late to fix.

Decide what you want. And go with it. There is still lots of time. Don't think he's the only one, ever. Because regardless, he's not asking. And if you go seek someone who might.. Well.. You' still may ahead of the game. I firmly believe now that a man who is head over heels will ask, and soon, or sooner. Women who wait are chumps. Even if I am one.

In my life, I feel like I settled. But I guess he did too. I'm not good enough to marry. He's not bad enough to leave. And so we settle.

I'm the PP who married at 40 after wasting 8 years in failed relationships and even more years getting over a terrible one. I have felt the heartbreak and ache you feel every month. I gave up on the dream and thought it was over for me at 38.

But 4 hours ago my baby was in my arms.

Please don't give up on your life dreams. It's not too late.

[Anonymous]

I've only read the first page of responses so far.

I was in a similar boat with my now husband. The first year was great, and he used to tell his friends that he was going to marry me. Due to circumstances like me being in grad school, and his job, we were about an hour and a half away for most of the time we were dating (besides summers). We saw each other nearly every weekend, but I still would bug him about when we would live together and when we would get married. Usually the answer was when I finished grad school. Then when I finished, he still wasn't ready. I gave it a few months after graduation and then accepted a job in the city where I went to school. During this time, I was very unhappy and very seriously considering breaking up. I had considered it for a few years but this was almost the breaking point. However, I contined to do the long distance relationship and one year later, we were engaged. It took 5 1/2 years to get engaged and we were married 9 months later. We now have one beautiful child and another on the way. We are really pretty happily married. I don't know your particular situation, but I do think that guys have some inner readiness clock, and they cannot be made ready before that.

However.... The one thing that may be a red flag is that you dated in college. Your boyfriend has never had an opportunity to sow his wild oats, or experience freedom in his 20's. That could be part of the problem. My husband and I started dating when I was 27 and he was 32. We both had multiple relationships first.

Also, are you sure that he is the one for you, and this is the type of relationship you want. It is not clear from the way that you describe your relationship. Don't hold on only because of the 7 year investment.

Good luck! It will all work out.

[Anonymous]

I think that after seven years of dating, if he still hasn't put a ring on it, then he still may not be one-hundred percent sure if he wants to marry you or even if he wants to marry at all.

So you need to ask yourself some very important questions right now. Are you okay w/this? Meaning: ------> Are you okay staying in a relationship w/someone that may not lead to something completely permanent in the end? I know you love him very much, but is love enough to sustain you to stay w/him if you are not confident he feels the exact same way that you do?

This is something that you need to figure out on your own. And it is not an overnight decision because after all, this is YOUR life.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there's nothing that's not already here that I can't agree with.

I've been with whom I consider DH For 11 years. I'm now pushing 40. I've watched the best years of my life, fertility, and youth go by. And every month I see my period come, and it aches in my womb, and on my left ring finger., there's nothing I see that will change.

Do I love him? Yes, and I can't complain because it's what I chose consciously. And now, I wish I knew sooner thAt sooner or later, it's too late to fix.

Decide what you want. And go with it. There is still lots of time. Don't think he's the only one, ever. Because regardless, he's not asking. And if you go seek someone who might.. Well.. You' still may ahead of the game. I firmly believe now that a man who is head over heels will ask, and soon, or sooner. Women who wait are chumps. Even if I am one.

In my life, I feel like I settled. But I guess he did too. I'm not good enough to marry. He's not bad enough to leave. And so we settle.

I'm the PP who married at 40 after wasting 8 years in failed relationships and even more years getting over a terrible one. I have felt the heartbreak and ache you feel every month. I gave up on the dream and thought it was over for me at 38.

But 4 hours ago my baby was in my arms.

Please don't give up on your life dreams. It's not too late.

Congratulations!!!! And thank you for this. I'm PP that posted what you quoted. You just gave me an ear to ear smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only read the first page of responses so far.

I was in a similar boat with my now husband. The first year was great, and he used to tell his friends that he was going to marry me. Due to circumstances like me being in grad school, and his job, we were about an hour and a half away for most of the time we were dating (besides summers). We saw each other nearly every weekend, but I still would bug him about when we would live together and when we would get married. Usually the answer was when I finished grad school. Then when I finished, he still wasn't ready. I gave it a few months after graduation and then accepted a job in the city where I went to school. During this time, I was very unhappy and very seriously considering breaking up. I had considered it for a few years but this was almost the breaking point. However, I contined to do the long distance relationship and one year later, we were engaged. It took 5 1/2 years to get engaged and we were married 9 months later. We now have one beautiful child and another on the way. We are really pretty happily married. I don't know your particular situation, but I do think that guys have some inner readiness clock, and they cannot be made ready before that.

However.... The one thing that may be a red flag is that you dated in college. Your boyfriend has never had an opportunity to sow his wild oats, or experience freedom in his 20's. That could be part of the problem. My husband and I started dating when I was 27 and he was 32. We both had multiple relationships first.

Also, are you sure that he is the one for you, and this is the type of relationship you want. It is not clear from the way that you describe your relationship. Don't hold on only because of the 7 year investment.

Good luck! It will all work out.

Wow. I am a man and I think this is totally spot-on. I think men are internally wired to avoid marriage until we hit a sense that we have reached cruising speed in our lives. I think this is probably evolved from a need to feel a sense of resource security to ensure that any kids have a good chance of survival.

[Anonymous]

OP, you could split up with him amicably. Take a break. Live apart. Both of you date others. If you're meant to be together, you will get back together and you will both be ready to move to the next step. If not, better to move on now. If you try and force his hand, he will resent you on some level and there is a higher chance he'll cheat on you because he'll still be wondering what he missed.

Of course, most of the time when you do this, the guy marries the very next woman he gets involved with. Be prepared for that outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here, not sure if this has been raised.

It took me 6 years to propose. My wife did give me an ultimatum, so to speak. She said she wanted to get married and have kids. We were 31. I was in no rush but she said she wanted to have kids and be married and if I wasn't going to do that she needed to move on. If it were up to me, I would have waited, I had neither marriage or kids on my timetable. Anyway, I had a choice, and I chose to propose. 10 years and 2 kids later, we are going strong.

You need to figure this out soon. I am sure some trolls have stated this in cruel terms, but the truth is I know lots of single never married women in their mid-30s who lament missing out on marriage and kids. They are awesome, attractive, great catches, but there really aren't a lot of single, never married men left in their 30s. The common denominator for these awesome women is they spent way to long in a dead end relationship in their 20s when the dating market was loaded with eligible men.

+1. What he said.

[Anonymous]

I know lots of single never married women in their mid-30s who lament missing out on marriage and kids. They are awesome, attractive, great catches, but there really aren't a lot of single, never married men left in their 30s. The common denominator for these awesome women is they spent way to long in a dead end relationship in their 20s when the dating market was loaded with eligible men.

False. The common denominator is that those women were rolling the dice and holding out for money/power/fame/job/education standards and they went bust. Plus, if they were truly great catches, someone would have proposed to them by now.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:marriage benefits men much more than it benefits women.

I laffed. I look forward to you explaining this. Details, please.