Potential new nanny, great refs...husband has multiple arrests. Advice please!

[Anonymous]

If this man wants to find where she works, he will.
Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are willing to give her an offer otherwise, then I would suggest a direct conversation. It is heartbreaking to think she could be turned away for being a victim.

I am a nanny and a sexual abuse survivor. I have never shared my past with an employer. I am aware that many many child abusers were themselves abused as children. However, I volunteer for many organizations that work on sex abuse issues and have even testified on legislation to protect women and children. I know child safety guidelines inside and out, my charge will never be hurt on my watch. Going through trauma has made me better caregiver. I don't think you can assume she would put your children in harms way.

you are not getting the issue here. the problem is not the nanny, is the violent husband. while she would not hurt the kids, a husband with multiple arrests for domestic violence may try to hurt her where she works, while she is with the kids. she is a victim, and certainly is sad that she can loose on a job offer because of her husband behavior. but if I was the OP, I would never hire her. unfortunately OP's responsibility is making sure her kids are safe and are not exposed to the risk of becoming collateral victims of domestic violence in somebody else's home. a husband who has not one, but multiple arrests for domestic violence is a non starter. a domestic abuse situation may be very dangerous, especially when the victim tries to leave. while as a woman I would try to help the nanny as much as I can, I would never put my kids in a situation that is potentially so risky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are willing to give her an offer otherwise, then I would suggest a direct conversation. It is heartbreaking to think she could be turned away for being a victim.

I am a nanny and a sexual abuse survivor. I have never shared my past with an employer. I am aware that many many child abusers were themselves abused as children. However, I volunteer for many organizations that work on sex abuse issues and have even testified on legislation to protect women and children. I know child safety guidelines inside and out, my charge will never be hurt on my watch. Going through trauma has made me better caregiver. I don't think you can assume she would put your children in harms way.

you are not getting the issue here. the problem is not the nanny, is the violent husband. while she would not hurt the kids, a husband with multiple arrests for domestic violence may try to hurt her where she works, while she is with the kids. she is a victim, and certainly is sad that she can loose on a job offer because of her husband behavior. but if I was the OP, I would never hire her. unfortunately OP's responsibility is making sure her kids are safe and are not exposed to the risk of becoming collateral victims of domestic violence in somebody else's home. a husband who has not one, but multiple arrests for domestic violence is a non starter. a domestic abuse situation may be very dangerous, especially when the victim tries to leave. while as a woman I would try to help the nanny as much as I can, I would never put my kids in a situation that is potentially so risky.

I forgot to add: a friend of mine had years ago a cleaning lady who had a physically abusive husband, abusive toward her and their teen age boy. my friend tried to help her by talking to her, supporting her emotionally, suggesting places where she could find support and shelter (my friend was married and did not have kids). the husband of the cleaning lady started calling her telling her to stop "turning the wife against him" (the wife had ended up at the hospital several times after "falling off the stairs" and stuff like that). eventually the cleaning lady left and moved out of state with the son (who was a young adult), and the husband started showing up and threatening my friend because he thought she knew where his wife was hiding (she did not) and wanted her to tell him. he eventually found the wife, who came back with him because, as she told my friend, he would have killed her and their son if she did not. one arrest for domestic violence does not look good but could be explained, but multiple arrests are a huge red flag, not much to explain. putting little kids in this situation would really be too risky, I would never do it as a parent. I am happy to help others but not when my kids' life and well being is on the line

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll, if not I feel sorry for op's kids. They are screwed in the gene pool #nobrains

[Anonymous]

It's clear to me that few people on this thread have experienced domestic violence. A lot of the responses are more like what you see on the Lifetime channel then what actually happens in the bowels of an abusive relationship. Few DV offenders fit the stalking, psychotic profile being thrown around here. Many many women are dealing with DV while holding down high pressure, high status careers. Whether they work in a board room or a lunch room, women manage DV every day without dropping the ball (unfortunately). I think your true concern is whether you want to be morally responsible for her situation. You may not be able to bear witness without doing something. I can understand. When I was in an abusive relationship I lost friends who just could not stand to know someone was hurting me and that they could not help. I still went to work on time every day. No one knew what happened to me at home. Had they run one of those free public searches on my boyfriend then they would have been appalled .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be a terrible thing to punish her for actions that aren't her own, especially if she herself is a victim. I think it would be appropriate to ask her about his arrest record. If you want to hire her, I would let her know that you are aware of his record and that he is under no circumstances to come anywhere near her or your children while she is at work, that you will use a nanny cam, and that if you at any point feel that your children are in danger or that you can't trust her that it will be cause for immediate dismissal.

Her actions were dating him, marrying him, and staying with an abuser and law breaker. She is not fault free.

[Anonymous]

It is totally unfair that she would lose an opportunity like this due to being a victim. However, your primary responsibility is to your childrens' safety. I would not take a chance that your children might get caught in the crossfire between her and her husband.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I talked to her. She explains it as two incidents about 6 months apart, drunken shouting and "being obnoxious", and that she called police because she did not want him to drive. She also told me he's sober now, and that what occurred happened when he was drinking heavily. She believes it's in the past. I asked how frequently this had occurred, and she said only the two occasions, but that "he's fine now" and it's no longer an issue.

This makes me wonder what would have happened if my mom had ever called the local sheriff back in the day when my dad was surely driving drunk on a regular basis. She wouldn't have tried to take his keys or keep him from driving. She would have just hoped he didn't kill himself or anyone else.

So I'm not quite sure what to think. She seems absolutely fantastic and her references even from the "problematic" time frame are really, really good. I feel on one hand like I should take the most cautious route and move on to someone else, but at the same time I don't know that it's fair or right for me to pass her over because of bad, but not ongoing, past behavior of her husband.

I also think about the fact that many of the women I know could be in the same situation and I wouldn't know it unless they happened to call the cops one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that few people on this thread have experienced domestic violence. A lot of the responses are more like what you see on the Lifetime channel then what actually happens in the bowels of an abusive relationship. Few DV offenders fit the stalking, psychotic profile being thrown around here. Many many women are dealing with DV while holding down high pressure, high status careers. Whether they work in a board room or a lunch room, women manage DV every day without dropping the ball (unfortunately). I think your true concern is whether you want to be morally responsible for her situation. You may not be able to bear witness without doing something. I can understand. When I was in an abusive relationship I lost friends who just could not stand to know someone was hurting me and that they could not help. I still went to work on time every day. No one knew what happened to me at home. Had they run one of those free public searches on my boyfriend then they would have been appalled .

I am 20:38 above. I think you are missing the point. nobody is saying that every DV situation ends with the husband killing the wife and the people around her. I have limited experience with DV but I know that there are women who are living it every day (including educated women with good jobs), they have hell at home but nobody knows. but the issue is that OP does not know whether this is the one unlucky case where things go bad. as a mother, even if the chance is very low, I would not take it, I don't have kids to spare. you can never keep your kids 100% safe, but hiring as a nanny a person with this kind of family issues would be a risk I would not want to take. I would feel awful as a human being, but I would not do it. I agree with you that it is also difficult for an employer to witness this type of issues without doing anything. the friend of mine I described above tried to help her cleaning lady and ended up being threatened. while in the case of the cleaning lady my friend was an adult and did not have kids, so she took the risk on herself, in this case OP would take the risk on her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I talked to her. She explains it as two incidents about 6 months apart, drunken shouting and "being obnoxious", and that she called police because she did not want him to drive. She also told me he's sober now, and that what occurred happened when he was drinking heavily. She believes it's in the past. I asked how frequently this had occurred, and she said only the two occasions, but that "he's fine now" and it's no longer an issue.

This makes me wonder what would have happened if my mom had ever called the local sheriff back in the day when my dad was surely driving drunk on a regular basis. She wouldn't have tried to take his keys or keep him from driving. She would have just hoped he didn't kill himself or anyone else.

So I'm not quite sure what to think. She seems absolutely fantastic and her references even from the "problematic" time frame are really, really good. I feel on one hand like I should take the most cautious route and move on to someone else, but at the same time I don't know that it's fair or right for me to pass her over because of bad, but not ongoing, past behavior of her husband.

I also think about the fact that many of the women I know could be in the same situation and I wouldn't know it unless they happened to call the cops one night.

I would trust my gut. Did her story feel sincere and likely? You are right about the generational thing. My grandparents were married 52 years and they dealt with every marital issue under the sun. Grandma never would have called the police because DVD was a private matter. I am happy women are socially liberated from that POV. I hope this nanny is not forced back into the hiding because of the stigma that hasn't abated in the last 52 years.

[Anonymous]

Do you know for a fact they are still married?

[Anonymous]

Never mind. Just saw your latest post. I'm a nanny and I would probably pass. Maybe that's wrong of me but you can't un-know what you know.

[Anonymous]

As someone who grew up with a physically and verbally abusive father, I will say that he NEVER would have done anything in public. It was all behind closed doors, and in public we pretend to be the picture perfect family. Your kids are not in danger because of this, you all simply watch to much TV. As another poster pointed out, the issue here is whether you believe her story and whether you would feel morally responsible if something happened to her. Think of the millions of women who suffer DV in silence. They hold down jobs, and their coworkers are never the wiser. Do you think they're arent teachers who are victims? Doctors, nurses, neighbors, friends and their parents? The idea that you can shield your children from this issue completely is insane. Its usually something done in the dark, this man just happens to have a record.

[Anonymous]

My sister was murdered by her estranged husband in full sight of the children. He threatened to kill her if she ever tried to leave him with the kids. He drank and used meth. Once she called the police when she was frightened after he was treating their toddler abusively. Worried that he might lose his job, she retracted the claim. She hid a lot from her family, friends and employer due to shame and fear of losing her job. He looked for her at her job, the children's daycare, her home and finally found her at a friend's, where he badly injured her friend's husband (trying to defend her) and viciously murdered her using a weapon he had concealed on him the whole day. The guy had no record, a stable job, and a graduate degree. This nanny is not telling you the whole story. Ask yourself if you want to take the chance of putting you and your family at risk to be collateral damage in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister was murdered by her estranged husband in full sight of the children. He threatened to kill her if she ever tried to leave him with the kids. He drank and used meth. Once she called the police when she was frightened after he was treating their toddler abusively. Worried that he might lose his job, she retracted the claim. She hid a lot from her family, friends and employer due to shame and fear of losing her job. He looked for her at her job, the children's daycare, her home and finally found her at a friend's, where he badly injured her friend's husband (trying to defend her) and viciously murdered her using a weapon he had concealed on him the whole day. The guy had no record, a stable job, and a graduate degree. This nanny is not telling you the whole story. Ask yourself if you want to take the chance of putting you and your family at risk to be collateral damage in their relationship.

PP, I am so sorry about what has happened in your family. I'm in tears right now. I can hardly imagine that magnitude of pain. Thank you for sharing your experience here with us. Hugs to you. How is your sister's child today? How are you and your family doing?