Potential new nanny, great refs...husband has multiple arrests. Advice please!

[Anonymous]

We have interviewed a fantastic nanny candidate and want very much to hire her. Great references from reliable sources; great educational background; great repoire with our family. My only hesitation is this: in doing a Google search on her, I discovered that her husband has had at least two arrests, possibly more. The listed arrests were for domestic violence and interfering with a 911 call. We really like this candidate; however, I would be concerned about a potentially dangerous spouse. I have not yet asked candidate about the circumstances of his arrest(s).

Advice? Suggestions? Reactions? Please weigh in. I'd like to crowd source thinking on this one. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

No way. Sorry, OP.
Nanny here, btw.

[Anonymous]

Where did you find her, for God's sake? Care.com?

[Anonymous]

She could be going through a divorce.

[Anonymous]

It would be a terrible thing to punish her for actions that aren't her own, especially if she herself is a victim. I think it would be appropriate to ask her about his arrest record. If you want to hire her, I would let her know that you are aware of his record and that he is under no circumstances to come anywhere near her or your children while she is at work, that you will use a nanny cam, and that if you at any point feel that your children are in danger or that you can't trust her that it will be cause for immediate dismissal.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, I just would not touch this one. Move past her.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here - No way!!

[Anonymous]

If you are prepared to be a part of her drama, then hire her. But if you do hire her, make sure she doesn't give your address to her husband. You don't want him showing up there at all.

[Anonymous]

Yikes.

MB here. That would alarm me indeed, but I"d also feel badly about not at least talking to her about it.

I don't think anyone would condemn you for just walking away OP. But you could also have a very direct conversation with her about it, and establish very firm groundrules as 15:29 suggested.

- MB

[Anonymous]

OP here. Some additional background on why she's a good fit for our family (aside from the highlighted issue): she is a native speaker of a language my son has learned and we'd like to have him continue; not an easy language to find in our area.

To the PP asking where we found her: yes, Care.com, but that's also where we've found our two really fantastic long term nannies. But aside from Care.com, this person has been employed in another context that required her to go through some pretty robust background screening, and has worked for people and in contexts that are highly credible reference sources. So she, herself, is really solid. It's the husband issue I need to understand.

My plan is to follow up with her and let her know I'm aware of the arrests and would like to understand the context. We are very interested in working with her but obviously our kids' safety is first priority.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough call . As a nanny in a very abusive relationship I would say give her a chance. It's not her fault.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess Russian nanny? Yeah, pass on the abusive probably drunk husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess Russian nanny? Yeah, pass on the abusive probably drunk husband.

Wow, the amount of judgment you managed to fit into that statement is astounding.

I sincerely hope none of you ever have to experience anything like what the nanny in question may (or may not...we don't really know since OP didn't bother to ask) have.

The glaring lack of empathy and compassion, from a group of people entrusted with raising children, being displayed here is just sad.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully she needs this job in order to leave her husband. I'd let her know I know about the arrests, leave space for her to say whatever, and tell her "We like you. We think you'll be a great fit with our family. If there is even one instance of your issues with your husband overlapping into our family or your job then we will have to let you go."

[Anonymous]

If you are willing to give her an offer otherwise, then I would suggest a direct conversation. It is heartbreaking to think she could be turned away for being a victim.

I am a nanny and a sexual abuse survivor. I have never shared my past with an employer. I am aware that many many child abusers were themselves abused as children. However, I volunteer for many organizations that work on sex abuse issues and have even testified on legislation to protect women and children. I know child safety guidelines inside and out, my charge will never be hurt on my watch. Going through trauma has made me better caregiver. I don't think you can assume she would put your children in harms way.