Help. 20 year old son.

[Anonymous]

This is OP.
My son is on a full scholarship so tuition a nonissue. I don’t think I’d hold back paying for it though regardless.

Going to do my best to work this all out in my head so I handle it okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.
My son is on a full scholarship so tuition a nonissue. I don’t think I’d hold back paying for it though regardless.

Going to do my best to work this all out in my head so I handle it okay.

Oh, so he’s completely financially independent?

[Anonymous]

Christmas break, proposal but years until marriage
Spring break, she’s pregnant and he’s leaving college at the end of the academic term, looking for a job and a small apartment for the two soon to be three.

[Anonymous]

Cards on the table: engaged at 21 (summer before my senior year), married at 23, first kid just before I turned 25. Wish we’d just gotten married instead of lolling around being engaged — we ended up eloping anyway. Deliriously happy except that Kid #3 is teething and had me up all night.

That said, I don’t understand why people are so upset about this, or so opposed to financially supporting an adult child who is married. What makes it so different than supporting an adult child who is unmarried but cohabiting? (I wouldn’t want my adult child’s partner to live at my house, so I definitely understand the difference in terms of DS coming home to live after school, but assuming that’s not on the table...) If you’d let your son stay on your insurance until 26 even if he was living with his girlfriend, why not let him do it if he’s living with his wife?

[Anonymous]

And to be clear (I’m 9:01), I was paying my own rent, phone bill, buying groceries, etc. as soon as I graduated. Got off my parents insurance when my sister graduated (since keeping me on was no more expensive as long as she was on it). I just don’t understand the people in this thread and would like to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.
My son is on a full scholarship so tuition a nonissue. I don’t think I’d hold back paying for it though regardless.

Going to do my best to work this all out in my head so I handle it okay.

Oh, so he’s completely financially independent?

Oh gosh no. I mean, he's on full scholarship and also has a little job for pocket money, but he definitely couldn't live on his own without us supporting him if he didn't have a dorm, food paid for, etc. We still pay for his clothing, car, insurance, entertainment, all that stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And to be clear (I’m 9:01), I was paying my own rent, phone bill, buying groceries, etc. as soon as I graduated. Got off my parents insurance when my sister graduated (since keeping me on was no more expensive as long as she was on it). I just don’t understand the people in this thread and would like to.

This is OP. My concern isn't entirely focused on finances. That's part of it, because I do fear that this "long planned engagement" will turn into actually getting married once the ring is on and the bridal magazines come out. Its fun to plan a wedding and tempting to not wait.

But my bigger concern is about the age they are at. The brain is not fully developed until age 25. At age 20, a kid has way too much growing to do to not entirely focus on themselves and developing who they are. Its a big step to consider "two" rather than "one" when going through all of that development. It is a very, very long life, and the selfish period is incredibly and preciously short.

And without any extenuating circumstances (ie a pregnancy or something)...I don't understand the rush.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people get engaged at all ages and don’t actually end up married. Be thankful that they plan to wait to get married and let them enjoy being engaged. It may blow over in a year or so, or you may be getting a DIL that you didn’t speak negatively about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Thanks for all the input. I appreciate it.
It was a shock.
No, she’s not pregnant.

I don’t disagree with him proposing. It just feels rushed. And why?

My husband and I are going to chat with him and ask him to just wait until September when he turns 21. And, we’re going to ask them to promise to finish college and have jobs with health insurance before they actually get married.
We will be sure to approach it with support.

Just a huge shock.

This is so dumb. They are adults. They don’t need to promise you anything. He wants to propose because it’s the holidays and he loves. Whether they marry tomorrow or in ten years, you saying nothing other than congrats and give support. You don’t get a say. Be pleased that he is in a healthy relationship with a loving partner and that they are happily living their lives. He survived growing up, apparently has not major drug or MH issues and has managed money well enough for a ring. Celebrate. They are adults and it is time to start treating him as such. Hugs all around and maybe a small engagement gift.

I married young and my mom pulled the same crap. Guess how much it impressed us? Guess how much those promises meant, that we said to shut her up? His mom was actually supportive and loving. Guess where we spent most of our family time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And to be clear (I’m 9:01), I was paying my own rent, phone bill, buying groceries, etc. as soon as I graduated. Got off my parents insurance when my sister graduated (since keeping me on was no more expensive as long as she was on it). I just don’t understand the people in this thread and would like to.

This is OP. My concern isn't entirely focused on finances. That's part of it, because I do fear that this "long planned engagement" will turn into actually getting married once the ring is on and the bridal magazines come out. Its fun to plan a wedding and tempting to not wait.

But my bigger concern is about the age they are at. The brain is not fully developed until age 25. At age 20, a kid has way too much growing to do to not entirely focus on themselves and developing who they are. Its a big step to consider "two" rather than "one" when going through all of that development. It is a very, very long life, and the selfish period is incredibly and preciously short.

And without any extenuating circumstances (ie a pregnancy or something)...I don't understand the rush.

Holy shit, you sound exactly like my mother. The rush? We didn’t see the point in waiting. We wanted to be married, it was that simple. We had so much fun learning about ourselves with one another. A partner should be a best friend. Did your closest friends hinder your development? If it is healthy, they will support one another through the changes. Doesn’t matter if it the changes of maturing those years, dealing with the death of a parent, having children or dealing with a serious illness. Life is long and will be full of a hundred stages and changes. In each, it is about growing and dealing with those things together.

You don’t get to decide if they get engaged or married, you get to decide how to react. You get to decide if the choices you are making today meet your long term goals. Do you hope to have a close and open relationship with them? Want to be an involved grandma someday? Then show love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And to be clear (I’m 9:01), I was paying my own rent, phone bill, buying groceries, etc. as soon as I graduated. Got off my parents insurance when my sister graduated (since keeping me on was no more expensive as long as she was on it). I just don’t understand the people in this thread and would like to.

This is OP. My concern isn't entirely focused on finances. That's part of it, because I do fear that this "long planned engagement" will turn into actually getting married once the ring is on and the bridal magazines come out. Its fun to plan a wedding and tempting to not wait.

But my bigger concern is about the age they are at. The brain is not fully developed until age 25. At age 20, a kid has way too much growing to do to not entirely focus on themselves and developing who they are. Its a big step to consider "two" rather than "one" when going through all of that development. It is a very, very long life, and the selfish period is incredibly and preciously short.

And without any extenuating circumstances (ie a pregnancy or something)...I don't understand the rush.

You realize that until very recently, people got married at those ages all the time? If you go to our parents' or grandparents' generations, this was the norm, and the world somehow functioned.

Also, I knew at 20 I was going to marry my boyfriend (who was also 20) and vice versa. We did not get formally engaged until we were 23 and married until we were 25, but those were merely money/logistical issues. We have been married now for 15 years, have post-graduate degrees and good jobs, two children, and a good marriage. I do not see why getting engaged at 20 is the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Skyeblue wrote:OK I'll be the lone voice of dissent here and say I think it's a pretty bad idea, but I also think there's miles of middle ground between "Congratulations!!!" and "Dave we're cutting you off".

I see the red flag here as: 2 young people who planned to attend college close by (great!), getting engaged (hmm), and the whole "we won't get married for a while".

Then what's the rush? Be together, be committed, etc. But this strikes me as one or both (but likely one) wanting some kind of place-holder here. And there's just no such thing, even after everyone's wearing a ring. You still have to work together and be your best selves. Maybe I'm a cynic, but something's off about a couple of college sophomores who want to do this. Other possibility is the sex thing; is someone holding out.

Either way, just talk to your son OP and be prepared to have several conversations about the motivations here. Just because you recognize the seriousness of these decisions doesn't mean your potential future DIL will hate you forever.

Ummm, if I found out my future MIL told her son not to get engaged to me, or implied he was only getting engaged to get laid, or that I was otherwise somehow manipulating him/being immature, the possibility of us enjoying cordial relationship in the future would be close to nil. And if you think OP's son won't tell his girlfriend all of the stuff the mom tells him, you are beyond deluded.

[Anonymous]

OP tread very lightly!! My in laws were also concerned when my fiancé decided to propose when I was 21 and we had only dated for a year and half. They also were mad he was moving to me. I have never forgotten that and we have been financially dependent from day one going on 6 years. We both have advanced degrees in law and medicine. This has impacted my relationship with them and any future grandkids I’m sure .

[Anonymous]

OP, think about this. If you are not supportive of the engagement they could just elope. My uncle and his wife did this. My grandparents were not supportive whatsoever of my uncle marrying his high school sweetheart so while in college they eloped and just went back to their colleges without telling anyone. It only came out when my uncle was in a car accident and his wife brought the marriage certificate to be permitted to make all the health decisions and banned my grandparents from seeing their son. The bad blood had been established and nothing could be done. My uncle is still married to her.

I know two people who also eloped 10 years ago under similar circumstances. Just eloped in college and went back to school. Being engaged is ok, so young is not O’Dea but it doesn’t mean they’re married or guaranteed to get married. They will need their parents to pay for their wedding supposedly as they’re in school so OP does have some leverage. But I would tread lightly that you don’t alienate the son and girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with you in an ideal world, it's too young to get married and someone at that age doesn't really have enough life experience to even know what is important in a partner and co-parent.

All that said, just smile and support. Plenty of people do what they're doing and succeed. My sister was engaged at 20, married at 22, first kid at 26. They're still married 25+ years later. My parents made a HUGE stink about it when she got engaged and it ruined their relationship with her and honestly, they never recovered. My parents thought she was going to listen to them. She didn't. My parents thought the marriage wouldn't work out. They were wrong.