Help. 20 year old son.

[Anonymous]

It’s a compliment to you, OP, and your DH that your son is excited about the concept of marriage.

[Anonymous]

It’s weird to me how so many posters who married young think it’s the best thing ever. I know of one case where it worked out well, and all the many others blew up spectacularly. You are right to be concerned, OP.

[Anonymous]

Marrying young can be a wonderful thing, and I will never understand why it's more acceptable to marry at age 30 after dating for a year than it is to marry at 22 after dating/being engaged for 5+ years....

Certainly getting married so young can work out, but very often it doesn’t. There are so many obvious reasons why getting married in your mid-late 20s and early 30s is, in general, indicative of marriage success, such as brain development, maturity, educational achievements, job stability, financial security...the list really goes one. Not sure why this is such a challenge for you to grasp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a compliment to you, OP, and your DH that your son is excited about the concept of marriage.

Not necessarily. My sister always clashed with my parents (who loved her and supported her) and as part of her rejection of them she wanted to make her “own family” as soon as possible so married her bf of several years at age 19 who shortly thereafter became abusive and addicted to drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a compliment to you, OP, and your DH that your son is excited about the concept of marriage.

Not necessarily. My sister always clashed with my parents (who loved her and supported her) and as part of her rejection of them she wanted to make her “own family” as soon as possible so married her bf of several years at age 19 who shortly thereafter became abusive and addicted to drugs.

Nice anecdote, but OP’s son is voluntarily sharing with his Dad his intentions about taking a big step. He appears to have a good relationship with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.

[Anonymous]

I married young. I am still married 25 years later. I finished my education after I got married, didn't impact me one bit. We are quite well off. This was absolutely normal 20 years ago. Sometimes you know that one person is the right person, and you don't wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.

There it is. The same parent who holds ollege tuition over her kids' heads to control them. Continuing to try to use money as a control even when it hasn't been asked for and long after it is appropriate.

control freaks need to find a better way to deal with their children. And if you wonder how bad mothers and law are created, you have it right here

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are making a problem where a problem doesn’t actually exist. They are only getting engaged, not married. They are planning to marry after college, so it doesn’t appear to impact their education plans, and as a bonus, gives them some more time as a couple before they take the step into marriage.
I guess IF after they finish college, they are still engaged, and IF by that time you still have concerns about the future DIL to be, then I guess you can get worried, but those are two big ifs.
Meanwhile, enjoy your son’s visit home, and Happy Holidays!

[Anonymous]

PP here just to add that when I saw this thread title, I was thinking (based on many other threads in DCUM or just reading paper, etc.)
-Major estrangement
-Dropping out of college
-At home not working, no prospects
-Drugs
-Mental health crisis

You have a healthy sucessful son in college in a stable romantic relationship that makes him happy. In the words of the popular holiday song, count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a compliment to you, OP, and your DH that your son is excited about the concept of marriage.

Uh no. Concept of unlimited sex.

[Anonymous]

Just be supportive and encourage him to buy a ring appropriate for his budget and no more than that.

There isn't any rush. But it isn't your life. Here's e engagement is long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be supportive. I've met many people who got engaged in college and got married after.

But what's the big deal? Sounds like he has a plan and it's something they've talked about. Sounds like they've been serious for awhile. Not everyone needs to date around before getting married.

Me too. But I have met more people who got engaged during college and split up before getting married. Often, a proposal like this is motivated by insecurity in the relationship, or rationalizing waning feelings. The only think you don't want to do is give him/them a reason to get married without thinking it through, and pushing against your opposition would do just that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He says they won't get married for several years so why go crazy. They are obviously serious about each other so why be disruptive?

This.

Your son already said they don't plan to marry for a few years, so leave this alone. Be very supportive and happy when you talk to them. Buy them an engagement present. You say you love the gf and she might be your DIL, so don't ruin the relationship. If it doesn't work out between them, then you don't want to do anything that puts you in the position of being blamed for the breakup or prevents your son from ever confiding in you or allowing you to be close to him and any future girlfriend or wife again. Whether their relationship lasts or not, your best option is to be supportive and act happy about this.

OP, you're at a milestone right now. How you handle this could determine whether you become one of these MILs who can't understand why she's not close with her son and his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choosing to become engaged and married is an adult decision. While it is their decision, it is my decision (as a parent) to not support a married couple. To me, that means health insurance, help with living expenses and footing the entire wedding bill.

My suggestion is to layout your expeditions. A 20 year old has no idea how much $$ they will need to live, from health insurance to car insurance, etc. Lots of financial stress.

There it is. The same parent who holds ollege tuition over her kids' heads to control them. Continuing to try to use money as a control even when it hasn't been asked for and long after it is appropriate.

control freaks need to find a better way to deal with their children. And if you wonder how bad mothers and law are created, you have it right here

Ok so are you saying parents SHOULD pay to support a married couple? To what extent? For how long?