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Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.
When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.
I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.
I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.
It does get easier, OP, but it's been five years for me, and I still think about her every day. It's like mourning, really, but you never quite fully come to terms with the loss, because that person is still out there, somewhere. The hardest thing was finding what's missing in my life, feeling it so intensely, and then having it suddenly be gone. I wish I had advice for you, but really all you can do is ride out the pain. It will fade. But the memory won't.
I agree with 12:34 - you'll find very little sympathy here, and Reddit is a better bet. Not having anyone to talk to about it (other than someone who charges $225/hr) makes it all the more difficult to move on. Good luck.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Cogiteur wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.
OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.
I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.
Nice post. I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him? Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?
Because this is where I am. It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.
I do long for him. We do still keep in touch. We both have acknowledged our feelings, but want to stay true to our spouses. Some days are more difficult than others, but I am learning it's more important to just know the love is there. I don't need to hear it all the time because I know it just is. It's taken a long time to get to this place, but it's worth it.
I just poured myself a glass of wine. Please share more. Do your spouses know about your deep feelings for each other? Do you love your spouse? Are you "in love" with your spouse? Do you fantasize about this other man? Have you ever been with him romantically? Do you live near one another? Thank you for your candidness. I hope you'll pop in again to comment. I need a good romance tonight.
Our spouses do not know the depth, but my husband knows of him. I do love my spouse. He is my best friend, an absolutely amazing father, and we have great sex. I have been with the other man romantically, but the last time was about a year before I even met my husband. Even then we only had sex a handful of times. We currently live in the same county, but on opposite sides of it. I do not fantasize about him sexually, but more romantically. Its going to sound cheesy, but sometimes at random moments I get these images of us. We are just holding each other...and that is what it has always been like for us. Its just feeling and knowing that other person is there.
Not cheesy. At all.
Anonymous wrote:Cogiteur wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.
OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.
I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.
Nice post. I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him? Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?
Because this is where I am. It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.
I do long for him. We do still keep in touch. We both have acknowledged our feelings, but want to stay true to our spouses. Some days are more difficult than others, but I am learning it's more important to just know the love is there. I don't need to hear it all the time because I know it just is. It's taken a long time to get to this place, but it's worth it.
Really beautiful.
I'm envious of your relationship, that he can still hear (or read) your voice. And I'm humbled by your honesty, and your fidelity.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.
OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.
I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.
Op here. This is similar to my situation. I'm trying to work up the nerve to tell him how I feel but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid it's not real, that I'll say it and then things will change. And I don't think he'd say it back, but I also think he wants me to say it. He's asked me several times to tell him what I'm thinking, and I try but it's literally like I open my mouth and the words won't come out. And then I say something half-assed.
"I think I'm falling in love with you."
He's not asking what you're thinking about climate change or the economy or whether Tom Brady really deserved a four-game suspension. He's asking you what you're thinking.
You should tell him.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's my theory on this post: you desperately want to believe that the man you are involved with "secretly" loves you but is just afraid/held back by his fears/too macho/emotionally scarred/dipshit/the bitches got him first.
OP, please. He's not the one for you. Stop it. Stop wasting your time.
I'm not the OP, but this is actually what happened to me. I was in love with a guy. I knew he cared about me, but always felt it was one sided and on his terms. We never properly dated, but had a really strong, complicated connection. After 3 years I finally told him that I loved him. I expected nothing back. A month or two later, he told me that he loved me as well...and then disappeared. Come to find out the reason he was M.I.A was because he was scared of what he was feeling. So that actually does happen. We are not together. We would not be good together in marriage. I still love him deeply and I know that he still loves me as well. This has been going on for 20 years now and it makes you realize just how beautiful love is. It is not just one dimensional. It is a multi faceted experience.
Nice post. I'm curious - If you love him that deeply, and it hasn't wavered in two decades, don't you long for him? Or have you found a place where you can feel that kind of love without dissolving into madness?
Because this is where I am. It's only been a year, and I'm trying to come to terms with being in love with her for the rest of my life and not being able to ever hold her again.
Anonymous wrote:If you didn't tell her, why not? Is it because you weren't sure whether it was love? Or were the circumstances inappropriate? I think this happens in men and I'm trying to understand it. Have you ever been in a relationship or friendship where you knew you were in love with the woman but you never told her? Or have you been in a relationship where the woman tells you she loves you, but you don't say it back because you don't return the feeling? What would you call the feeling you did feel if you wouldn't call it love?
I've been in love only twice in my life. The first time around I was in college, and feeling bold, and just took the risk and told her. The second time around things were complicated, so I danced around it, implied it, made not-so-subtle references to it, but never actually told her, "I love you." She knew it, but how I wanted to say the words ...
Being in love is both wonderfully exhilarating and utterly terrifying at the same time. And to actually tell someone that you love her is to render yourself completely emotionally vulnerable. No one likes that feeling, especially men, and for some the risk of humiliation or rejection or a broken heart is just too great.
Anonymous wrote:I would like him to go fuck himself also.
I know this is weird, but I want to invite you to come stay at my house, in our guest room. My kids will make you pictures and crossword puzzles and lend you their coloring books and games to entertain yourself. I'll give you soup and cough medicine.
You need SLEEEEEEEEP. Sleep heals. You are EXHAUSTED from coughing. Please take care of yourself so this doesn't turn into pneumonia.
+1
And once you're all better, please take care of yourself.
Anonymous wrote:Fair enough on the talk to him point. It's what I would be telling someone else who posted this too. I just feel like I don't want to make him feel bad about that comment or make an issue of it (which it wouldn't have to be, I know, but any time someone brings up something they've been stewing on, I feel like it makes the other person feel a little bad), because it totally was in the context of a different conversation and it truly was an innocent comment.
Right now we are not planning to have kids, we think we want to remain childfree. We will revisit the issue in a couple of years (I am 30).
He takes you for granted, which, quite honestly, given what you've described, is easy for him to do. I'm not sure why you're okay with shouldering so much of the household burden, but if you do decide to have children, I really can't imagine you being able to sustain it. Not without becoming bitter and resentful, anyway. Your selflessness is admirable, but you are a wife, not a martyr, and obviously his taking you for granted is needling you.
The only way for him to appreciate your contribution is, as has already been suggested, to have him experience it himself. My suggestion: Plan a long getaway by yourself, or with friends/family - long enough that he will need to do laundry, cook, clean, and see what happens. Don't give him a list. Don't give him an orientation. Just go. He'll either rise to the occasion and realize all that you do, or the ensuing disaster will be the catalyst you need to spur a discussion without, hopefully, sparking a confrontation.
Anonymous wrote:You are not alone in your loneliness. Seek friendship and emotional support outside your marriage. No, not an affair. Just friends, family, volunteer work, coworkers. Add meaning to your life ... Your happiness always was and still is all up to you. I am really talking to myself here but maybe it will help you too. But I am sorry ... It is sad that such a potentially important and meaningful relationship can be so very hollow.
+1
Anonymous wrote:am sorry am without words
Am sorry too. On both counts.
Anonymous wrote:I think he was testing the waters and she turned him down. That's how it sounds to me...
Exactly what I was thinking. But would he have a) followed through, and if so, b) attempted to escalate things beyond drinks? We can only speculate. Maybe he would have just enjoyed the thrill of knowing she accepted, and left it at that. Or maybe he would have met her for drinks, justified it by talking some shop, enjoyed the company of a beautiful woman, and then called it a night. Maybe he would have even told you about it, and maybe you would have had some of the best sex in years when he got home.
Look, I don't care who you are - male or female, married or unmarried - everyone wants to believe they've still got it. People test the waters every day, but that doesn't mean they have alterior motives.
(Though sometimes they do ...
)
Anonymous wrote:Cogiteur wrote:Anonymous wrote:God, my husband is the worst nag in the world. The kids and I are so happy when [s]he's traveling because he so exhausting and unpleasant. Sad but true.
Yup.
+1
Yet you stay married?
It's complicated (naturally), but it comes down to this: I choose to stay married out of obligation. I care about her welfare and well being, but there is where it ends. There is zero emotional connection, and we are just very, very different. I look for happiness where (and yes, with whom) I can find it. Otherwise, it's just getting through.
Anonymous wrote:God, my husband is the worst nag in the world. The kids and I are so happy when [s]he's traveling because he so exhausting and unpleasant. Sad but true.
Yup.
+1
Anonymous wrote:Please know I do not reside her. I searched as searched until I found this site. I hope it's appropriate to ask this question here. Now let's get down to business..
I met a guy at a bar three weeks ago. It was a very quick and drunken meet - literally five minutes. We started texting, talking, and skyping. We set up a date for Saturday but I am hesitant on going. Reasons being: He has already called me baby, tells me he " likes me sooo much", I'm his dream girl, texts all day, everyday, and he asked for a naked picture. He saw a picture of my mom and I on FB and told me " I would like to see what you look like older". He always tells me he knows we will date bag be perfect for each other.
I'm starting to get a little weirded out. I don't even know this guy so he sure as hell can't know any of this about me. I do want to get to know him but I'm hesitant due to his weird behavior. I'm not that experienced in relationships but I know most don't act like this. I need an outsiders opinion, please.
I think you have your answer.
Anonymous wrote:Cogiteur wrote:Anonymous wrote:First disclosure - I am female. Second disclosure - I saw myself in this - used to be like this years ago. I woke up and my marriage is SO MUCH BETTER! Do I get bitchy sometimes? Sure. But I'm also quick to let him know when I'm overtired or PMSed, so that he doesn't take it personally. In fact, now we laugh a lot more than we did, because he will say something like "OK, you know this is not my fault, but you are giving me sh*t about it anyway, right?" Before he would be spinning trying to fix things that were NOT his fault. A huge catch-22 for men.
So take note and ask yourself if perhaps, there is any part of you in this. It just might save your marriage:
http://www.youngcons.com/woman-realizes-shes-been-verbally-abusing-her-husband-without-even-knowing-it/
+1M
This article could also be titled, "The Other Reason Men Have Affairs."
Perhaps we're getting hints into the reason behind your inability to sustain intimacy with a partner.
Perhaps you are.