One year after I ended my affair and I’d appreciate hearing from those who BTDT

[Anonymous]

I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.

When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.

I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.

I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.

[Anonymous]

You are a really crappy person for cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a married woman in my mid 30s and had an 8 week affair that I ended a year ago today. I ended it because I felt guilty about what I was doing to my husband, my kids and my responsibilities and basically recognized I couldn’t keep up the double life. We only saw each other five times during that period as we live in different places.

When is it normal to be past this? I am not past it. I think of him every day, multiple times a day. So many things make me think of him. I replay everything in my head, I wonder what he’s doing, and waste a lot of energy feeling relatively despondent about it all. It was the happiest I have been in years and years and now it’s all gone and I’m never going to get it back. Sometimes that just feels too heavy to handle. I wish i never knew what it felt like.

I’m not sure that I actually miss him, more that I miss the excitement and the connection with someone. It’s definitely much more about the emotional than the physical. My marriage sucks, counseling hasn’t worked, and it’s been in a bad place for a very, very long time. I don’t feel that I can leave because of the negative impact it would have to my small children.

I didn’t mean to use this to vent. Really I just want to know when I will forget this ever happened and move on with my life. It’s torture.

I think this is key to eventually moving past this. If it weren't him, it would be someone else. And it still wouldn't fix the problems in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

You ised the afdair to avoid solving your marriage problem. Counseling didn’t work. So, now what are your choices? Did you ask for an open marriage? Don’t want to do that, then your chouces are to stay and wirk on yourself - what can you do (besides boinking someone) to build healthy connections with other human beings and with your kids and in meaningful work (paid or unpaid). If you don’t want to dk that then divorce is your only remaining option, so figure out how to make taht work - millions of other parents do.

People who have affairs use them as excuses not to cope with the reality of their lives.

[Anonymous]

What you’re feeling is not normal. You’re diverting your marriage issues to this fantasy you briefly lived. You need to get divorced, work on yourself and only then will you be able to be a good partner to anyone.

[Anonymous]

I think you should get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Your husband deserves better.

Your affair isn’t over in your mind. Until then you have no chance. The best thing you could do is come clean, even to say your minister, and fully commit to your marriage. Instead you are selfish and run to the easy thrill.

[Anonymous]

You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

You have small children...ofcourse your marriage is strained. The affair was a fantasy, outlet back to feeling like you did pre-kid, and an escape from reality. Wake up...own your life, work on your marriage and why not try to capture some of that magic with your DH. If therapy isn’t working get a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

You use the excitement like a drug. Kicked that dopamine up a notch to feel better. So you need a better way to cope with the misery of your marriage.

Fantasize about leaving. Life as a single mom. Does it give you relief? Or terrify you? Or something in between? If you feel relief, you probably should seriously consider leaving.

[Anonymous]

This is why I would never break up with my AP. Life in an affair is complicated but it's worth it under some circumstances.

Find a new AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never break up with my AP. Life in an affair is complicated but it's worth it under some circumstances.

Find a new AP.

Yeah,that’s the answer. WTF

[Anonymous]

You’re only in your mid thirties. I’m taking it that you’ve checked out on your family and want to be singke. Please get a divorce. Your children and spouse deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Go catch him if you must. Or resign yourself to the duty you signed up for, kids, etc... not knowing you’d end up partially miserable.

Sorry, either path sucks. Also, understand that your dream guy is just a fantasy in your head. 5 dates over 8 weeks and still smitten a year later? You’re living in fantasy land as an escape. Come back to earth.

There are more emotionally healthy outlets. Good friendships and hobbies might fill that gap. You need time and distance from your crush/crutch.

[Anonymous]

The fact that your affair partner has not relentlessly pursued you after the breakup as his "soulmate", tells you all you need to know. This was, and continues to be, an emotional fantasy for you. Give it up, let go of the mental engagement, and start to live in the here and now with the husband you do have.