Nagging and how it destroys men and marriages

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[Post New]05/19/2015 21:57
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think both sides are guilty of nagging, but women tend to nag over more "silly" things. I mean, I load the dishwasher horribly. It drives DH nuts and when I do load it (rare) he will usually comment on it. The thing is, he's right. There really IS a proper way to load the dishwasher because when I load in my way, not everything is clean. When I load it his way, everything is clean. So nagging? Yes. But with good reason.

I remember nagging DH about something stupid (I can't remember exactly what) and he just looked at me and said "is there a different outcome between how I do and and how you want me to do it?" and when I realized the answer was no, I shut my mouth.

Some nagging is constructive. Most is not.


At least you own the dishwasher loading, my wife has chipped dishes and glasses and all cause she refuses to change her loading technique.
I told her here the owners manual look at pg 44, it even has pictures.

Another example of nagging, she let me know when my scrambled eggs are lumpy.
I told her God I am so lucky that you let me cook you sloppy breakfast.
I will do better tomorrow.

Yup, we have issues due to nagging.


OK, I need to now check my manual - LOL! I SUCK at this task! My husband always corrects me. But I know I suck at it so it doesn't bug me. But pictures? Holy CRAP!!!! YAY!
[Post New]05/19/2015 21:59
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Nagging wife here. So, how so I stop?


I realized what I was doing was emasculating him, and that was enough to make me be much more careful and considerate. I also learned as I aged not to sweat the small stuff. As the kids aged, that helped TONS!
[Post New]05/19/2015 22:00
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Cogiteur wrote:
Anonymous wrote:First disclosure - I am female. Second disclosure - I saw myself in this - used to be like this years ago. I woke up and my marriage is SO MUCH BETTER! Do I get bitchy sometimes? Sure. But I'm also quick to let him know when I'm overtired or PMSed, so that he doesn't take it personally. In fact, now we laugh a lot more than we did, because he will say something like "OK, you know this is not my fault, but you are giving me sh*t about it anyway, right?" Before he would be spinning trying to fix things that were NOT his fault. A huge catch-22 for men.

So take note and ask yourself if perhaps, there is any part of you in this. It just might save your marriage:

http://www.youngcons.com/woman-realizes-shes-been-verbally-abusing-her-husband-without-even-knowing-it/


+1M

This article could also be titled, "The Other Reason Men Have Affairs."


Perhaps we're getting hints into the reason behind your inability to sustain intimacy with a partner.


The number one reason men have affairs is because they do not feel appreciated at home.
[Post New]05/19/2015 22:03
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Anonymous
Great rwad!
[Post New]05/19/2015 22:03
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Anonymous
Read
[Post New]05/21/2015 07:19
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Anonymous
I don't know why women get a pass on this.
[Post New]05/21/2015 08:15
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Anonymous
Dr. Laura, is that you?
[Post New]05/21/2015 09:53
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Anonymous
Both sexes do this, so let's not turn this into a war of "who nags more"

The way you stop doing it...

1) know the difference between 'the way I like to do it' and the 'way it has to be done'. I like my plates with large plates on one side, small plates on the other. DH puts them in willy-nilly. Do they still get clean? Yep. So I say nothing and rearrange behind him. My stupid OCD, so I deal with it. Not his responsibiity.

2) is this just the 'way they are'? I have a habit of leaving kitchen cabinets open. Sometimes completely open, sometimes I try to close them, but only get them 1/2 closed. DH just accepts this about me. He'll jokingly teases me and I try to do better. But really, it's just another one of my quirks. So he goes behind me closing cabinets.

3) Understand that you need a ratio of 5 good to 1 bad interactions to have a good marriage. (Read John Gottman) So this helps in 2 ways-- it forces you to notice the good things they do and telling them (thank you for taking out the trash; you were good with the kids this afternoon) and makes you think about whether or not it's worth it to bring up something little that is 'bothering' you.
If you knew that enough comments about loading the dishwasher wrong or buying the wrong kind of paper towels would lead to divorce, would you say it? Or can you say it in a kinder way? (He's not an idiot because he puts the plates in willy nilly. So I can ask him nicely, "I know this is totally my OCD. You don't have to do this, but if you think about it could you put the large plates here and the small plates there?" Then I notice when he does it the way I've asked him and thank him.)

Remind yourself, you aren't his mother or her father. You are a teammate and partner. Would you say this to a co-worker? Do you really think your spouse is an idiot? if you do, then way are you married to them?
[Post New]05/21/2015 10:08
quote
Anonymous

My mother nagged/nags continually. It's part of her anxious, narcissistic, paranoid personality. She can be charming to others, but not to my father and me.

My father still waits on her hand and foot. I evacuated as soon as I could, 6 thousand miles away. I don't like her, even though I love her - if that makes sense.


[Post New]05/21/2015 10:38
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:First disclosure - I am female. Second disclosure - I saw myself in this - used to be like this years ago. I woke up and my marriage is SO MUCH BETTER! Do I get bitchy sometimes? Sure. But I'm also quick to let him know when I'm overtired or PMSed, so that he doesn't take it personally. In fact, now we laugh a lot more than we did, because he will say something like "OK, you know this is not my fault, but you are giving me sh*t about it anyway, right?" Before he would be spinning trying to fix things that were NOT his fault. A huge catch-22 for men.

So take note and ask yourself if perhaps, there is any part of you in this. It just might save your marriage:

http://www.youngcons.com/woman-realizes-shes-been-verbally-abusing-her-husband-without-even-knowing-it/


Calling BULLSHIT on you being female. Good try though.
[Post New]05/21/2015 10:41
quote
Anonymous
God, my husband is the worst nag in the world. The kids and I are so happy when he's traveling because he so exhausting and unpleasant. Sad but true.
[Post New]05/21/2015 12:48
quote
Cogiteur
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:God, my husband is the worst nag in the world. The kids and I are so happy when [s]he's traveling because he so exhausting and unpleasant. Sad but true.


Yup.

+1
[Post New]05/21/2015 12:50
quote
Anonymous
Cogiteur wrote:
Anonymous wrote:God, my husband is the worst nag in the world. The kids and I are so happy when [s]he's traveling because he so exhausting and unpleasant. Sad but true.


Yup.

+1


Yet you stay married?
[Post New]05/21/2015 13:06
quote
Anonymous
Lack of communication from DH lead to nagging in my marriage. I never knew if things were being done because he never told me either way. I had to ask multiple times to get any answer out of him. That led to a lot of resentment on my part. 7 months of therapy later, much better communication on both sides = no nagging.
[Post New]05/21/2015 13:47
quote
Cogiteur
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
Cogiteur wrote:
Anonymous wrote:God, my husband is the worst nag in the world. The kids and I are so happy when [s]he's traveling because he so exhausting and unpleasant. Sad but true.


Yup.

+1


Yet you stay married?


It's complicated (naturally), but it comes down to this: I choose to stay married out of obligation. I care about her welfare and well being, but there is where it ends. There is zero emotional connection, and we are just very, very different. I look for happiness where (and yes, with whom) I can find it. Otherwise, it's just getting through.
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