Making it all look too easy - a mistake? (Housework/cooking/errands/etc)
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Anonymous
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I telecommute full-time, DH has about a 40 minute each way commute. We make roughly similar amounts (although I make slightly higher salary and between 5 - 25% more depending on bonuses, just for context). We've had this setup since we got married just over 2 years ago, so DH has never known any different. I sometimes joke he has the best of both worlds, a wife that makes a decent income and a stay-at-home wife to take care of the home fires.
The other day he made a very innocent comment about me having an extra hour and a half of free time every day. We were just talking about if he might want to look for a different job with a shorter commute. The funny thing is we used to live 5 minutes from his job, and he complained it was too close (he's a car guy and likes a chance to drive his car/motorcycle). I do agree 40 minutes kind of sucks (no traffic at least, and multiple routes he can take), and I'm encouraging of him looking for a different job if he'd like to. 20 minutes would be ideal I think. That's a little bit besides the point. Anyway, that comment has been irking me a little bit, although I haven't said anything to him. As I'm thinking about it, I realize it's because he has NO IDEA how much I do around the house in that extra hour and a half. I do 100% of the cooking (we have a homemade meal 95% of the time, pizza or eating out maybe once a month). I do all the laundry (he puts his clothes away about 50% of the time, the other half I do it just because laundry is done mid-day), I do 100% of the cleaning, I handle any sort of daytime issues/errands/repairmen (calling about bills, sprinkler repairman last week, handyman this week, etc), I do all the yard work. His chores are taking out the trash once a week, putting dishes in the dishwasher after dinner and unloading the dishwasher about 75% of the time, and he also does the grocery shopping (which is awesome and I am very appreciative of)! I am NOT unhappy with the division of chores. I care a lot more about the house and his level of housework would make me crazy. I'm totally fine with doing the chores I'm doing. But what I'm realizing is - he doesn't even recognize that they are getting done!! He doesn't realize the house doesn't keep itself clean. I really try to get the chores done in that window every day. I have the table set and dinner ready within 20 minutes of when he gets home every night, and I do my very best to have everything very "calm" when he comes home - dishes from prepping dinner already put in the dishwasher, house is tidy, mail has been brought in and sorted, etc. He comes home and everything seems like it just magically got done. I think I need to start doing some more of the chores when he is home, and taking some of my down time when he isn't home. There wouldn't be any problem with that, we usually spend about an hour together and then go off to our own areas to relax for awhile in the evening, so it wouldn't be taking away from time together or anything. But I think he might realize what goes into keeping a house running smoothly. I thought I was being a good wife and homemaker (which is an important role to me) by having everything look easy and smooth... but now I'm realizing, how can I expect him to know what goes into it when I always do it when he's not around? He's appreciative in the abstract, but he doesn't realize it is taking up most of that extra hour and a half every day to do the chores I do and cook. I don't know, what do you think? Is there value in making sure he sees some of what gets done? I want to be clear - he's a great guy. He'll help with absolutely anything I ask him to - I don't want to ask him to do more. He's just a little oblivious and I want him to be aware of how much I take on around the house, without being so pushy as like "Let's make a list of chores" or anything like that. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, if "let's make a list of chores" is too "pushy" for you, then you need help.
I don't see why you can't just casually mention, in a how-was-your-day kind of way, the things that you did. Or just tell him you think it would be great for him to have a shorter commute, because then he could cook dinner. |
Anonymous
Why do I need help? Making a list seems like keeping score to me, and I'm not interested in changing the balance of chores so don't really need a list. I'm not interested in making an issue of it with my husband. Even if his commute was shorter, I would still do the cooking and the chore distribution would not change. I'm not unhappy with the distribution of chores, I just want him to "see" what I do - because he wouldn't notice if the floor went unmopped for 2 years or if the toilets never got cleaned, that sort of thing. |
Anonymous
| Talk to him. Tell him in a polite way that you felt his comment was inconsiderate because you don't actually have 90 extra minutes of freetime because of xyz. He sounds reasonable, so just explain the situation. |
Anonymous
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This issue is rather important OP, because if and when you decide to have children, your life will rapidly become hectic and you will start building resentment against your spouse if he has no clue about all the work you actually do! So before kids are in the picture you NEED to let him know, and understand. The best way for him to understand is to talk about it, let him see how long it takes you to clean etc, and finally to let him do a week of same and see how it feels. Then he'll be able to do it to, which is crucial if you are sick or otherwise unable to run the house. Communication is key. |
Anonymous
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Fair enough on the talk to him point. It's what I would be telling someone else who posted this too. I just feel like I don't want to make him feel bad about that comment or make an issue of it (which it wouldn't have to be, I know, but any time someone brings up something they've been stewing on, I feel like it makes the other person feel a little bad), because it totally was in the context of a different conversation and it truly was an innocent comment.
Right now we are not planning to have kids, we think we want to remain childfree. We will revisit the issue in a couple of years (I am 30). |
Cogiteur
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He takes you for granted, which, quite honestly, given what you've described, is easy for him to do. I'm not sure why you're okay with shouldering so much of the household burden, but if you do decide to have children, I really can't imagine you being able to sustain it. Not without becoming bitter and resentful, anyway. Your selflessness is admirable, but you are a wife, not a martyr, and obviously his taking you for granted is needling you. The only way for him to appreciate your contribution is, as has already been suggested, to have him experience it himself. My suggestion: Plan a long getaway by yourself, or with friends/family - long enough that he will need to do laundry, cook, clean, and see what happens. Don't give him a list. Don't give him an orientation. Just go. He'll either rise to the occasion and realize all that you do, or the ensuing disaster will be the catalyst you need to spur a discussion without, hopefully, sparking a confrontation. |
Anonymous
+1000. Resentment seems to be a major theme in this forum and after reading several DWs remark on various threads that they split with the DHs over the mounting resentment - that was enough to get my ass in gear and actually talk to my husband about how much I do, and how he needs to acknowledge that (and help out more, but you say you're not looking for more help). He said I was absolutely right, like a lightbulb went off above his head, and he's been doing more without me asking him to for a couple weeks. Here's hoping it sticks overall, and if it doesn't I'll know to have the conversation as Imm having those feelings of resentment. Point being OP, you need to talk to him. |
Anonymous
| Why do you want him to know? What do you want him to do with that information? You say he's appreciative. You say you're fine with the division of labor, that he'll do anything asked. So what more do you want from him exactly? |
Anonymous
| OP: I get you, I am guilty of the same. I don't complain or talk about how much I do, sometimes people need to see/experience how stuff gets done. Now I do bring to my DH's attention how everything is getting done magically. |
Anonymous
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You know what would make him clearly see all that you do OP? If you stopped doing what you do for a few days..or perhaps even a week.
Sometimes that is what it takes for other people to appreciate all that another one does. People tend to take certain things for granted, I attribute it to just plain human nature, etc. They don't think much about the status quo. But if the person who is doing everything stops doing everything suddenly, then the other person will see clearly how much the other person actually does. (Sorry if this makes anyone dizzy. Not my intent.) |
Anonymous
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I just read my posting.
It reads like a Dr. Suess story. Lol. |
Anonymous
| What did you say in the moment? It seems like this could have been worked out far more easily and with fewer bad feelings if you'd simply said in response, "It's not free time, it's the time I spend doing all of the housework and cooking so that you don't have to deal with it when you get home. It's still work." |
Anonymous
| I think everyone feels that they do more than their spouse. My question is why do you need him to understand it? Nobody can ever really understand what another person does all day. He made a comment, it wasn't malicious. Instead of trying to figure out how to get him to understand all that you do, simply ask him to do a task that you don't have time for. |
Anonymous
| OP here - I very politely & calmly discussed this with DH last night at dinner. I just pointed out that while I'm happy taking care of the home and I'm happy I can give him a good quality of life, I wanted to make sure he realized how much I was doing that he didn't see. He was also calm & polite in return, and while he did say he thought I was taking the "extra hour and a half free" out of context, he also agreed he might not realize how often laundry has to be done, bathrooms are cleaned, etc. He had meant that I had an extra hour and a half "unscheduled" where I could do a variety of different things with the time, versus his time is specifically committed to a commute. Which is fair. It was a good discussion, I was able to get it off my chest and let it go. Thanks for the encouragement. |