Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am sorry if other black women find my post distasteful but this is how I feel. If we were to compare ourselves, many of you AA women have probably done more to appear white and be accepted by white society than me (if I have even done this at all). I wear my hair natural, have never bleached my skin or hair to a lighter color and have never worn a weave. Because my father is not from this country, I have no ancestors on his side who were slaves, so I know everything about my heritage on that side of the family and am very proud of my ethnicity. However, I relate more to, have more in common with and feel more comfortable around white American women than AA women. I am not sure why my perception about MYSELF offends you.

Now I am really confused. Your family is not African American, you husband is not AA, I'm guessing you have been exposed to many other cultures within the black diaspora but yet you are white because you don't connect with stereotypical or negative African American behaviors/experiences? You realize this is an extremely faulty way of thinking. It's okay to say you don't connect with a subset of AAs, but what does that have to do with being black? Is your husband not black because he isn't like the AAs you went to school with? How about your parents? Another question, when you meet other black women who share your SES, similar background, experiences and consequences, do you say they are really white women?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Black woman here and I find something distasteful in your posts, OP. Not sure what it is, but...not cute.

+1 I'm an aa woman who also went to private school, grew up in a white neighborhood, listen to alt/pop/rock and hip hop in equal measure, and have some 'nerdy' interests. Yet I would never dream of characterizing myself the way OP does.

+1 To you both.

eh. +1 to the OP for rejecting aspects of the culture that seems to glorify destructive choices.

OP is not at all unique, that is what I think she doesn't understand. There are plenty of aa women who don't embody the negative stereotypes that we are inundated with. We are everywhere, except on reality tv of course.

Exactly!

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Black woman here and I find something distasteful in your posts, OP. Not sure what it is, but...not cute.

+1 I'm an aa woman who also went to private school, grew up in a white neighborhood, listen to alt/pop/rock and hip hop in equal measure, and have some 'nerdy' interests. Yet I would never dream of characterizing myself the way OP does.

+1 To you both.

eh. +1 to the OP for rejecting aspects of the culture that seems to glorify destructive choices.

OP has not once discussed the destructive choices that are problematic for the AA community, she has only labelled herself white because she gets along with white people? Does that actually make sense? I am not AA, I do not glorify any destructive choices of ANY community. I share almost nothing with AA culture, I am who I am and capable of having my own identity. I also am broad minded enough to not make generalizations that if OP is not embodying ignorant stereotypes that she is a white.


I am upper middle class, married to a white man and raising a multiracial daughter, and share a lot with OP on interests and environment. I still don't understand her. It just seems silly. I'm waiting to hear if there is something deeper compelling her to see herself the way she does, behind these superficial examples.

I'm not OP. But I do have a question, if you really "share nothing with AA culture", then do you not identify with any culture? Any at all? That seems self-denying to me. There are people you hang out with, people who share the same quirks and likes as you. That is, by definition, their culture. Are there no group of people who have the same little tastes (in food, music, sports, discussion topics, etc) that you feel you belong to? At least OP does feel a part of a culture, even if it is not the one we would guess she would feel a part of due to her appearance. I think she is very honest to admit this to herself.

I identify as black, as mixed race, with elements of my Indian culture with elements of my Latina culture. I do not identify with AA culture because I am not AA. I do not share anything with AA culture because the cultures I was raised with are nothing like AA culture, not sure how that is self denying. My point is being smart, middle class, liking pop or being nerdy has nothing to do with being black or white. You said that your quirks are the definition of your culture, well that is wrong I'm afraid, that is the definition of your personality. And the personalities can be found in many different races. I am black, I identify as such without embodying anything that people believe to be stereotypically AA.

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Black woman here and I find something distasteful in your posts, OP. Not sure what it is, but...not cute.

+1 I'm an aa woman who also went to private school, grew up in a white neighborhood, listen to alt/pop/rock and hip hop in equal measure, and have some 'nerdy' interests. Yet I would never dream of characterizing myself the way OP does.

+1 To you both.

eh. +1 to the OP for rejecting aspects of the culture that seems to glorify destructive choices.

OP has not once discussed the destructive choices that are problematic for the AA community, she has only labelled herself white because she gets along with white people? Does that actually make sense? I am not AA, I do not glorify any destructive choices of ANY community. I share almost nothing with AA culture, I am who I am and capable of having my own identity. I also am broad minded enough to not make generalizations that if OP is not embodying ignorant stereotypes that she is a white.


I am upper middle class, married to a white man and raising a multiracial daughter, and share a lot with OP on interests and environment. I still don't understand her. It just seems silly. I'm waiting to hear if there is something deeper compelling her to see herself the way she does, behind these superficial examples.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Black woman here and I find something distasteful in your posts, OP. Not sure what it is, but...not cute.

+1 I'm an aa woman who also went to private school, grew up in a white neighborhood, listen to alt/pop/rock and hip hop in equal measure, and have some 'nerdy' interests. Yet I would never dream of characterizing myself the way OP does.

+1 To you both.

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:OP I'm not understanding what you mean by being a white woman trapped in a black woman's body. Nothing you have said so far is attributed to either race. Clarify what specifically is it that makes you not black? The type of music you listen to, the neighborhood you live in, nor who you socialize other make you black or white in the way you've described.

I am a mixed race immigrant, I mostly identify as black, I live in a white neighborhood, have mostly white friends, am a nerd, didn't fit in with AA when I first moved here, etc., the list goes on. I have never felt like I was a white woman trapped in a black woman's body. It sounds like you are stereotyping yourself, it sounds really strange. Be careful what you're teaching your daughter, you shouldn't make your identity based on whether you like pop music or hip hop...

Maybe because you are a black immigrant.

Elaborate

How long have you been in the US? Do you view AAs differently from immigrant blacks? OP is AA because she was born and raised here but she doesn't fit in with that group. But as a mixed race immigrant, you do not have that commonality with AAs and your identity probably was formed before you got here.

I came here as a pre-teen. I don't think my identity was formed prior to. I have majority white friends as a product of where I went to school and where I live. I still identify as black inside and out. I don't have commonality with people from the same region as me sometimes, I don't have commonality with many immigrant blacks from other regions too, specifically African ones. I don't view people differently based on what group, I see stark differences within immigrant groups and within the AA community. What I am saying is because you don't fit a stereotype, that doesn't make you white, it's called not fitting a stereotype. I just don't understand why any of the characteristics listed means you are white, I have many AA friends who share my interests and some who don't really. I don't identify myself as white because some of my white friends are nerds or any other reason. That sounds like someone who literally sees in black and white and put people into boxes. Even in your response you are saying all AAs are the same. Likewise OP is stereotyping herself, no one has to do it for her.

Like the question above, sprinkled with white people, mostly black. If you don't know anyone there why in the world would that make you decide who to speak to based on their skin tone? I would talk to any and all and I'm sure there would be awesome convo or assholes in both groups.

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:OP I'm not understanding what you mean by being a white woman trapped in a black woman's body. Nothing you have said so far is attributed to either race. Clarify what specifically is it that makes you not black? The type of music you listen to, the neighborhood you live in, nor who you socialize other make you black or white in the way you've described.

I am a mixed race immigrant, I mostly identify as black, I live in a white neighborhood, have mostly white friends, am a nerd, didn't fit in with AA when I first moved here, etc., the list goes on. I have never felt like I was a white woman trapped in a black woman's body. It sounds like you are stereotyping yourself, it sounds really strange. Be careful what you're teaching your daughter, you shouldn't make your identity based on whether you like pop music or hip hop...

Maybe because you are a black immigrant.

Elaborate

OP I'm not understanding what you mean by being a white woman trapped in a black woman's body. Nothing you have said so far is attributed to either race. Clarify what specifically is it that makes you not black? The type of music you listen to, the neighborhood you live in, nor who you socialize other make you black or white in the way you've described.

I am a mixed race immigrant, I mostly identify as black, I live in a white neighborhood, have mostly white friends, am a nerd, didn't fit in with AA when I first moved here, etc., the list goes on. I have never felt like I was a white woman trapped in a black woman's body. It sounds like you are stereotyping yourself, it sounds really strange. Be careful what you're teaching your daughter, you shouldn't make your identity based on whether you like pop music or hip hop...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, initial attraction dwindles. That's just a fact of life. People either accept it or seek sttraction elsewhere just to see it dwindle away. Decide what's important to you and pick your poison. Very few, if any, get to have it all.

Initial attraction wanes. But that's too simplistic. You have to understand what your spouse finds attractive - like really attractive - not just what they think make good qualities in a person. You have to work on maintaining or reviving those attractive qualities in yourself. And you have to work on seeing those qualities you find attractive in your spouse.

I agree. It's insufficient to say well there are phases, take a backseat, wait it out. We have to target the things that aren't working and actively change them. Relationships are dynamic, attraction is dynamic. OP just needs to figure out the core and where to work his angle. I'm sure most of us are married to our best friends, but doesn't mean our marriage should shift into a platonic dwelling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of all the kids who have stayed with you -- what has been the average length of stay? Are we talking 2 weeks or 6 months? And how long of a break do you take between foster kids or do you always have one?

Sorry but I'm just not getting why someone with your own young kids would do this. You say you work part time, DH works full time, and you have 2 young kids. Aren't you going to look back in 10 or 15 years and feel like you missed out on your own kids' childhoods or skipped the opportunity to take your kids on certain outings or events because little Daquan who you never spoke to again was with your family for that 3 week period and you didn't want to spend the $$$ to take everyone on an outing but couldn't just leave him home with a sitter due to his emotional issues? Except that it won't be just 1 thing you skipped with your kids but dozens if not hundreds?

Wow.

What -- most of these kids are AA, but if it makes you feel better -- fine, we'll refer to little Aidan. The question still stands though -- aren't you going to regret the time, attention and resources taken away from your own kids?

It seems it makes you feel better if it was most AA

http://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/cb/data_brief_foster_care_trends1.pdf

Lmao I didn't know people do this! Now I'm going to try to figure out who is lying...

I haven't told anyone, my DH reads though so there's that. I still say whatever I would if he didn't, even when it's about him, have said, so far hasn't been a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Incognita wrote:I think OP is interesting. My best friend is a lesbian and I have many LGBT friends and what I've seen over the years is my bf's relationships have always been super dramatic, I was beginning to think it's the nature of female-female relationships.

OP are both you and your partner considered femmes? My friend is a femme and into doms she thinks they are worst than males, like they are over compensating to be masculine and don't share or want to show emotions and I can see that. Do you agree? Do you see a difference between femme femme relationships and femme dom relationships with your friends?

I don't really consider myself anything, and I don't think my wife does either. I guess if others were to label us we'd both be on the femme side, more so than butch. I don't think we are particularly super feminine women, but I wouldn't consider either of us at all stereotypically masculine. I think the labeling is more important when you are first coming out on the dating scene, they are all somewhat retired terms imo. You will see older gay men label themselves bears or cubs, or lord knows what else but not so much the younger generations. In the past the gay community was very much it's own community with it's own lingo. As gay people, relationships and families have becoming more accepted and inclusive in mainstream society there really isn't a need for those terms anymore. I really find them quite silly. Do we have terms for different types of straight people? To an extent...but not as culturally important as they are (were) in the gay community.

That being said, I can totally understand where your friend is coming from unfortunately. I've known a handful of super butch women (not all) that were far more misogynist than any man I've ever met. I think it may be a testosterone issue? I don't know. I don't have any friends like that because I tend to avoid assholes...regardless of gender or sexual orientation. I do have lesbian friends who could be identified as butch or androgynous...but there look doesn't match up with their attitude.

That's interesting, I go to a lot of events and parties with them and they use labels for EVERYONE, I thought that was normal. We are all 23-29 though, maybe it's the age group? Idk, anyways thanks for the perspective!

I feel like I went through this phase with my DH, he could have written this a while ago. In all honesty I really can't say there was anything he did one day that effectively changed it, it was more of what I changed about my perspective of things. It's hard to give advice for this type of situation because we don't know exactly what is wrong or has changed for your wife. I will say, now that I think about it some things that helped my situation was my husband gaining confidence. He started going to the gym, dressing differently, changed his attitude from being kind of like a lost pup holding onto my leg to a more confident man. Of course the loss of attraction is what made him needy in the first place I guess, but when he flipped it around I started wanting him more.
So much happened that I'm not sure what cause had what effect, but confidence was a huge deal.

How is her self esteem? Her lack of attraction for you could be because she, herself doesn't feel sexy. Or it could be that she has great self esteem and feeling like you aren't as attractive? Not trying to be offensive, it's just that it could go either way. What's it like when you do have sex? Or even without sex, your naked body, how do you think she feels about it? I remember my DH saying something like I don't even look at him when he is naked, and it made him feel like shit because when he saw me naked he would instantly be turned on. If it is something like physical attraction then I think that is the easiest to change. Emotional, you're going to have to dig deeper into this and perhaps try counseling.

I think OP is interesting. My best friend is a lesbian and I have many LGBT friends and what I've seen over the years is my bf's relationships have always been super dramatic, I was beginning to think it's the nature of female-female relationships.

OP are both you and your partner considered femmes? My friend is a femme and into doms she thinks they are worst than males, like they are over compensating to be masculine and don't share or want to show emotions and I can see that. Do you agree? Do you see a difference between femme femme relationships and femme dom relationships with your friends?

OP trying to punish your DH for this is a very bad call. You should calm down first, then have a talk and express what you have tried to express here, the sentiment of it all is important to you. Yes it's a new found desire to have it but that's how you feel. I think you should take one of the pp's advice on discussing it and choosing something together. I also believe making strict requirements that this ring must be $10k in order to prove his love to you is silly. You shouldn't be looking for him to make some financial sacrifice (bite the bullet) just for it to mean something to you.

I'm also getting the feeling that there is extrinsic motivation for the price tag, hope that's not the case...