"Engagement" ring years after the fact? Yay or nay?
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Anonymous
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DH and I got married over 15 years ago when we were both grad students, and dirt poor. He proposed with no ring, over a couple of beers, I said yes, we both giggled like a couple of kids (which we were), and now we both have jobs, 2 kids, a mortgage, a dog, a cat, the whole nine yards of a stable marriage.
I do not stand much on tradition and I never had a ring, and it didn't occur to me for years to make any issue, but lately, it's been bugging me. Like, really bugging me. I guess it bothers me that it never occurred to DH to feel bad or grateful I agreed to marry him while dispensing with a seeming ironclad engagement ritual. I mean, no one I know got married without a ring. Some are small, some are big, some are inherited and some are purchased at jewelry stores, but all are some sort of gemstone set in a precious metal, and the man got it. I asked him to get me a ring, and the first words he said were, "uhh, how much are you expecting to spend?" It made me mad. I mean, we can afford a ring now, dammit. DH doesn't feel bad at all! If it were me in his shoes, I might have have gotten married on a shoestring budget if times called for it, but I would make it up to my spouse years later if it seemed important, and not nickle-and-dime even then. Am I justified in finally wanting a real diamond ring? DH has never purchased any jewelry for me that cost more than $15, and I only buy costume jewelry for myself, so I am not dripping in diamonds and pearls. It would be my one piece of really fine jewelry. I want a brilliant cut diamond solitaire ring at least a carat-and-a-half, set in white or yellow gold. It will probably cost between $5,000 and $10,000. It's not something I would ever buy for myself. And I am really angry at DH for dragging his feet. Am I being irrational or is DH a cheapskate, insensitive jerk? |
Anonymous
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You're being irrational. Yes, you should get your ring. But your DH isn't being a cheapskate or a jerk unless there's more to the story than what you have said. You haven't made a big deal out of a ring for 15 years, and now all of a sudden, it's suddenly so important to you? You can't exactly fault DH for not jumping up and throwing down $5-10k on a ring. Go pick one out together.
You probably won't be surprised to hear that I got married without a ring, and when I did get one, I initiated the whole process. Not my husband. I probably still wouldn't have one if I had waited for him to get around to it! |
Anonymous
| I'm with you! I don't think you are being irrational at all. I think he should get you a beautiful ring. But your post conveys more than that. It's not just that you want the ring. You want him to WANT to buy it for you. I bet he loves you very much, but doesn't fully understand the meaning and emotion it has for you. Make sure he knows and that you convey it in a kind way. |
Anonymous
| Ehhh it is 15 years later. Get a ring, sure, but not 5-10 k. Spend a couple thousand and call it a day. Pick it out yourself because you know your ass will be picky if he picks it out. |
Anonymous
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OP, it would be really helpful if you could tell us how the rest of the conversation went down.
Did you show DH the ring you wanted and tell him how much it cost? What was his response? If you think he's "dragging his feet" and you have plenty of money, why not just buy it for yourself? |
Anonymous
OK. A voice of reason. It's true, I haven't made a big deal out of it all these years. He has tentatively suggested we go pick one out together after his "how much is this going to cost?" comment, but I have chosen to not get a ring and stew instead (I think I told him "I don't want a ring under these circumstances! I'm henpecking you into it! No thanks!"). I guess I wanted it for my 15th anniversary, and for the holidays, and I wanted him to read my mind. I got a pizza pie oven plate instead. He likes pizza. *sigh* |
Anonymous
Yes, you are absolutely right. You read my mind. Thank you. |
Anonymous
This is OP. No. I don't want a "couple thousand" ring. This isn't a random birthday present, and he's not that poor student loaded down with school debt anymore. Like heck I'm letting him get away with a $2,000 ring as token of our marriage. I'd rather not have a ring at all. |
Anonymous
I told him I would want a ring, after all these years. I mentioned this on several occasions. Finally, he said ok. Then, he looked up and said "uhhh, how much are you thinking of spending?" Mind you, I have already asked him on several occasions that it would be nice to maybe have a ring? It wouldn't break our piggy bank how. When he made that comment, I just clammed up. I've been sort of mad ever since (think banging pots, no making coffee for his inconsiderate bum, etc.). I can't buy it for myself because it's too expensive! I want HIM to bite the bullet and buy it for me. I buy nice things for him all the time! Not $5,000 nice, but if he makes a stray comment of "ohh, it would be nice to have that," I make a note of it and the next gift-giving occasion, there it is! And if wanted something that costs that much, and it was really once or twice a lifetime thing, you betcha I would get it for him. Just the look of surprise on his face would make it worthwhile. My DH is cheap!!! |
Anonymous
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I say get a $15k ring. One for every year of holy matrimony.
Seriously. |
Anonymous
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Maybe carve away $$$ from the fund you use for the nice big gifts you get him. By your 20th anniversary, you can have your own custom ring that "he" bought for you.
You've been married long enough... You know how this works. He is not going to want to spend money on a ring now. He is over it. |
Anonymous
This is OP. Yeah, well, that very thought makes me boiling mad. He can have his ringless marriage, then, but it will also be "--less" in other ways too. |
Anonymous
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If you can afford the diamond, buy it. If not, get a knock off cubic zirconia. But I suspect that the ring is not the problem.
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Anonymous
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Go pick out the ring with him. You'll be surprised how many couples do that. I did that when I was shopping with my then boyfriend for an engagement ring and you will be surprised how many couples do it together and not leave it up to chance. I discussed the price with my boyfriend and agreed on an amount to spend. Not all engagement ring is this grand surprise. So give him a budget, show him what you want then ask him to make it special like take you out to dinner.
I also got a pair of diamond earrings this holidays. The only reason I got it is because I picked it out, showed my husband, and told it I wanted it as a gift. Otherwise I would get flowers from the Grocery store or bupkiss. |
Incognita
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OP trying to punish your DH for this is a very bad call. You should calm down first, then have a talk and express what you have tried to express here, the sentiment of it all is important to you. Yes it's a new found desire to have it but that's how you feel. I think you should take one of the pp's advice on discussing it and choosing something together. I also believe making strict requirements that this ring must be $10k in order to prove his love to you is silly. You shouldn't be looking for him to make some financial sacrifice (bite the bullet) just for it to mean something to you.
I'm also getting the feeling that there is extrinsic motivation for the price tag, hope that's not the case... |