DW is not interested in me - Need advice
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Anonymous
| This reality took some time to sink in. We have talked for a while now and I have expressed concern that we seem to be drifting apart. We were once obviously in love with each other and tried to maximize our time together. We have four children (the youngest is in 4th grade) and we have always been awesome parents together - sharing the load and supporting each other. At the same time, we used to always make sure to "leave something on the table" for just the two of us. It was an obvious priority of ours. We are still fantastic parents, but our love life is on the rocks. Now, it's notable if we have a decent evening of conversation and intimacy. We struggle with things we never dealt with before like what is considered quality time, what is intimacy, how often it does/doesn't happen, and my feeling lonely in our marriage. I love my wife so much. She is an amazing mother and I've referred to her as my best friend. She really is. The problem is that I need a wife right now. But it seems like she is somewhere else. I think she swears otherwise and for a little while she tries, but she clearly is not interested in me. It hurts to admit that - but it's true. I have been trying to come up with distractions and other interests in an effort to stifle the reality, but nothing really seems to be working. Need advice, please. |
Anonymous
| You sound like you could be my DH, except we have one kid. I love my DH as a best friend and dad to our son, but I'm no longer attracted to him. I wish I had advice for you. |
Anonymous
What happened? Why are you no longer attracted to him? |
Anonymous
| having 4 kids takes it's toll |
Anonymous
Disagree. |
Anonymous
Convey this to her, let her know you're lonely, and ask her if she'll go to couple's counseling with you. It may be that you need to give her space and freedom for a period of time before she can come back to you. She may need a regular time and space for herself. You may even want to consider opening your marriage. But this will probably be easier to discuss within the safe, dedicated time & space of a counseling session, rather than trying to tackle these conversations on your own, in the midst of the chaos of family life with 4 kids. |
Anonymous
Your simplistic response makes no sense - as a previous poster indicates she is the same place as OP, except she has one child. |
Incognita
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I feel like I went through this phase with my DH, he could have written this a while ago. In all honesty I really can't say there was anything he did one day that effectively changed it, it was more of what I changed about my perspective of things. It's hard to give advice for this type of situation because we don't know exactly what is wrong or has changed for your wife. I will say, now that I think about it some things that helped my situation was my husband gaining confidence. He started going to the gym, dressing differently, changed his attitude from being kind of like a lost pup holding onto my leg to a more confident man. Of course the loss of attraction is what made him needy in the first place I guess, but when he flipped it around I started wanting him more.
So much happened that I'm not sure what cause had what effect, but confidence was a huge deal. How is her self esteem? Her lack of attraction for you could be because she, herself doesn't feel sexy. Or it could be that she has great self esteem and feeling like you aren't as attractive? Not trying to be offensive, it's just that it could go either way. What's it like when you do have sex? Or even without sex, your naked body, how do you think she feels about it? I remember my DH saying something like I don't even look at him when he is naked, and it made him feel like shit because when he saw me naked he would instantly be turned on. If it is something like physical attraction then I think that is the easiest to change. Emotional, you're going to have to dig deeper into this and perhaps try counseling. |
Anonymous
Then I'll say it louder 4 KIDS TAKES IT'S TOLL. |
Anonymous
| Ride the wave. This might just be a rough patch for you guys. I was completely turned off of my husband for 2 years. He would make my skin crawl. Come to find out he was in a very bad depression. He was able to change his circumstances and we slowly got better. Tell her you miss her and that you are there waiting for her to come back to you. Do your research. Keep trying to make her smile. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| ^^PP here. We have 2 kids. Yes he was sad and whiney and that was a complete turn off. When he got to a better place, his whole outlook on life changed. |
Anonymous
| Find a couples counselor who does imago therapy. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Then that'll make you loud and WRONG. 
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Anonymous
I can't believe people would even argue this point. Do they think children are birthed and raised by robots and the mom spends all day shopping? |
Anonymous
I can believe it. OP is clear that there are no parenting challenges - not ALL parents struggle when they have 2+ kids. I've seen parents hit the wall with 1 child, and other parents with 3+ make it look like they have been chilling at the mall all day. You can't use a broad-brush on everyone. Period. |