How to handle SIL's concerns/feelings (a topic involving race)

[Anonymous]

My brother and sister-in-law live in LA. My parents live in VA. They haven't visited my parents in 4+ years due to many factors, most being the pandemic and before that, other scheduling conflicts.

My parents have visited them.

My SIL just told my mom and me that most uncomfortable anywhere she goes is in my parents' town. She feels out of place due to my parents' social circle and neighborhood (95% White and upper middle class). My SIL is of Korean descent and grew up in a blue collar working family. My parents do not live in a small town but rather a large-ish city, but I think that's irrelvant. SIL feels how she feels, regardless of any of the factors.

As a family unit, we are unsure what to do here. Is the only option that my parents (and me and my family) visit them and never expect them to visit us here in our hometown? And, if my brother wants to visit, then he is free to with or without her and with or without their son? I want to be super sensitive to this and of course, we don't want to force her or guilt her or anything else negative to get her to visit here.. It is sad to us that she feels like that, but I understand it and could see myself feeling similarly if I were the only person of color. Obviously these are choices for her to make, but it seemed like in our conversation that she wanted some sort of resolution or solution to this, and so when I talk to her again, I'm trying to think of what to say. I can only see one solution, honestly, and that's to visit them in CA?

[Anonymous]

It is likely your family, and not your town or neighborhood, that make your sister in law feel uncomfortable. I am Asian and I feel very uncomfortable being around my husband’s white supremes family that I have come to realize early on are prejudice against all non-white races. I have dated other white men and never felt this way around their families. Yes, I do regret marrying into this family and I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister in law feels the same way. Mine was a shotgun wedding.

If you really do care about your sister in law’s feelings, then you would do whatever you can to make her feel comfortable visiting you in Virginia. You would never speak down about any non-white races with her present. You would never suggest your brother visit without her. Doing so may give assumptions that your family is ashamed for her to visit you.

[Anonymous]

Is she asking for your consent for them never to visit your parents? Or is she just telling you how she feels? Rather than look for a "solution," I'd ask whether there are things that you or your parents are doing that are making her feel like an outsider (either ask her, or ask your brother) that you could change. And then listen, without being defensive or rushing to justify your behavior. If there's really nothing you are doing, then I'd think that they could visit sometimes, but that most visits would be either in California or in a "neutral" location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is likely your family, and not your town or neighborhood, that make your sister in law feel uncomfortable. I am Asian and I feel very uncomfortable being around my husband’s white supremes family that I have come to realize early on are prejudice against all non-white races. I have dated other white men and never felt this way around their families. Yes, I do regret marrying into this family and I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister in law feels the same way. Mine was a shotgun wedding.

If you really do care about your sister in law’s feelings, then you would do whatever you can to make her feel comfortable visiting you in Virginia. You would never speak down about any non-white races with her present. You would never suggest your brother visit without her. Doing so may give assumptions that your family is ashamed for her to visit you.

Thank you for your insight. I am not sure what to do to make her comfortable? I mean, these are bare minimum expectations - but to be clear, we don't listen to Fox News, we don't listen to right-wing radio, we all abhor Trump, my husband is not a White person, my children are not White, and everyone openly supports social justice movements and efforts with both their time, their money, and their jobs (I work in the social justice field, as does my Mom). These alone do not make us anti-racist, but they do mean that we are aware of some of the issues, are trying to educate ourselves, and trying to be better and to raise our children better.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that of COURSE we want her to feel comfortable, and we respect her feelings. Then I'd ask if there's anything we can do to help her feel more comfortable visiting? Then go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking for your consent for them never to visit your parents? Or is she just telling you how she feels? Rather than look for a "solution," I'd ask whether there are things that you or your parents are doing that are making her feel like an outsider (either ask her, or ask your brother) that you could change. And then listen, without being defensive or rushing to justify your behavior. If there's really nothing you are doing, then I'd think that they could visit sometimes, but that most visits would be either in California or in a "neutral" location.

OP here. This makes sense. I worry that she won't feel comfortable telling us what we do that makes her uncomfortable directly, so perhaps my brother would.

[Anonymous]

I lived in a town (briefly, for law school) where I got some stares and had a few racist encounters. It was fine for me, but when my grandparents visited, the way people treated us was so much worse. (I'm guessing it was the way they dress.)

If she says it's the town, I see no reason not to believe her. Maybe you could ask her what the solution might be? Yes, on you visiting them more or even meeting in a third city (perhaps vacation together). But, perhaps she'd be ok with the occasional visit to your parents town if you stayed closer to home? Ordered in, family movie night, spent time together in nature, etc.

[Anonymous]

This is odd to me as a Black person married to a White person. OP, is your DH Black?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's just a racist. They come in all colors.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH is not Black.

[Anonymous]

Where in VA? Like southern rural VA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is likely your family, and not your town or neighborhood, that make your sister in law feel uncomfortable. I am Asian and I feel very uncomfortable being around my husband’s white supremes family that I have come to realize early on are prejudice against all non-white races. I have dated other white men and never felt this way around their families. Yes, I do regret marrying into this family and I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister in law feels the same way. Mine was a shotgun wedding.

If you really do care about your sister in law’s feelings, then you would do whatever you can to make her feel comfortable visiting you in Virginia. You would never speak down about any non-white races with her present. You would never suggest your brother visit without her. Doing so may give assumptions that your family is ashamed for her to visit you.

Thank you for your insight. I am not sure what to do to make her comfortable? I mean, these are bare minimum expectations - but to be clear, we don't listen to Fox News, we don't listen to right-wing radio, we all abhor Trump, my husband is not a White person, my children are not White, and everyone openly supports social justice movements and efforts with both their time, their money, and their jobs (I work in the social justice field, as does my Mom). These alone do not make us anti-racist, but they do mean that we are aware of some of the issues, are trying to educate ourselves, and trying to be better and to raise our children better.

It is good to know that your family are not far-right wing supporters since I feel many are white supremacist like my in-laws. What race is your husband and how long have you known your sister-in-law? You should try to spend more time to get to know her, phone calls etc. She may be very shy and lack self esteem.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Husband is Hispanic. SIL does not appear on Facetime calls or any other phone calls. She is around, but she is not present on the screen and will just call out a Hello when I/my parents say Hello to her directly. There is literally no way to get to know her. Even when we are together, she asks no questions, does not respond to questions other than one word answers, etc. The fact that she communicated that she is uncomfortable in our town is stunning given her typical quiet nature.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is ridiculous and she should get over herself.

My Asian, blue-collar origin father had no problems visiting my White, aristocratic mother's family castle in Europe, and visit rural pockets of her home country where no one had ever seen an Asian man, literally (this was in the 1970s). Some people he met stared and asked all kinds of "interesting" questions. When my oldest cousin first met him (at 5 yo), he immediately pulled his eye corners to form slits. When my mother first traveled to Asia to meet her ILs, my father's 5 yo niece pushed her eye corners in, to make her eyes rounder

This is where self-confidence and taking things at face value count for a lot. Your SIL cannot develop these useful traits if she does not practice once in a while. It's not like she's going to Afghanistan or South Sudan, is it? She won't be killed on a street corner. Realistically, all she will have are stares, most of which will just be curious, not hostile. There is a possibility she may be confronted with an Asian-hater, but you know what? In my uber-liberal, international, educated town of Bethesda, there was an anti-Asian incident a few months ago. Some old white man started yelling at an Asian woman. That sort of thing can happen anywhere, just because there are insane people everywhere.

Your SIL can make the effort once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is Hispanic. SIL does not appear on Facetime calls or any other phone calls. She is around, but she is not present on the screen and will just call out a Hello when I/my parents say Hello to her directly. There is literally no way to get to know her. Even when we are together, she asks no questions, does not respond to questions other than one word answers, etc. The fact that she communicated that she is uncomfortable in our town is stunning given her typical quiet nature.

Makes me think there's something different going on. She may be suffering from generalized severe anxiety.