How to handle SIL's concerns/feelings (a topic involving race)

[Anonymous]

Asian here. The more you post, the less genuinely concerned you seem and it reads more and more like a veiled attempt to criticize her. Have you talked to your brother about how best to approach her concerns? He's your best bet, not dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is crazy and tries to alienate your brother from his family of origin. Meghan Markle syndrome

Trumper Karen started posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is likely your family, and not your town or neighborhood, that make your sister in law feel uncomfortable. I am Asian and I feel very uncomfortable being around my husband’s white supremes family that I have come to realize early on are prejudice against all non-white races. I have dated other white men and never felt this way around their families. Yes, I do regret marrying into this family and I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister in law feels the same way. Mine was a shotgun wedding.

If you really do care about your sister in law’s feelings, then you would do whatever you can to make her feel comfortable visiting you in Virginia. You would never speak down about any non-white races with her present. You would never suggest your brother visit without her. Doing so may give assumptions that your family is ashamed for her to visit you.

Thank you for your insight. I am not sure what to do to make her comfortable? I mean, these are bare minimum expectations - but to be clear, we don't listen to Fox News, we don't listen to right-wing radio, we all abhor Trump, my husband is not a White person, my children are not White, and everyone openly supports social justice movements and efforts with both their time, their money, and their jobs (I work in the social justice field, as does my Mom). These alone do not make us anti-racist, but they do mean that we are aware of some of the issues, are trying to educate ourselves, and trying to be better and to raise our children better.

You sound nuts. You don’t invite others while she is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pp. I also say that as someone who is south Asian and married into a white family... Luckily all my inlaws are genuinely warm and not racist. If I was feeling othered in their town and I told them, they would feel sadness with me.

What the OP is feeling is not that. She is feeling inconvenienced and also slightly offended and defensive at the thought that her parents city (and family!) might have some racist undertones going on.

I definitely get the “I am a white liberal social justice ally — how is it possible she doesn’t love us!” Vibe from this.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, doesn't sound like OP and her family has engaged in any truly racist behavior. Perhaps an unintended comment that could be misunderstood at most. I don't think that anything she has said justifies SIL and her husband from not visiting or engaging with OP or her parents. I do agree that OP needs to have a conversation with her brother. I suspect that there are many reasons, primarily that SIL doesn't like OP and her family. I am not going to assume, however, that is because OP is a racist, just because she is white women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not listen to the naysayers. If your SIL is feeling that people are racists in your town, give her the benefit of doubt. If she is not regularly drama llama then imagine how hard it is for her to acknowledge the overt and covert racism that she is facing. That is the way to win her and let her know that you all are on her side.

My recommendation would be to continue to visit her, visit with them on neutral place like a destination vacation or cruise (if that is safe), and ask her input on how can you all make her feel safe to visit without pushing her. Tell her that she is in control of the decision and you all want her to feel loved, respected and welcome in whatever space she wants to be with your family.

OP here. i agree with you. Tricky part here is that any vacation spot I or my parents all nominate - cruise, resort, mountains, lake, snow, sun - she and my brother feel are too White and therefore uncomfortable. All they are willing to do is go to an urban environment - think Mexico City - which sounds great but is not really possible at this point due to the ages of the kids between us. Perhaps at a later date though.

I gotta say, OP, you do sound awfully white. I agree with your SIL about those vacations! I wouldn’t want to go on any of them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL needs to get over it. It is only a visit.

But Op, it is not your business to fix this

Those visits to bigoted places can be incredibly stressful. My father is a bigot. Just visiting him for an hour raises my blood pressure.

[Anonymous]

I would stop pressuring them to vacation with you. Give them space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also team SIL. The more I read the OPs posts, the more I think she knows the right things she is supposed to say, but she has no actual empathy for what her SIL is experiencing in these situations. She is only concerned about how it impacts her. If I were the SIL, I wouldn't want to spent my time with her, either.

Win win for op then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not listen to the naysayers. If your SIL is feeling that people are racists in your town, give her the benefit of doubt. If she is not regularly drama llama then imagine how hard it is for her to acknowledge the overt and covert racism that she is facing. That is the way to win her and let her know that you all are on her side.

My recommendation would be to continue to visit her, visit with them on neutral place like a destination vacation or cruise (if that is safe), and ask her input on how can you all make her feel safe to visit without pushing her. Tell her that she is in control of the decision and you all want her to feel loved, respected and welcome in whatever space she wants to be with your family.

OP here. i agree with you. Tricky part here is that any vacation spot I or my parents all nominate - cruise, resort, mountains, lake, snow, sun - she and my brother feel are too White and therefore uncomfortable. All they are willing to do is go to an urban environment - think Mexico City - which sounds great but is not really possible at this point due to the ages of the kids between us. Perhaps at a later date though.

I gotta say, OP, you do sound awfully white. I agree with your SIL about those vacations! I wouldn’t want to go on any of them either.

That because she is white.

[Anonymous]

What is your primary concern here, because I read your post several times and it keeps boiling down to “my SIL feels uncomfortable in my hometown so that means my brother and nephew should just visit without her, right?”

And if that is your question, you are wrong. You can visit CA, you can all go on vacations to places that aren’t your parents super white hometown, etc.

Now if your question is actually “I am mortified to find that my sister in law has been uncomfortable in our hometown FOR YEARS and we have only just started thinking about how to make her more comfortable. Can you make suggestions?” then you are on the right track toward solving an actual problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

OP here. Totally possible! I will say that I make a super big effort to ask her questions and also an effort to shut my mouth and be more quiet. And I get a big fat nothing - no answers, no questions back to me, no interest in the kids or baseball or the weather or whatever - just nothing. So, it is hard to keep trying, honestly, to be someone she prefers to be around.

PP here. I wonder if the white women I interact with think they’re making a “super big” effort too. Of course, I’m much more gracious than your SIL so I’m happy to ask them questions about themselves 24/7 since that’s they’re favorite topic of conversation. They just don’t get that they can reciprocate too. I think it’s just a white woman thing… they’re taught to be the center of attention

If you are looking for racists you may want to start with the mirror.

Anybody who calls out the problems with the majority race is racist now? Nope, this isn't how it works. You don't get to shut down the issues people bring up.

[Anonymous]

I think this poster is a SUPER big troll.

[Anonymous]

I married into a white Jewish family in CA and know what it is like to be seen but not heard. Everyone prides themselves on being liberal and not racist but it’s the comparisons that always serve to make me feel “other”. My MIL has commented on how fair her daughter is (“almost translucent!) and my “olive” skin. I was raised in Hawaii and no one ever said my skin was olive. DH’s nephew has always commented about how round-faced and chubby his biracial (Asian) cousin was as a baby. Their white friends and neighbors also make assumptions about where I’m from. I am always polite but I would rather be around people who truly get it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could suggest vacationing in NYC and/or Asia. There are some lovely kid friendly resorts in Asia and it sounds like you all have money