How to handle SIL's concerns/feelings (a topic involving race)

[Anonymous]

She don't like y'all.

[Anonymous]

I heard an interview with Lindy West, the author of Shrill, a few years ago where she said she was always bothered that some women of color didn't like her and would wring her hands over what she could do to make them like her because she was a perfectly fine non-racist white woman, WHY DIDN'T THEY LIKE HERRRRRRRRRR? And then she realized they didn't have to like her and frankly how she was going about trying to make them like her was making things worse. Did all white women like her? No.

All of this is to say, she doesn't like y'all and that is OK and as long as you are all polite and respectful no more is required.

[Anonymous]

I hated living in VA and definitely would not want to visit. I am also Asian from L.A. The only thing you can do is accept that she is uncomfortable and maybe ask her what can be done to make her feel more at home. But, plan on visiting them than them visiting you/your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. i agree with you. Tricky part here is that any vacation spot I or my parents all nominate - cruise, resort, mountains, lake, snow, sun - she and my brother feel are too White and therefore uncomfortable. All they are willing to do is go to an urban environment - think Mexico City - which sounds great but is not really possible at this point due to the ages of the kids between us. Perhaps at a later date though.

Here's a tip. Try going somewhere which is more liberal or more diverse in population. She's saying that she doesn't want to be the token non-white when trying to relax on a vacation. Having been in that situation, I can understand why some of these situations make her uncomfortable.

So, try suggesting a vacation in Hawaii or visiting someplace in Asia. Try suggesting places where being Asian is more the norm or at least not just an exception rather than places that are dominantly white.

After a visit to China where I looked much more like the general population and my Caucasian wife stood out as the racial exception, it helped enhance her understanding of how it feels to be the exception rather than the norm. Fortunately my wife already had a lot of experience of this before we met and married, but she said it helped her understand more some of the things we talk about from a different perspective. It sounds like OP could use some more of that type of perspective, as well.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is focused on the travel issue but the fact that she won't even interact with them on Zoom or in person when they ask her questions (rude) is more telling imho.

She doesn't want to be friends with you or your parents. Just give up. Be civil and polite but stop trying with her, it's never going to happen.

[Anonymous]

I am hapa as are my brothers and my fully Asian SIL says she feels uncomfortable at our house because we “act too white”… so she insists on having any family events where we want her to be present at her house or her parent’s. I’m not sure why my brother (who adores our parents and has always had a strong relationship with his siblings and extended family) put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and sister-in-law live in LA. My parents live in VA. They haven't visited my parents in 4+ years due to many factors, most being the pandemic and before that, other scheduling conflicts.

My parents have visited them.

My SIL just told my mom and me that most uncomfortable anywhere she goes is in my parents' town. She feels out of place due to my parents' social circle and neighborhood (95% White and upper middle class). My SIL is of Korean descent and grew up in a blue collar working family. My parents do not live in a small town but rather a large-ish city, but I think that's irrelvant. SIL feels how she feels, regardless of any of the factors.

As a family unit, we are unsure what to do here. Is the only option that my parents (and me and my family) visit them and never expect them to visit us here in our hometown? And, if my brother wants to visit, then he is free to with or without her and with or without their son? I want to be super sensitive to this and of course, we don't want to force her or guilt her or anything else negative to get her to visit here.. It is sad to us that she feels like that, but I understand it and could see myself feeling similarly if I were the only person of color. Obviously these are choices for her to make, but it seemed like in our conversation that she wanted some sort of resolution or solution to this, and so when I talk to her again, I'm trying to think of what to say. I can only see one solution, honestly, and that's to visit them in CA?

Is it a gated golf course community?

[Anonymous]

There is ... no way to get to know her

This is what SIL wants
No other details matter

SIL's "reasons" are excuses
Don't address them, because it isn't going to change anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pp. Talk to your brother. He may be able to figure out what she wants and whether she's looking for a solution or just venting.

+1
Talk to your brother, express your concern that SIL doesn't feel comfortable and you as a family want to remedy that. She might feel uncomfortable telling you what is wrong, but I doubt she will have a problem telling your brother. Plus, if you get defensive, it is easier to step back from that than if you unintentionally get defensive with SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is ... no way to get to know her

This is what SIL wants
No other details matter

SIL's "reasons" are excuses
Don't address them, because it isn't going to change anything

I know a woman who initially tried with her in laws. But in laws were ingrained in their ways, different from my friend's. So she just stopped going to see them once her kids were old enough and could go alone with her DH. 20 years later and she only goes for Christmas every other year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is ... no way to get to know her

This is what SIL wants
No other details matter

SIL's "reasons" are excuses
Don't address them, because it isn't going to change anything

I actually agree with this because I am the same way (not wanting to visit just because they are family, not wanting to talk on FaceTime etc) and I am Asian as well as my in laws lol. Not that they have offended me in a particular way or anything, I just don’t find the hassle worth it. You can perhaps suggest family vacations in places like Hawaii every few years that she might be interested in, but apart from that I’m pretty sure it’s all wasted time and effort. Ask your brother to bring the kids to see your parents once in a while when they’re older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She don't like y'all.

Yeah, this is pretty much it. The "your town is too white" thing is an excuse. Nobody is asking her to move there-- she doesn't have to like the town to visit for a couple of days and stay at her IL's house.

She doesn't like you and your brother is covering for her. Just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Listen, most all of us feel uncomfortable going to our in-laws’ homes. It’s just a compromise you have to make in marriage. She’s using race as a get out of jail free card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, most all of us feel uncomfortable going to our in-laws’ homes. It’s just a compromise you have to make in marriage. She’s using race as a get out of jail free card.

This may or may not be true, but either way, there's nothing the OP can do about it other accept the situation as it is.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a micromanaging person. What do you care if your parents never see your SIL????