How to handle SIL's concerns/feelings (a topic involving race)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

OP here. Totally possible! I will say that I make a super big effort to ask her questions and also an effort to shut my mouth and be more quiet. And I get a big fat nothing - no answers, no questions back to me, no interest in the kids or baseball or the weather or whatever - just nothing. So, it is hard to keep trying, honestly, to be someone she prefers to be around.

Super big? What? Just curious how old you are.

She clearly doesn't want to interact with you. You can ask your brother about it but then drop it.

[Anonymous]

This all sounds very LA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:POSTER 1 : OP, do not listen to the naysayers. If your SIL is feeling that people are racists in your town, give her the benefit of doubt. If she is not regularly drama llama then imagine how hard it is for her to acknowledge the overt and covert racism that she is facing. That is the way to win her and let her know that you all are on her side.

My recommendation would be to continue to visit her, visit with them on neutral place like a destination vacation or cruise (if that is safe), and ask her input on how can you all make her feel safe to visit without pushing her. Tell her that she is in control of the decision and you all want her to feel loved, respected and welcome in whatever space she wants to be with your family.

OP here. i agree with you. Tricky part here is that any vacation spot I or my parents all nominate - cruise, resort, mountains, lake, snow, sun - she and my brother feel are too White and therefore uncomfortable. All they are willing to do is go to an urban environment - think Mexico City - which sounds great but is not really possible at this point due to the ages of the kids between us. Perhaps at a later date though.

Now I think they are just being difficult. I can’t imagine there isn’t one place that will satisfy them that isn’t dangerous like Mexico City. Where do her Asian friends vacation? Gosh, that was a horrible sentence to have to write. Everyone I know who is black or Asian vacations at the same places as everyone else. I think you need to find out from your brother if you or your parents have offended her. You all definitely seem like you are trying.

I am POSTER 1 and I did not write the racist and tone deaf italicized drivel above. ^^

OP, This is the kind of mean b*itchy racist Karen* comment that makes your SIL feel attacked and judged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

OP here. Totally possible! I will say that I make a super big effort to ask her questions and also an effort to shut my mouth and be more quiet. And I get a big fat nothing - no answers, no questions back to me, no interest in the kids or baseball or the weather or whatever - just nothing. So, it is hard to keep trying, honestly, to be someone she prefers to be around.

PP here. I wonder if the white women I interact with think they’re making a “super big” effort too. Of course, I’m much more gracious than your SIL so I’m happy to ask them questions about themselves 24/7 since that’s they’re favorite topic of conversation. They just don’t get that they can reciprocate too. I think it’s just a white woman thing… they’re taught to be the center of attention

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Her sil can do whatever she wants. It isn't up to anyone else to tell her what she has to do. That is between sil and her husband.

Well said. SIL's husband also agrees with whatever SIL is saying, correct? He has kids who are biracial and he is also sensitive to the racism that his kids are facing. Good for him.

I find it very telling that SIL's DH (OP's brother) is cool with what SIL wants. The problem is therefore with the OP's family. They are at best tone deaf. And they are only trying to be accomodating because their brother/son is rightfully putting the feelings of his wife/kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is likely your family, and not your town or neighborhood, that make your sister in law feel uncomfortable. I am Asian and I feel very uncomfortable being around my husband’s white supremes family that I have come to realize early on are prejudice against all non-white races. I have dated other white men and never felt this way around their families. Yes, I do regret marrying into this family and I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister in law feels the same way. Mine was a shotgun wedding.

If you really do care about your sister in law’s feelings, then you would do whatever you can to make her feel comfortable visiting you in Virginia. You would never speak down about any non-white races with her present. You would never suggest your brother visit without her. Doing so may give assumptions that your family is ashamed for her to visit you.

Thank you for your insight. I am not sure what to do to make her comfortable? I mean, these are bare minimum expectations - but to be clear, we don't listen to Fox News, we don't listen to right-wing radio, we all abhor Trump, my husband is not a White person, my children are not White, and everyone openly supports social justice movements and efforts with both their time, their money, and their jobs (I work in the social justice field, as does my Mom). These alone do not make us anti-racist, but they do mean that we are aware of some of the issues, are trying to educate ourselves, and trying to be better and to raise our children better.

This issue isn’t your family. It IS the people that your family chooses to live among. Or at least some of them. And that can be very hard for all involved. Ultimately, your parents may decide that they value your SIL’s comfort more than the casual friendships with neighbors who stare at her or otherwise make her feel unwelcome. Or it might be that they wait until someone says something awful to your nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

OP here. Totally possible! I will say that I make a super big effort to ask her questions and also an effort to shut my mouth and be more quiet. And I get a big fat nothing - no answers, no questions back to me, no interest in the kids or baseball or the weather or whatever - just nothing. So, it is hard to keep trying, honestly, to be someone she prefers to be around.

PP here. I wonder if the white women I interact with think they’re making a “super big” effort too. Of course, I’m much more gracious than your SIL so I’m happy to ask them questions about themselves 24/7 since that’s they’re favorite topic of conversation. They just don’t get that they can reciprocate too. I think it’s just a white woman thing… they’re taught to be the center of attention

If you are looking for racists you may want to start with the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

OP here. Totally possible! I will say that I make a super big effort to ask her questions and also an effort to shut my mouth and be more quiet. And I get a big fat nothing - no answers, no questions back to me, no interest in the kids or baseball or the weather or whatever - just nothing. So, it is hard to keep trying, honestly, to be someone she prefers to be around.

PP here. I wonder if the white women I interact with think they’re making a “super big” effort too. Of course, I’m much more gracious than your SIL so I’m happy to ask them questions about themselves 24/7 since that’s they’re favorite topic of conversation. They just don’t get that they can reciprocate too. I think it’s just a white woman thing… they’re taught to be the center of attention

Gosh! DP here and I think you have hit the nail on the head. I have a white woman friend and she is always trying to lift me up by putting me down. I am her "token diversity" Asian-American friend and who fulfills the role of her White Woman's burden. She has an implicit entitlement of all good things coming her way in life because that's the way it has always been. She will Whitesplain what being American is all about.

When I ask her about herself, she is pretty happy and pours out all her concerns but her concerns are pretty much based on her own very narrow worldview. I am not doing all that much navel-grazing like her so I have nothing to share but platitude and sympathetic noises. She lives life with the assurance of being on top of the food chain and there is no question asked if I worry about the attacks on people who look like me.

[Anonymous]

I am Team SIL.

I have an Asian, 3rd generation, American DH and my mom always wonders why we don’t visit her Midwestern town more. Gee, mom, maybe because you make awkward over-the-top comments that you think are “welcoming” but are constantly making my family feel weird about DH and DD’s races? Maybe because all of the neighbors are convinced that DH is some kind of hired help and could not possibly be related to me, and you constantly tell us that like it’s funny? Maybe because when I ask where we should go to eat that’s good, you suggest a restaurant that your one token Asian acquaintance told you to go to 30 years ago? Maybe because my siblings and SILs and BILs have let their families pull that “where are you really from?” crap at every major family event?

OP, your SIL isn’t making up discomfort to inconvenience you or get her way and choice of vacation, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Ha, I had to read this again to make sure my SIL didn’t write it, as I am an Asian-American person living in CA and my DH is from an all white small town USA. (But I knew it wasn’t about us when OP said they were rich because my inlaws are not! )

I don’t like going to DH’s parents’ hometown (not necessarily due to race issue - we just hang out at inlaws’ place so we don’t much interact with locals anyway but ‘cause it’s boring with nothing to do) but I go because I want DH and kids to see my inlaws and they are getting older and it’s getting hard for them to travel to us.

I think the difference between your SIL and me is that I actually like my inlaws. They are chill, they let me sit and read magazines, they don’t try to force conversations and push for closeness - they just let me BE when we are visiting. It sounds to me like you guys are demanding more from her on the visits - how would SIL even know about your families’ “social circle”? If I got dragged around to multiple social events and had to be “on” the whole time, I’d hate visiting too. I suggest you all meet at a beach resort somewhere.

[Anonymous]

I'm also team SIL. The more I read the OPs posts, the more I think she knows the right things she is supposed to say, but she has no actual empathy for what her SIL is experiencing in these situations. She is only concerned about how it impacts her. If I were the SIL, I wouldn't want to spent my time with her, either.

[Anonymous]

I'm pp. I also say that as someone who is south Asian and married into a white family... Luckily all my inlaws are genuinely warm and not racist. If I was feeling othered in their town and I told them, they would feel sadness with me.

What the OP is feeling is not that. She is feeling inconvenienced and also slightly offended and defensive at the thought that her parents city (and family!) might have some racist undertones going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

OP here. Totally possible! I will say that I make a super big effort to ask her questions and also an effort to shut my mouth and be more quiet. And I get a big fat nothing - no answers, no questions back to me, no interest in the kids or baseball or the weather or whatever - just nothing. So, it is hard to keep trying, honestly, to be someone she prefers to be around.

PP here. I wonder if the white women I interact with think they’re making a “super big” effort too. Of course, I’m much more gracious than your SIL so I’m happy to ask them questions about themselves 24/7 since that’s they’re favorite topic of conversation. They just don’t get that they can reciprocate too. I think it’s just a white woman thing… they’re taught to be the center of attention

If you are looking for racists you may want to start with the mirror.

Are you a white woman? 😀

[Anonymous]

Your SIL needs to get over it. It is only a visit.

But Op, it is not your business to fix this

[Anonymous]

She is crazy and tries to alienate your brother from his family of origin. Meghan Markle syndrome