How to handle SIL's concerns/feelings (a topic involving race)

[Anonymous]

You mention "social circle." Are you sure this is about race not class? I'm from the west coast and I was pretty freaked out by my in law's McMansion and general NOVA scene when I first married my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mention "social circle." Are you sure this is about race not class? I'm from the west coast and I was pretty freaked out by my in law's McMansion and general NOVA scene when I first married my DH.

Could be, but SIL and Brother just bought a $$$$$ house in LA, so.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is likely your family, and not your town or neighborhood, that make your sister in law feel uncomfortable. I am Asian and I feel very uncomfortable being around my husband’s white supremes family that I have come to realize early on are prejudice against all non-white races. I have dated other white men and never felt this way around their families. Yes, I do regret marrying into this family and I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister in law feels the same way. Mine was a shotgun wedding.

If you really do care about your sister in law’s feelings, then you would do whatever you can to make her feel comfortable visiting you in Virginia. You would never speak down about any non-white races with her present. You would never suggest your brother visit without her. Doing so may give assumptions that your family is ashamed for her to visit you.

Thank you for your insight. I am not sure what to do to make her comfortable? I mean, these are bare minimum expectations - but to be clear, we don't listen to Fox News, we don't listen to right-wing radio, we all abhor Trump, my husband is not a White person, my children are not White, and everyone openly supports social justice movements and efforts with both their time, their money, and their jobs (I work in the social justice field, as does my Mom). These alone do not make us anti-racist, but they do mean that we are aware of some of the issues, are trying to educate ourselves, and trying to be better and to raise our children better.

It is good to know that your family are not far-right wing supporters since I feel many are white supremacist like my in-laws. What race is your husband and how long have you known your sister-in-law? You should try to spend more time to get to know her, phone calls etc. She may be very shy and lack self esteem.

14:03 here. As you can tell I am very sensitive to any potential racial issues and not happy with my in-law situation. My husband has told me that all Asians are considered foreigners in the USA even if they were born in the USA; however, Latino’s are not foreigners because they are part of the same continent. My husband was obviously raised with this warped line of thinking. He also once told me that non-white women should feel privileged to be with a white man. He later denied this remark. He also initially didn’t believe me when I told him Prince Harry’s wife was part African American.

[Anonymous]

I'm an Asian American man and while I can understand how parts of Virginia would make her uncomfortable, I agree with the PP that this is less likely to be about your parents' hometown than about your family. I have had racist encounters in Virginia, including NoVa which is much more liberal than the rest of the state. That said, I would never want to live in Virginia, but I have no problems visiting there. We have friends in NoVa who we regularly visit (pre-pandemic). We travel regularly to other parts of Virginia including Charlottesville, Richmond and Williamsburg. Even though I would not want to live in these areas, visiting is perfectly fine. For the most part, even some of the more conservative, racist folks are quite polite and nice. The type of racism I have encountered are more about people who will treat me differently or like a foreigner (even though I'm American born) or condescendingly, rather than being rude, offensive or aggressive.

OP--I would talk to your brother privately and ask him if there are behaviors in your family of origin that make her uncomfortable and if there is anything you can do to make her more comfortable. She may not be able or willing to articulate the problems herself (Asian culture tends to want to avoid offending others, so she might feel it it is better to avoid your family rather than speak up), but she might tell him as her husband what bothers her about his family.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a pain.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp. Talk to your brother. He may be able to figure out what she wants and whether she's looking for a solution or just venting.

[Anonymous]

OP, do not listen to the naysayers. If your SIL is feeling that people are racists in your town, give her the benefit of doubt. If she is not regularly drama llama then imagine how hard it is for her to acknowledge the overt and covert racism that she is facing. That is the way to win her and let her know that you all are on her side.

My recommendation would be to continue to visit her, visit with them on neutral place like a destination vacation or cruise (if that is safe), and ask her input on how can you all make her feel safe to visit without pushing her. Tell her that she is in control of the decision and you all want her to feel loved, respected and welcome in whatever space she wants to be with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not listen to the naysayers. If your SIL is feeling that people are racists in your town, give her the benefit of doubt. If she is not regularly drama llama then imagine how hard it is for her to acknowledge the overt and covert racism that she is facing. That is the way to win her and let her know that you all are on her side.

My recommendation would be to continue to visit her, visit with them on neutral place like a destination vacation or cruise (if that is safe), and ask her input on how can you all make her feel safe to visit without pushing her. Tell her that she is in control of the decision and you all want her to feel loved, respected and welcome in whatever space she wants to be with your family.

OP here. i agree with you. Tricky part here is that any vacation spot I or my parents all nominate - cruise, resort, mountains, lake, snow, sun - she and my brother feel are too White and therefore uncomfortable. All they are willing to do is go to an urban environment - think Mexico City - which sounds great but is not really possible at this point due to the ages of the kids between us. Perhaps at a later date though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention "social circle." Are you sure this is about race not class? I'm from the west coast and I was pretty freaked out by my in law's McMansion and general NOVA scene when I first married my DH.

Could be, but SIL and Brother just bought a $$$$$ house in LA, so.....

What is the neighborhood like? I'd want to know more, from her, about what she meant. This seems really vague based on what you have been told.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I don’t think this is about race, I think she just doesn’t like y’all and is very antisocial. I have an Asian SIL who’s like this with our Asian IL’s lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do not listen to the naysayers. If your SIL is feeling that people are racists in your town, give her the benefit of doubt. If she is not regularly drama llama then imagine how hard it is for her to acknowledge the overt and covert racism that she is facing. That is the way to win her and let her know that you all are on her side.

My recommendation would be to continue to visit her, visit with them on neutral place like a destination vacation or cruise (if that is safe), and ask her input on how can you all make her feel safe to visit without pushing her. Tell her that she is in control of the decision and you all want her to feel loved, respected and welcome in whatever space she wants to be with your family.

OP here. i agree with you. Tricky part here is that any vacation spot I or my parents all nominate - cruise, resort, mountains, lake, snow, sun - she and my brother feel are too White and therefore uncomfortable. All they are willing to do is go to an urban environment - think Mexico City - which sounds great but is not really possible at this point due to the ages of the kids between us. Perhaps at a later date though.

Now I think they are just being difficult. I can’t imagine there isn’t one place that will satisfy them that isn’t dangerous like Mexico City. Where do her Asian friends vacation? Gosh, that was a horrible sentence to have to write. Everyone I know who is black or Asian vacations at the same places as everyone else. I think you need to find out from your brother if you or your parents have offended her. You all definitely seem like you are trying.

[Anonymous]

I'm of two minds here -- I am also an asian person who married into a white family and sometimes have to visit his european home country where i am the only person who looks like me for miles and miles and miles. His family is always warm so that is really not an issue. So i sypmathize with the person who said your SIL needs to be more open.

however, some of the clues you are giving us make it seem like SIL might have a point. Why would you only visit places that are overwhelmingly white, and think that urban areas are "not possible"? I've visited urban areas with my kids at all their ages. It seems like you may be stuck in a white, UMC way of thinking and that she actually is on to something...

I would keep communicating with her with an open mind.

[Anonymous]

I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it may just be you/your family. As an Asian person who is somewhat soft-spoken and humble, I notice that many white women are overly talkative and domineering. Talk about themselves a lot, barely let you have a word in edgewise and never ask questions that show they are interested in you. As a result, conversations are unsatisfactory. Maybe she got fed up with that.

OP here. Totally possible! I will say that I make a super big effort to ask her questions and also an effort to shut my mouth and be more quiet. And I get a big fat nothing - no answers, no questions back to me, no interest in the kids or baseball or the weather or whatever - just nothing. So, it is hard to keep trying, honestly, to be someone she prefers to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is ridiculous and she should get over herself.

My Asian, blue-collar origin father had no problems visiting my White, aristocratic mother's family castle in Europe, and visit rural pockets of her home country where no one had ever seen an Asian man, literally (this was in the 1970s). Some people he met stared and asked all kinds of "interesting" questions. When my oldest cousin first met him (at 5 yo), he immediately pulled his eye corners to form slits. When my mother first traveled to Asia to meet her ILs, my father's 5 yo niece pushed her eye corners in, to make her eyes rounder

This is where self-confidence and taking things at face value count for a lot. Your SIL cannot develop these useful traits if she does not practice once in a while. It's not like she's going to Afghanistan or South Sudan, is it? She won't be killed on a street corner. Realistically, all she will have are stares, most of which will just be curious, not hostile. There is a possibility she may be confronted with an Asian-hater, but you know what? In my uber-liberal, international, educated town of Bethesda, there was an anti-Asian incident a few months ago. Some old white man started yelling at an Asian woman. That sort of thing can happen anywhere, just because there are insane people everywhere.

Your SIL can make the effort once in a while.

Her sil can do whatever she wants. It isn't up to anyone else to tell her what she has to do. That is between sil and her husband.