Worried About His Age

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating this really great guy. I really like him and things are going well. Things are getting serious, but I’ve been hesitant because of his age. He’s almost 40. I’m 32. I know that’s not old, but I worry about having kids with him. We likely wouldn’t have kids until he is 42 or older. I worry that he will not be able to keep up with young kids at 45 or that kids will not too much for him physically. He’s in great shape and works out. I’m not sure if this is even something to think about. I’ve never dated a guy more than 5 years older than me.

[Anonymous]

If he is in good shape, he’ll be able to keep up at 45. It is more being 60+ at HS graduation.

[Anonymous]

My husband is 7 years older than me and was 44 and 46 when our kids were born. He's 50 now. Our 6 year old is particularly rambunctious and active and my husband keeps up very well with him. Is he tired at the end of the day? Sure, but so am I!

There are other advantages. He lived on his own for a long time, and is therefore great at cooking/cleaning etc. and is truly a hands-on dad and father who takes on at least half the load.

[Anonymous]

Him being 45 with toddlers isn't a concern. Even being 60 at HS graduation isn't a concern.

What is a concern is retirement plans: will he work until he is 73(+), so you will be medicare-eligible? Or will he retire, and you continue to work? Will that cause resentment? Or, will you retire early, and purchase insurance off the private market for eight years? Are you on track to save for that, AND pay for childcare, housing, etc?

Or maybe we have moved to some form of universal healthcare by then. Beyond insurance, are you saving enough to sustain the surviving spouse (likely you) for a decade (+), even if you leave the workforce early?

[Anonymous]

32 is getting old for a woman , he should be more concerned about you

[Anonymous]

not old at all. if he's as great as you say he is, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:32 is getting old for a woman , he should be more concerned about you

32 is not old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:32 is getting old for a woman , he should be more concerned about you

+1 I was widowed at 29, remarried at 32 to a 40 year old. My ability to get pregnant and time it right to have 2 kids was a far greater focal point than his age and ability to manage toddlers.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He really is a wonderful guy, but his age has been holding me back from getting serious with him. He’s very physically fit, eats healthy, and works out 4-5 days a week. He is self-sufficient and does his own cooking and laundry. He does have a housekeeper for deep cleaning but he says he finds cleaning
“ relaxing”. He’s very successful and saves a lot of his money.

I know my question may sound dumb but I have friends with two husbands in their 40’s with young kids. Both have made remarks how hard it is on their bodies to keep chasing after toddlers all day. Both wish they had kids earlier when they had more energy.

[Anonymous]

Is the sex good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Him being 45 with toddlers isn't a concern. Even being 60 at HS graduation isn't a concern.

What is a concern is retirement plans: will he work until he is 73(+), so you will be medicare-eligible? Or will he retire, and you continue to work? Will that cause resentment? Or, will you retire early, and purchase insurance off the private market for eight years? Are you on track to save for that, AND pay for childcare, housing, etc?

Or maybe we have moved to some form of universal healthcare by then. Beyond insurance, are you saving enough to sustain the surviving spouse (likely you) for a decade (+), even if you leave the workforce early?

I agree with the PP and I'm also in the same boat, as I had my second child at 41 y/o (I'm the mom).

[Anonymous]

So much gross ageism here.

[Anonymous]

My father was in his 40s when I was born. He was an amazing father and had a great relationship with my mother. If he wants kids and is comfortable with the fact that he'll be contributing to college tuition right up to his retirement, I don't think this is an issue. If he doesn't want kids, you have a different problem, which is not age-related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He really is a wonderful guy, but his age has been holding me back from getting serious with him. He’s very physically fit, eats healthy, and works out 4-5 days a week. He is self-sufficient and does his own cooking and laundry. He does have a housekeeper for deep cleaning but he says he finds cleaning
“ relaxing”. He’s very successful and saves a lot of his money.

I know my question may sound dumb but I have friends with two husbands in their 40’s with young kids. Both have made remarks how hard it is on their bodies to keep chasing after toddlers all day. Both wish they had kids earlier when they had more energy.

OP, you are 32. If you break up with this guy, finding a new partner and liking them enought to marry them will take a few years, putting you in your late 30s to have children -- honestly that is not wise. That carries more actual risk than the concerns you have about this guy. You are much better off sticking with this person, who you seem to really like!

This is DC - i have kids in elementary school and SO MANY of the dads are in their late 40s or even 50s. It's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is in good shape, he’ll be able to keep up at 45. It is more being 60+ at HS graduation.

Which truly doesn’t matter at all. My dad was 42 when I was born and 48 when my little sister was born. He just came back from a trekking vacation in Costa Rica. Kids keep you young and nobody cares about how quickly or slowly others move through life stages. To each his own.