Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

Really sucks it falls on the back of the traumatized victim who actually put kids first to have to be the one “doing it to their kids”. The cheaters are the ones that did this to their kids. And the hood responsible person is left with two bad choices.

OP here and this exactly how I feel and have said this outloud multiple times already.

OP, I’m the one who brought up the hell of being raised with unhappily married parents. I’ve worked through those issues and I brought it up not because your marriage was previously unhappy, but because of the weight that falls on you now. I think PPs insisting you stay together “for the kids” are (1) being grossly unfair to you and (2) minimizing the amount of work you would need to do to be happily married at this point.

Big hugs. I know this is hard as hell.

I grew up in one of those too and I would never ever stay in this marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

I know that, obviously. But it was really insightful for me to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

I know that, obviously. But it was really insightful for me to understand. [/quote

Given that history it's probably a good sign that your DH felt compelled to tell his family what happened, even before starting therapy. Maybe subconsciously he was tired of dancing around issues too. I don't know what the future holds but just based on what you've shared it sounds like he is really eager to face this head on. We all want to self-actualize--to know our inner-selves. This is basically impossible -- the closest most of us can come is knowing who we are through our actions towards others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

I know that, obviously. But it was really insightful for me to understand. [/quote

Given that history it's probably a good sign that your DH felt compelled to tell his family what happened, even before starting therapy. Maybe subconsciously he was tired of dancing around issues too. I don't know what the future holds but just based on what you've shared it sounds like he is really eager to face this head on. We all want to self-actualize--to know our inner-selves. This is basically impossible -- the closest most of us can come is knowing who we are through our actions towards others.

It sounds good for now. Agree. Tune out the haters and the APs and people that had a different kind of outcome/reaction on Dday. It’s a distraction. People do get past these things she definitely can have a better marriage after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

I know that, obviously. But it was really insightful for me to understand.

TBH, I’m glad that you have some insight into his behavior, but I urge you to turn that reflection on yourself. I don’t mean that in the sense of suggesting you are at fault at all for the cheating, but what I can see very clearly in retrospect was that I was very focused on figuring out why my (now ex) DH cheated, while at the same time understanding what family of origin issues drove him to that, and less focused with dealing with my side of the mess - which was not understanding how I had contributed to it (because I believe the perpetrator spouse is solely responsible for the cheating) but rather confronting the effect of the infidelity on me. And, because I didn’t want to do that fully (because it was scary and emotional and overwhelming), I was the cause of some of my own suffering in the long run.

What I should have done (in retrospect) is spend my energy focusing on myself - negotiating on a more equitable parenting split so I could have a career that supported myself as a potentially single person, ensuring that I had parenting time with the kids that was a mix of duty and pleasure, telling everyone in the family and dealing with the fallout from that, etc.

The infidelity was his fault, but it impacted me negatively so *I* had work to do, and by focusing so much on why he did it and whether he would stop and if we could stay married, I missed a huge opportunity for post-traumatic growth.

About your family OP - I wonder why you haven’t told them? Is it because they’ve had so much terrible happen and you have always been the fixer, smoother or trouble-free one? Is it the opposite and you have had horrible things happen and they have supported you and you don’t want to be there again? or you don’t actually like how family members respond? or need to draw boundaries?

Anyway - hope you are seeing your individual therapist and hope that person is keeping you on track to focus on you - because you are the only variable uou control in this equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

I know that, obviously. But it was really insightful for me to understand.

TBH, I’m glad that you have some insight into his behavior, but I urge you to turn that reflection on yourself. I don’t mean that in the sense of suggesting you are at fault at all for the cheating, but what I can see very clearly in retrospect was that I was very focused on figuring out why my (now ex) DH cheated, while at the same time understanding what family of origin issues drove him to that, and less focused with dealing with my side of the mess - which was not understanding how I had contributed to it (because I believe the perpetrator spouse is solely responsible for the cheating) but rather confronting the effect of the infidelity on me. And, because I didn’t want to do that fully (because it was scary and emotional and overwhelming), I was the cause of some of my own suffering in the long run.

What I should have done (in retrospect) is spend my energy focusing on myself - negotiating on a more equitable parenting split so I could have a career that supported myself as a potentially single person, ensuring that I had parenting time with the kids that was a mix of duty and pleasure, telling everyone in the family and dealing with the fallout from that, etc.

The infidelity was his fault, but it impacted me negatively so *I* had work to do, and by focusing so much on why he did it and whether he would stop and if we could stay married, I missed a huge opportunity for post-traumatic growth.

About your family OP - I wonder why you haven’t told them? Is it because they’ve had so much terrible happen and you have always been the fixer, smoother or trouble-free one? Is it the opposite and you have had horrible things happen and they have supported you and you don’t want to be there again? or you don’t actually like how family members respond? or need to draw boundaries?

Anyway - hope you are seeing your individual therapist and hope that person is keeping you on track to focus on you - because you are the only variable uou control in this equation.

Op here. In a nutshell- my dad grew up in an orphanage and was never adopted. He grew up in a cabin with 3 other orphans and a horribly abusive nun. He has no family of origin and has a very very deep seeded "every man for himself" and "trust no one" mentality which obviously was necessary for him to survive. He doesn't know how to be a parent because he never seen a parent or parental figure modeled to him. If he finds out, he will RELENTLESSLY try to "protect me" by intimidating DH, shoving lawyers down my throat (that agree with his political views and are not people I care to interact with), and make irrational decisions on my behalf. I won't have any autonomy or space to figure things out my way and he will make it nearly impossible for reconciliation to be a possibility if I want it to be. My brothers are in their mid 20s and both have a good bit of our dad in them. They also have zero idea what marriage, parenting, careers, home ownership, etc entails. It will make everything exponentially harder right now if they know.

[Anonymous]

he has never seen* a parent

[Anonymous]

OP, given that your family and your IL's are very close, the affair will come out at some point. There's no way something like that can stay secret forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

I know that, obviously. But it was really insightful for me to understand.

TBH, I’m glad that you have some insight into his behavior, but I urge you to turn that reflection on yourself. I don’t mean that in the sense of suggesting you are at fault at all for the cheating, but what I can see very clearly in retrospect was that I was very focused on figuring out why my (now ex) DH cheated, while at the same time understanding what family of origin issues drove him to that, and less focused with dealing with my side of the mess - which was not understanding how I had contributed to it (because I believe the perpetrator spouse is solely responsible for the cheating) but rather confronting the effect of the infidelity on me. And, because I didn’t want to do that fully (because it was scary and emotional and overwhelming), I was the cause of some of my own suffering in the long run.

What I should have done (in retrospect) is spend my energy focusing on myself - negotiating on a more equitable parenting split so I could have a career that supported myself as a potentially single person, ensuring that I had parenting time with the kids that was a mix of duty and pleasure, telling everyone in the family and dealing with the fallout from that, etc.

The infidelity was his fault, but it impacted me negatively so *I* had work to do, and by focusing so much on why he did it and whether he would stop and if we could stay married, I missed a huge opportunity for post-traumatic growth.

About your family OP - I wonder why you haven’t told them? Is it because they’ve had so much terrible happen and you have always been the fixer, smoother or trouble-free one? Is it the opposite and you have had horrible things happen and they have supported you and you don’t want to be there again? or you don’t actually like how family members respond? or need to draw boundaries?

Anyway - hope you are seeing your individual therapist and hope that person is keeping you on track to focus on you - because you are the only variable uou control in this equation.

Op here. In a nutshell- my dad grew up in an orphanage and was never adopted. He grew up in a cabin with 3 other orphans and a horribly abusive nun. He has no family of origin and has a very very deep seeded "every man for himself" and "trust no one" mentality which obviously was necessary for him to survive. He doesn't know how to be a parent because he never seen a parent or parental figure modeled to him. If he finds out, he will RELENTLESSLY try to "protect me" by intimidating DH, shoving lawyers down my throat (that agree with his political views and are not people I care to interact with), and make irrational decisions on my behalf. I won't have any autonomy or space to figure things out my way and he will make it nearly impossible for reconciliation to be a possibility if I want it to be. My brothers are in their mid 20s and both have a good bit of our dad in them. They also have zero idea what marriage, parenting, careers, home ownership, etc entails. It will make everything exponentially harder right now if they know.

This makes a lot of sense to me op and I think you're making the right call not to share. My friend who experienced this also did not share with her family (in-laws were told) and she has not regretted it. It was the best decision for their family and to give their marriage a chance (which in this case she wanted). I still think of you fairly often op, sounds like you all are walking through all the right steps and you have a lot of folks on the internet cheering you on from afar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My family has been through a LOT of horrible situations and even when it's hard and uncomfortable, we talk through everything- sometimes to the extent of beating dead horses. But there's no surprises. Everyone in my family of origin knows how one another reacts to difficult situations, we know each other's coping styles, we know when to lean in to someone and when to back off."


Yet, they know nothing of your current challenging situation and your inlaws are in the know.

Yeah, there’s more to this than your family is great at conflict and his is terrible.

I know that, obviously. But it was really insightful for me to understand.

TBH, I’m glad that you have some insight into his behavior, but I urge you to turn that reflection on yourself. I don’t mean that in the sense of suggesting you are at fault at all for the cheating, but what I can see very clearly in retrospect was that I was very focused on figuring out why my (now ex) DH cheated, while at the same time understanding what family of origin issues drove him to that, and less focused with dealing with my side of the mess - which was not understanding how I had contributed to it (because I believe the perpetrator spouse is solely responsible for the cheating) but rather confronting the effect of the infidelity on me. And, because I didn’t want to do that fully (because it was scary and emotional and overwhelming), I was the cause of some of my own suffering in the long run.

What I should have done (in retrospect) is spend my energy focusing on myself - negotiating on a more equitable parenting split so I could have a career that supported myself as a potentially single person, ensuring that I had parenting time with the kids that was a mix of duty and pleasure, telling everyone in the family and dealing with the fallout from that, etc.

The infidelity was his fault, but it impacted me negatively so *I* had work to do, and by focusing so much on why he did it and whether he would stop and if we could stay married, I missed a huge opportunity for post-traumatic growth.

About your family OP - I wonder why you haven’t told them? Is it because they’ve had so much terrible happen and you have always been the fixer, smoother or trouble-free one? Is it the opposite and you have had horrible things happen and they have supported you and you don’t want to be there again? or you don’t actually like how family members respond? or need to draw boundaries?

Anyway - hope you are seeing your individual therapist and hope that person is keeping you on track to focus on you - because you are the only variable uou control in this equation.

Op here. In a nutshell- my dad grew up in an orphanage and was never adopted. He grew up in a cabin with 3 other orphans and a horribly abusive nun. He has no family of origin and has a very very deep seeded "every man for himself" and "trust no one" mentality which obviously was necessary for him to survive. He doesn't know how to be a parent because he never seen a parent or parental figure modeled to him. If he finds out, he will RELENTLESSLY try to "protect me" by intimidating DH, shoving lawyers down my throat (that agree with his political views and are not people I care to interact with), and make irrational decisions on my behalf. I won't have any autonomy or space to figure things out my way and he will make it nearly impossible for reconciliation to be a possibility if I want it to be. My brothers are in their mid 20s and both have a good bit of our dad in them. They also have zero idea what marriage, parenting, careers, home ownership, etc entails. It will make everything exponentially harder right now if they know.

I fully support not telling your family. But this description seems wildly inconsistent with your prior posts about how close you all are. I would not be spending a ton of time with a family of origin that behaved this way. Part of figuring out what your go forward life looks like is going to be navigating not just your marriage but your larger familial structure. I hope this all works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, given that your family and your IL's are very close, the affair will come out at some point. There's no way something like that can stay secret forever.

This, above.

OP, have you talked with your therapist about the telling/not telling? I cannot see how your family is not going to find out considering the unusually close contacts between the two families. Then your dad's wrath and your brothers' possibly similiar reactions could be far worse if those reactions are all compounded by "You didn't tell us yourself and we had to find out like this?!" etc.

I am NOT necessarily saying to tell your family; in any other circumstances, yeah, I'd say not to tell them, if you had some distance from them and they were not so very engaged with DH's family. But isn't it likely that someone on DH's side is going let this slip, sooner or later? Are you basically holding onto hope that it's "later" so you can maybe by then be past whatever decisions you're going to make and can announce a fait accompli (either "Yeah, this happened, we are staying together" or "Yeah, this happened, I have filed for divorce" etc.)?

What does your therapist say about telling your family? I'd at a minimum want to plan what I would say in the event they come to you raging that they just found out and why didn't you tell them etc. I'd want a plan for what to say so I didn't end up improvising in a moment of what would be huge stress.

I do see your very strong reasons for not telling them, though. Your dad's background is tragic but created a person who apparently has zero boundaries regarding your personal life in certain areas. But "not telling them" is not the same thing as their "not finding out."

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's hard to explain my family's trauma, but in a nutshell-
-My dad didn't know how to be a husband/father because he was never exposed to such relationships
-He stuffed his hurt deep down and convinced himself he was doing great because he had 3 healthy kids, owned a home, held down a steady job with a pension for 25 years, had a wonderful wife etc.
-He got cancer which resulted in a forced early retirement from the police dept. He joined the police dept fresh out of the orphanage and it was his very first taste of a "family" unit and he loved it fiercly- the loyalty, protection, camaraderie, reliability.
-When he could no longer go to work he fell into a mental health crisis and every feeling of abandonment from his entire life bubbled over.
-He was prescribed Xanax. Got addicted.
-It culminated in a very public suicide attempt that failed. Resulted in a loss of many, many friends for all of us which was a combo of people feeling weird/uncomfortable/scared and parents not wanting their kids to socialize with my brothers and I anymore like we were diseased.
-He was in a coma for 2 weeks, psych ward for 6 weeks, rehab for months. Eventually made a full recovery physically and mentally.

The above happened over a period of 4 years. My mom was fantastic. We were all in individual therapy and family therapy and we all worked our way through everything, resulting in a really tight, functional family unit. My dad has processed his own traumas and grown exponentially. The ONE thing that reverts my dad back to the every man for himself/trust no one mentality is "protecting" his kids or grandkids from experiencing any piece of what he did- lack of stability in childhood, abandonment, abuse, threat to the safety of our family unit.

My intention is not necessarily to keep it a secret forever. I just need myself to have clear opinions and understanding of my goals here before I get too many outside opinions to stay true to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, given that your family and your IL's are very close, the affair will come out at some point. There's no way something like that can stay secret forever.

I'm firmly in the camp of you can cross that bridge when you come to it. It's much easier to come to or close to a final decision and refuse to discuss it further than opening up that you are in the decision-making process and have family trying to influence your decision. If OP's family ends up turning against her husband, that's just the way it is. She will have to establish some boundaries.