Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Op, I’ve posted something similar before on your thread, but you are handling everything better than any of us other posters would. Trust your judgment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's hard to explain my family's trauma, but in a nutshell-
-My dad didn't know how to be a husband/father because he was never exposed to such relationships
-He stuffed his hurt deep down and convinced himself he was doing great because he had 3 healthy kids, owned a home, held down a steady job with a pension for 25 years, had a wonderful wife etc.
-He got cancer which resulted in a forced early retirement from the police dept. He joined the police dept fresh out of the orphanage and it was his very first taste of a "family" unit and he loved it fiercly- the loyalty, protection, camaraderie, reliability.
-When he could no longer go to work he fell into a mental health crisis and every feeling of abandonment from his entire life bubbled over.
-He was prescribed Xanax. Got addicted.
-It culminated in a very public suicide attempt that failed. Resulted in a loss of many, many friends for all of us which was a combo of people feeling weird/uncomfortable/scared and parents not wanting their kids to socialize with my brothers and I anymore like we were diseased.
-He was in a coma for 2 weeks, psych ward for 6 weeks, rehab for months. Eventually made a full recovery physically and mentally.

The above happened over a period of 4 years. My mom was fantastic. We were all in individual therapy and family therapy and we all worked our way through everything, resulting in a really tight, functional family unit. My dad has processed his own traumas and grown exponentially. The ONE thing that reverts my dad back to the every man for himself/trust no one mentality is "protecting" his kids or grandkids from experiencing any piece of what he did- lack of stability in childhood, abandonment, abuse, threat to the safety of our family unit.

My intention is not necessarily to keep it a secret forever. I just need myself to have clear opinions and understanding of my goals here before I get too many outside opinions to stay true to myself.

Op, I’m so sorry that you and your family went through that. I’m sure that it was very traumatic for all of you.

I am the person far upthread that asked more pointedly why you have not told your family. While I understand and empathize with everything you’ve said, I would respectfully still suggest that you and your family of origin still are looking at relationships with the lens of trauma. (Understandably so.). Trauma makes us hypervigilant - always judging who is safe or not. Trauma views betrayal or traumatic i codents as things we could have protected ourselves from. Trauma makes us avoid people and hide the truth.

The real recovery from trauma comes when you have progressed to a place where you know bad things are going to happen, and you cannot prevent or prepare for them, but rather you have built supports and know that you can weather the traumatic events. Your Dad’s desire to protect you comes from love for you and as a result of his own trauma. You can be honest with your family and still draw boundaries by limiting the amount of detail you disclose, ask for the kind of support that you need, and, kindly, redirecting their opinions about what you should do.

Both you and your Dad can reframe this from “threat, trust no one, protect” to “people are human and make mistakes and even if the marriage ends, the kdis and I will be OK financiallya nd socially, we have a lot of family support, and DH is still going to be a participatory Dad.”

Of course, discuss with your therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

We went on a date last night. He asked if he could take me out and I was unsure how I felt at first, but then agreed. This might sound weird, but I love thrifting. Most of our kids' clothes and toys are second hand and I usually buy them from parent sales or second hand kids stores. I enjoy the hunt, saving money, and avoiding any excess consumerism that I can. Anyway, he took me to one of those pop up kids consignment sales. It was the presale night so he bought us tickets in advance and it was a bunch of moms in their Lululemon, sipping wine, scrambling for all the Mini Boden and Maissonette they could grab. DH was the only guy there and was taking it very seriously- diligently sifting through the racks our daughters' sizes and trying to piece together outfits and bringing them to me (sometimes with shoes) for my approval. Most were really bad, but I feigned excitement for his efforts. Our kids are going to look a little wonky this summer, but it was just the perfect combo of hilarious and sweet. It was something wildly outside of his comfort zone, but he clearly put a lot of thought into planning something up my alley that also takes a task off my plate.
Then we went to a cozy ramen restaurant and shared a big bowl. The whole night just felt like "us". I only had one fleeting thought about the affair when we saw bikes at the sale and DH expressed excitement that we can teach our oldest how to ride a two wheeler this summer and kick off family bike ride era and I thought "If we're still together". There was a minute of silence after he said that so I think he was realizing the same.

Le sigh. My emotions hurt.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the thoughtfulness of the effort sounds nice. My now exDH never put in that kind of thought about what I might like - neither before nor after the infidelities. I actually think he is incapable of putting himself in another person’s shoes. But, maybe yours isn’t?

[Anonymous]

OP I have hope for you and your marriage. And I’m normally a divorce cheerleader. You’re playing it perfectly- if you were needy or whining or begging or playing the “pick me” game I’d bet your husbands behavior would be different because he has the power. You’re showing him you have the power and he’s seeing that and he’s stepping up. Thanks for the updates and please continue to keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a wonderful long troll after reading the back trauma.

That said it’s a very good one and I’m enjoying it! I don’t believe OP is really spinning details of a real life, however.

[Anonymous]

This thread is tired. OP, your recounting of your date is bizarre. I'm wondering if you are a troll after all or if others come here posting as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

We went on a date last night. He asked if he could take me out and I was unsure how I felt at first, but then agreed. This might sound weird, but I love thrifting. Most of our kids' clothes and toys are second hand and I usually buy them from parent sales or second hand kids stores. I enjoy the hunt, saving money, and avoiding any excess consumerism that I can. Anyway, he took me to one of those pop up kids consignment sales. It was the presale night so he bought us tickets in advance and it was a bunch of moms in their Lululemon, sipping wine, scrambling for all the Mini Boden and Maissonette they could grab. DH was the only guy there and was taking it very seriously- diligently sifting through the racks our daughters' sizes and trying to piece together outfits and bringing them to me (sometimes with shoes) for my approval. Most were really bad, but I feigned excitement for his efforts. Our kids are going to look a little wonky this summer, but it was just the perfect combo of hilarious and sweet. It was something wildly outside of his comfort zone, but he clearly put a lot of thought into planning something up my alley that also takes a task off my plate.
Then we went to a cozy ramen restaurant and shared a big bowl. The whole night just felt like "us". I only had one fleeting thought about the affair when we saw bikes at the sale and DH expressed excitement that we can teach our oldest how to ride a two wheeler this summer and kick off family bike ride era and I thought "If we're still together". There was a minute of silence after he said that so I think he was realizing the same.

Le sigh. My emotions hurt.

Op, I applaud you for trying so hard! I’m so impressed with your resilience. Whatever you decide, you will be ok because you are so strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is tired. OP, your recounting of your date is bizarre. I'm wondering if you are a troll after all or if others come here posting as you.

DP. While I don't think the lengthy date post is necessarily a troll, I hope OP is investing fully in therapy (she's said she has a therapist she trusts and likes) and is expressing these things to the therapist. I also think OP could benefit from journaling these kinds of details. Posting them here in such granular detail is only going to get, well, PPs calling her a troll. I think maybe much earlier in the thread she said something about posting here as her way to vent or record things but I gently suggest that she might want to find another, nonpublic outlet at this point. Here, posts draw people who will parse every detail and feel they need to respond and interpret what seems to be her posts intended just to vent, not intended to be diagnosed or interpreted.

[Anonymous]

Oh give it a rest, PPs. OP has mentioned several times that she's found this thread helpful and supportive. People have invested time and emotional energy into being helpful and supportive. If OP continues to want to share, who are y'all to denigrate that? You can just not read or post.

[Anonymous]

This thread is tired. OP, your recounting of your date is bizarre. I'm wondering if you are a troll after all or if others come here posting as you.

My away. The rest of us are enjoying supporting OP and getting updates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have hope for you and your marriage. And I’m normally a divorce cheerleader. You’re playing it perfectly- if you were needy or whining or begging or playing the “pick me” game I’d bet your husbands behavior would be different because he has the power. You’re showing him you have the power and he’s seeing that and he’s stepping up. Thanks for the updates and please continue to keep us posted.

+1 You're doing well and I'm heartened to hear the effort your husband is making. Pleae keep us posted! Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is tired. OP, your recounting of your date is bizarre. I'm wondering if you are a troll after all or if others come here posting as you.

Why read it if you're tired of it. You have the power to move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is tired. OP, your recounting of your date is bizarre. I'm wondering if you are a troll after all or if others come here posting as you.

Agree! I understand the need to write but this is too much irrelevant details

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is tired. OP, your recounting of your date is bizarre. I'm wondering if you are a troll after all or if others come here posting as you.

Agree! I understand the need to write but this is too much irrelevant details

I wouldn’t say they are irrelevant, but they are very specific and I wondered how that might impact OP’s anonymity; I do t get the sense she is concerned about people in her real life recognizing her.

Nonetheless, I appreciate OP’s generosity in sharing her life with us, as if we are old friends. I’ve been following the thread with interest!