Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say that I am really sorry you are going through this. You will be OK but this will be a tough period to get through. You don't have to make any decisions today. Hugs.

OP- my sentiments as well. I will say that 2.5 years later just reading your post is highly triggering and gives me anxiety because it takes me back to that day of discovery. You will need your own therapist. This is serious trauma that causes stress disorder complex. And any book, tv show or movie with an affair or infidelity (which is pretty much everything) will be impossible to watch.

My biggest priority was protecting my kids from the knowledge of the affair which is why I didn’t tell anyone in my family. We are all very close. I did tell a few members of his family. They aren’t nearby and no chance of them saying something accidentally over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Intense texting/sexting everyday. As in, told me he had to catch up on work two nights ago but really stayed up after I went to bed and texted her for 2 hours. After I invited him to have a glass of wine on the balcony with me because it was really nice out.

Sexting things my eyes can never unsee. He had literally years to put an end to it.

Ugh. I’m so sorry. They definitely have had a lot more sex than that one time. Also, cheaters are crafty. They can say they are going to the gym or running into the office when they are really meeting up for an hour or two. Since you have unconditional trust none of that seems odd. They prey on that.

Cheaters absolutely suck. Sons of the worst people out there.

She lives in a different country but ya I agree who knows

Have you researched her? Know her real name, etc? She might not. Anything is possible.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I bet she traveled to see him.
I would be done with him, instantly! I have no tolerance for cheating and disrespect, absolutely none!

[Anonymous]

Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It does suck. Mine started his affair when our youngest was 2. I didn't catch on until 1.5 years later. It's going to be rough. But you and your kids will be ok. My advice is to not flip out (like I did). Stay calm, see a lawyer immediately when you return home (email a few now to schedule), get everything in order. Serve him with divorce papers. Don't fall for his tears, his lies, or be intimidated by any anger he directs at you. Get whatever child support you can. My ex cried in court, and I waived the $1100 child support the judge assigned him, because I felt bad. How silly of me. You can and will get through this.

+1. My husband also cried and begged me to stay together with him. I fell for it and stayed for two more years, during which time I found out about plenty more - prostitute use, work colleagues, additional kinds of sexual contact with additional women, drinking in secret and prescription drug abuse.

What an enormous waste of time (and my life) it was to stay with him.

Our kids were 18 mos and 5 years when I told him he had to move out. Younger is better IMO.

Talk to your in laws if yoh want. but remember, they are conflicted, even if they are trying to be supportive and offer good advice. You need an individual therapist that is nog related to you. It would be improper for your SIL to be your therapist, even informally. The best thing she can do for uou is refer you to a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

I would ask him to leave early. He can make a work emergency excuse or a sick parent or whatever.

There’s no way he’s been texting her for that long and they only met/hooked up once. Sorry.

The sobbing is the worst part for me. That’s pathetic and disingenuous. He’s not sobbing about what he did, or he wouldn’t have gone on doing it. He’s sobbing that you caught him and trying to get out of the consequences.

I think he owes you whatever space you need to get through January as a functional parent/adult. Whether that’s moving out temporarily or not. Just get through January and let it sink in. Then you can decide how to work on it if that’s what you want to do. I think you need time to process the shock before you have to do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

You both need to go to therapy and keep going if you want to stay.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry. Been there and this brought me right back. I would say you power through the trip and don’t make any decisions until you get home. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Send me home early with a madeup work or home repair issue if you have to. Do not tell anyone and put on your best face for the kids. Then get home and start the work of figuring this out. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. You are just surviving.

[Anonymous]

I also recommend not saying anything to your mom. It was good advice to tell them you weren’t feeling well so you didn’t get much sleep. I leaned on my brother after my discovery because he was a neutral party who lives across the country and could just be there to support me. I don’t think it’s a horrible idea to lean on your SIL if you have a similar relationship. Someone who is slightly removed from the immediate situation but also someone you can trust if you decide to work things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Intense texting/sexting everyday. As in, told me he had to catch up on work two nights ago but really stayed up after I went to bed and texted her for 2 hours. After I invited him to have a glass of wine on the balcony with me because it was really nice out.

Sexting things my eyes can never unsee. He had literally years to put an end to it.

Ugh. I’m so sorry. They definitely have had a lot more sex than that one time. Also, cheaters are crafty. They can say they are going to the gym or running into the office when they are really meeting up for an hour or two. Since you have unconditional trust none of that seems odd. They prey on that.

Cheaters absolutely suck. Sons of the worst people out there.

She lives in a different country but ya I agree who knows

Are you sure she lives in Canada? And she obviously travels for work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the country she lives in or near or on this trip?

Nope 9 hour time difference

[Anonymous]

If this were real I'd advise you to not tell your mom unless you're a 110% sure you're done with the relationship and you're fine with mom and other family members interfering in any relationship you have in the future.
Your first step would be counseling for you.

Bit this isn't real so I'll just advise you to tighten up your plot holes

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Number one, you don't have to know what you are going to do long term until you know. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Number two, I agree that it's really hard to believe that two adults who have been passionately in touch for three years and who already had sex have been abstinent this whole time. It doesn't pass the smell test.

FWIW, I discovered my husband was cheating when we'd been together 15 years, married 10, and had two kids in preschool. This was 8 years ago. I did stay, and for me it was the right decision. I'll just say that you can only do your part. His part is up to him. So if you aren't 100% done with the marriage, I would wait and see what he does. Mine got into counseling and still goes today. He wasn't a bad person before, but he was immature and self-centered because he never put in the effort to work on himself and grow up. He's done that now, and it's like his Grinch heart grew three sizes and now he's a much better person and partner. I decided that the infidelity was something I could work through. Only you can make that decision for yourself.

Re the smell test, I was in a similar boat. DH had met the OW while on a trip with friends. They kept in touch and "developed feelings." I didn't believe for one second that he would have chosen to be a Boy Scout and not have a physical relationship, but the OW literally lives 8k miles away. I thought they simply hadn't had the opportunity. Then I charged up his old phone and found emails he hadn't deleted from his current phone confirming that she joined him on a business trip. It took her 24 hours each way to spend 48 hours with him. Where there's a will, there's a way.

[Anonymous]

Do not tell your mom or his dad! FFS. If your SIL is not his sister, she may be a good option. I don’t mean to pile on, but do you not have any friends you could talk to? It’s odd that your first thoughts were his Dad or your mom.

Do not do anything on this trip. Nothing. Screenshot your financial info - bank accounts, brokerage accounts, etc.

Do not let him pressure you to stay while on this trip, either. Take some time when you get home to process. Tell him you need this time. He’s had three years. I don’t necessarily agree with those who say it had to be more than once. She could be an escape mechanism, particularly because you have young kids. I don’t think people are really prepared for how hard parenting young children are day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

He's been in a relationship with this woman for 1/2 of your marriage?