Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. With parents there too, awful.
Run search on phone before he deletes things to make sure you got whole story. As prior poster said, tears are more he got caught and less he hurt you or he wouldn’t have kept it up.

I did. I spent 3hrs on his phone before I woke him up. I screenshotted everything and sent it to myself in multiple locations.

I need someone to talk to. I'm highly considering calling my FIL. I don't want to tell my mom because we are all stuck here. I don't want to tell my friends until i have a game plan. My FIL and I are very close and he's a kind, rational father figure. Is this a horrible idea?

Is your mom loving and supportive and do you have a good relationship with her? if so, I would talk to her about it.

Yes, my mom is my best friend but idk how she could spend 2 more days in a house with DH after knowing that.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Another option would be my SIL (Dhs brothers wife). She's one of my beat friends and a therapist professionally. I don't really think I care about "protecting" DH from his family at this point. They'd still love him anyway. Not sure if my family could ever bounce back from that info.

[Anonymous]

It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Intense texting/sexting everyday. As in, told me he had to catch up on work two nights ago but really stayed up after I went to bed and texted her for 2 hours. After I invited him to have a glass of wine on the balcony with me because it was really nice out.

Sexting things my eyes can never unsee. He had literally years to put an end to it.

[Anonymous]

My mom was my sounding board through my entire affair discovery and marriage demise. If you're close, you're going to need support, and she wouldn't want you to feel alone in this. I posted previously, but I really doubt it's been just one hookup and years of texting. Men don't do that. If he hasn't been traveling, she has. I'd put money on it. Just know if you decide to divorce, it's horribly painful at first. But you will be ok, and perhaps even better and happier one day. I'm almost 4 years from it, and life is different, more peaceful. You are strong. Sending you a hug.

[Anonymous]

I hope he's ready to build a life with his texting pal. God I hate men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was my sounding board through my entire affair discovery and marriage demise. If you're close, you're going to need support, and she wouldn't want you to feel alone in this. I posted previously, but I really doubt it's been just one hookup and years of texting. Men don't do that. If he hasn't been traveling, she has. I'd put money on it. Just know if you decide to divorce, it's horribly painful at first. But you will be ok, and perhaps even better and happier one day. I'm almost 4 years from it, and life is different, more peaceful. You are strong. Sending you a hug.

Thanks. It's divorce for me. I've been crystal clear for 15 years that would be a deal breaker. Our youngest is 1.5yo. This sucks.

[Anonymous]

It does suck. Mine started his affair when our youngest was 2. I didn't catch on until 1.5 years later. It's going to be rough. But you and your kids will be ok. My advice is to not flip out (like I did). Stay calm, see a lawyer immediately when you return home (email a few now to schedule), get everything in order. Serve him with divorce papers. Don't fall for his tears, his lies, or be intimidated by any anger he directs at you. Get whatever child support you can. My ex cried in court, and I waived the $1100 child support the judge assigned him, because I felt bad. How silly of me. You can and will get through this.

[Anonymous]

No, you don’t run and tell Mommy. This is between you and your husband. Work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

She doesn’t know that.

And who the h@ll keeps texting (and on vacation!!!) a person that was a single hook up.

I’m sorry, OP. I was an absolute wreck when I found out about spouse’s 3-year affair. It was during Covid so nobody was around but I couldn’t even be in the sane house with him because I didn’t want to blow up in front of the kids. He went to an Airbnb. I couldn’t eat or sleep for over a month.

I told his cousin’s wife who was like a sister to me. I didn’t want to tell anyone that might say something in front of my kids or have an even worse reaction than me and make things worse. My own family would have exploded.

Lying by omission and keeping up contact with this woman for 3 years is a big deal. You will both need therapy and I’d be concerned he’s just giving you “trickle truth” since you are in a house with family and he doesn’t want a huge scene.

Contact the woman before he has a chance to get to her to get their stories the same. Is she married too?

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say that I am really sorry you are going through this. You will be OK but this will be a tough period to get through. You don't have to make any decisions today. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Intense texting/sexting everyday. As in, told me he had to catch up on work two nights ago but really stayed up after I went to bed and texted her for 2 hours. After I invited him to have a glass of wine on the balcony with me because it was really nice out.

Sexting things my eyes can never unsee. He had literally years to put an end to it.

Ugh. I’m so sorry. They definitely have had a lot more sex than that one time. Also, cheaters are crafty. They can say they are going to the gym or running into the office when they are really meeting up for an hour or two. Since you have unconditional trust none of that seems odd. They prey on that.

Cheaters absolutely suck. Sons of the worst people out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say they haven't seen each other for three years it doesn't sound so bad, but the fact is that is just what he told you, you don't really know the whole story.

I hope you can get the whole truth out when you get home and I hope you don't have a total breakdown on your family trip. What a mess! So sorry.

This

I am not sure I believe that he has not seen her more

Go get tested for STIs. Make him get tested and show you paperwork.

And get the hpv vaccine. You’ll need it either because he’s going to cheat on you again, or because you’ll be divorced in the dating scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Intense texting/sexting everyday. As in, told me he had to catch up on work two nights ago but really stayed up after I went to bed and texted her for 2 hours. After I invited him to have a glass of wine on the balcony with me because it was really nice out.

Sexting things my eyes can never unsee. He had literally years to put an end to it.

Ugh. I’m so sorry. They definitely have had a lot more sex than that one time. Also, cheaters are crafty. They can say they are going to the gym or running into the office when they are really meeting up for an hour or two. Since you have unconditional trust none of that seems odd. They prey on that.

Cheaters absolutely suck. Sons of the worst people out there.

She lives in a different country but ya I agree who knows

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say that I am really sorry you are going through this. You will be OK but this will be a tough period to get through. You don't have to make any decisions today. Hugs.

This is the best advice. Read it again. There are a lot of divorce cheerleaders on this board. They don't have to live your life.

Do what you can to make it home and take some time to process. Some people divorce over this but many don't. I didn' over a very similar situation. I would be careful about involving his family in this.