Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a wonderful long troll after reading the back trauma.

That said it’s a very good one and I’m enjoying it! I don’t believe OP is really spinning details of a real life, however.

Yes, starting to wonder also. If it’s a troll, it’s well done but the family trauma seems a little too on the nose or something.

Agreed. I was all in from the beginning, but it was the “oh so perfect” date night that sealed it for me. “Le sigh”? Really? The OP seems to be enjoying writing these details a bit too much.

DP. I'm wondering if someone else came into the thread to write the "perfect date" post and it's not by the OP at all. I think OP is for real but that one post, which I took seriously at first, now seems to be a bit over the top.

OP, come back and tell us. I think some folks here who have followed very closely will probably know if it's really you responding, if you come back.

[Anonymous]

OP how are you doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a wonderful long troll after reading the back trauma.

That said it’s a very good one and I’m enjoying it! I don’t believe OP is really spinning details of a real life, however.

Yes, starting to wonder also. If it’s a troll, it’s well done but the family trauma seems a little too on the nose or something.

Agreed. I was all in from the beginning, but it was the “oh so perfect” date night that sealed it for me. “Le sigh”? Really? The OP seems to be enjoying writing these details a bit too much.

DP. I'm wondering if someone else came into the thread to write the "perfect date" post and it's not by the OP at all. I think OP is for real but that one post, which I took seriously at first, now seems to be a bit over the top.

OP, come back and tell us. I think some folks here who have followed very closely will probably know if it's really you responding, if you come back.

There is definitely a “Le sigh” poster on DCUM. There’s a chance it was threadjacked. It didn’t read like a troll poster in the beginning, but who knows?

[Anonymous]

Op here.

I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.

I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.

So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.

Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for your update. I've been closely following your posts over the past couple of months. I wish you the best and I truly think you and your husband are going to end up with a happier and more transparent relationship. Keep communicating and loving each other. No one is perfect and he made a big mistake; it takes courage to forgive him and build something better, but I think you can do it. You have a beautiful family and I am so happy for you.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can get past this. So much lying and betrayal and for so long. So awful. I couldn’t ever fully trust him again. Regardless of whether or not you stay together, he needs therapy. And now you do, too. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.

I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.

So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.

Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

This sounds so exhausting and I admire the work ethic, I’ve been reading along here and there and I hope you to find a much happier place in the future, seems promising so far!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can get past this. So much lying and betrayal and for so long. So awful. I couldn’t ever fully trust him again. Regardless of whether or not you stay together, he needs therapy. And now you do, too. Take care of yourself.

Agree, not sure if I will be able to get past it either. We've both been in individual counseling for 2 months and marriage counseling for 6 weeks. Plan to continue all for the foreseeable futures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can get past this. So much lying and betrayal and for so long. So awful. I couldn’t ever fully trust him again. Regardless of whether or not you stay together, he needs therapy. And now you do, too. Take care of yourself.

I’m a new poster and I think they can survive this, based on what I’ve read. There’s a lot of work ahead and but it sounds worth saving to me, and I’m pretty critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can get past this. So much lying and betrayal and for so long. So awful. I couldn’t ever fully trust him again. Regardless of whether or not you stay together, he needs therapy. And now you do, too. Take care of yourself.

+1 best wishes, op. That’s a tough hill to climb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can get past this. So much lying and betrayal and for so long. So awful. I couldn’t ever fully trust him again. Regardless of whether or not you stay together, he needs therapy. And now you do, too. Take care of yourself.

I agree. It seems even worse somehow that he was miserable during the past 3 years. Why did he never come clean? It wasn't until OP found out for herself- so how long would this have continued for?

OP I hope you have concrete proof that the AP was harassing your husband for the past 3 years and that's why the affair continued so long...it just seems very convenient how things are tying up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

I'm a PP from a while ago, a WS who reconciled with my BH. OP, it is not necessary to "officially" work toward reconciliation. You just move forward and do the work. I think proclaiming some kind of "official" stamp to it just puts too much pressure on things that are already high pressure and emotional. And this path is not going to be a straight one...there will be steps back and steps sideways as well as steps forward, and that could lead to framing things as "fail" or "success" which may not be productive for either of you right now. You don't need to decide the future immediately. Take it day by day, or week by week. It's okay to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. I don’t know how you can get past this. So much lying and betrayal and for so long. So awful. I couldn’t ever fully trust him again. Regardless of whether or not you stay together, he needs therapy. And now you do, too. Take care of yourself.

I agree. It seems even worse somehow that he was miserable during the past 3 years. Why did he never come clean? It wasn't until OP found out for herself- so how long would this have continued for?

OP I hope you have concrete proof that the AP was harassing your husband for the past 3 years and that's why the affair continued so long...it just seems very convenient how things are tying up.

DP - right, just like it’s convenient that the OP hasn’t read the last few pages of the thread, after her beautifully written depiction of their bittersweet date night, complete with a “le sigh.”

[Anonymous]

This is crazy! I guess the lesson here is have an affair and if you're truly sorry you'll be forgiven. I need to try that out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is crazy! I guess the lesson here is have an affair and if you're truly sorry you'll be forgiven. I need to try that out

DP. Guessing you haven't really read the entire thread in any detail, have you, PP? Either that or you seem to lack subtletly in your assessment of what OP's written. (And that nutcase "le sigh" post about a date night is not by the OP, so don't let that one make you think everything is peachy and her DH is off the hook.)