Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is crazy! I guess the lesson here is have an affair and if you're truly sorry you'll be forgiven. I need to try that out

DP. Guessing you haven't really read the entire thread in any detail, have you, PP? Either that or you seem to lack subtletly in your assessment of what OP's written. (And that nutcase "le sigh" post about a date night is not by the OP, so don't let that one make you think everything is peachy and her DH is off the hook.)

DP - how do you know the bolded, PP? Did you write it? I think it’s odd the OP hasn’t mentioned it again, other than the vague I haven’t had time to read the past few pages thing. If I were the OP and someone crashed my thread to write that post, I’d want to make that clear to all the people who’ve offered support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.

I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.

So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.

Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

OP, this does not sound healthy. I understand that you’re having the experience of putting together all of these facts that make sense out of experiences you had. But staying up until 2 am every other night doing this is not reconciliation—it sounds more like trauma bonding. I hear you saying there is no “trickle truth” but every one of these details is a trickle.

Is he getting treatment for his alcoholism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is crazy! I guess the lesson here is have an affair and if you're truly sorry you'll be forgiven. I need to try that out

DP. Guessing you haven't really read the entire thread in any detail, have you, PP? Either that or you seem to lack subtletly in your assessment of what OP's written. (And that nutcase "le sigh" post about a date night is not by the OP, so don't let that one make you think everything is peachy and her DH is off the hook.)

DP - how do you know the bolded, PP? Did you write it? I think it’s odd the OP hasn’t mentioned it again, other than the vague I haven’t had time to read the past few pages thing. If I were the OP and someone crashed my thread to write that post, I’d want to make that clear to all the people who’ve offered support.

Not just me, but a couple of other PPs have said that the "Le sigh" post sounds entirely unlike the OP's many, many other posts. And no, I am not the one who wrote it.

It would be nice if the OP said it's not her but I believe her when she says she hasn't read the thread for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.

I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.

So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.

Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

OP, this does not sound healthy. I understand that you’re having the experience of putting together all of these facts that make sense out of experiences you had. But staying up until 2 am every other night doing this is not reconciliation—it sounds more like trauma bonding. I hear you saying there is no “trickle truth” but every one of these details is a trickle.

Is he getting treatment for his alcoholism?

This post is worth heeding, OP. Did your therapists -- his, yours, your joint therapist? -- recommend these calendar comparisons and lengthy forensics of the past few years' contacts with AP etc.? I am NOT saying it's a bad thing, and clearly it's giving you transparency and helping put together a lot of puzzle pieces in a way you find useful. But I would also want to ensure that the therapists know you're both doing this and say it's OK. At some point, however much it helps, the revisiting of history has to end, and maybe the therapists need to help you determine at what point you both stop going so deeply into every day of the past few years. Again, not saying it's bad (as I'm not a therapist!) but I'd want to let the therapists know and see what they say. Maybe you've already done that or are comparing calendars on their advice?

And as PP rightly adds, is he getting treatment for alcoholism? I would want no alcohol in the house or in his life if he's used it to cope in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.

I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.

So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.

Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

I’m so happy for you OP. You made the right decision. This thread has been taken over by bitter women who want you to be miserable like them. Good for you for choosing not to be like them. They don’t want you to know how horrible it is and just want someone else to suffer like they are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m so happy for you OP. You made the right decision. This thread has been taken over by bitter women who want you to be miserable like them. Good for you for choosing not to be like them. They don’t want you to know how horrible it is and just want someone else to suffer like they are

+1,000

Happy for you, OP. As difficult as focusing on the past can be, from what you shared it sounds like it has really moved you towards healing of your relationship. Very powerful.

While it is important to start looking forward rather than backward, this was an essential (if painful) part of healing.

I think of you often and assumed you might have needed to walk away from this thread. It's fine if you do. There's support but also negativity here. Do what's best for you and your family, but know that there are a lot of us thinking of you and cheering for your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for your update. I've been closely following your posts over the past couple of months. I wish you the best and I truly think you and your husband are going to end up with a happier and more transparent relationship. Keep communicating and loving each other. No one is perfect and he made a big mistake; it takes courage to forgive him and build something better, but I think you can do it. You have a beautiful family and I am so happy for you.

This poster took the words right out of my mouth.

I'm so very hopeful for you and won't be surprised if your marriage ends up stronger. Sending continued encouragement to you.

[Anonymous]

Every other night until 2am sounds exhausting!!

[Anonymous]

I’m not one of the recent PPs, but I think they made some good points. I doubt anyone wants OP to be unhappy, but some might just be skeptical of the “happily ever after” story she’s telling. This doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you wrap up and put a bow on. Especially given the drinking issues. I’m not bitter - I’m happily married and don’t have any experience with affairs on any side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.

I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.

So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.

Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

I’m so happy for you OP. You made the right decision. This thread has been taken over by bitter women who want you to be miserable like them. Good for you for choosing not to be like them. They don’t want you to know how horrible it is and just want someone else to suffer like they are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every other night until 2am sounds exhausting!!

Yes. It's inherently fatiguing and wears people down. That's why doing it is not a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.

I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.

So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.

Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.

I’m so happy for you OP. You made the right decision. This thread has been taken over by bitter women who want you to be miserable like them. Good for you for choosing not to be like them. They don’t want you to know how horrible it is and just want someone else to suffer like they are

You already posted the same thing above, PP. This thread has taken a very weird turn.

[Anonymous]

I am starting to think that OP is a beautiful fiction writer (and I mean that sincerely). Who is going to be up every night until 2am going over a timeline? It’s straining credibility. Perhaps she’s prepping for a novel - there are a lot of writers on dcum.

[Anonymous]

^ You clearly are not familiar with the trauma inflicted by cheating. OP is genuine - she is posting in another forum focused on infidelity that was recommended here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am starting to think that OP is a beautiful fiction writer (and I mean that sincerely). Who is going to be up every night until 2am going over a timeline? It’s straining credibility. Perhaps she’s prepping for a novel - there are a lot of writers on dcum.

PP above you and same, mostly because these posts are too well-written. I know someone IRL who is a DCUM regular and amateur writer. I’m sure she’s not the only one on here. I could totally see her do something like this.