Anonymous wrote:Op here.
I haven't gone through the last several pages- there's been a lot going on over here. Lots of painful, but necessary conversations that ultimately feel relieving in their own way. Basically, every other night for 2 months we have been up until 2am jut pouring our hearts out. We've uncovered several really specific unmet needs on both ends. Interestingly, we felt the exact same about our individual unmet needs (everything else in our relationship felt so positive that those needs didn't seem "worth" bringing up in the grand scheme of things). DH's communication skills have improved exponentially. I told him last night that in some ways I feel like I'm meeting him for the first time.
I can understand (not agree with or condone) many parts of the affair now which has cooled off my mental gymnastics a bit. We made a timeline of our lives over the last 3 years and then have been going point by point and talking through how we were each feeling at that specific time. The things we were able to pinpoint by doing this were really shocking to me. The weekend after DH and AP had sex, we went on a road trip to his brother and SIL's house and his face is like blank and "gone" in those pictures and I had texted him while we were there saying "Everything ok? You seem really down- anything I can do to help?" then the following week was when I found the alcohol in the basement. Then I forgot about something that happened on his birthday last year. I hosted a dinner party and he was super stressed and said that work related stress was drowning him. Some of his friends from out of town even came in and I was bummed that he wasn't really present/excited but didn't push it because his work really was killing him at that time. Turns out- AP found out I was throwing him a party and was blowing up his phone with nonstop calls and messages (hundreds). She was screenshooting pictures one of the friends posted and sending it to DH saying wow looks like you are enjoying yourself while I sit home waiting for an opportunity to say happy birthday maybe I should message your wife and tell her to relay my message. Maybe she will respond to me if you aren't going to. He said he went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and felt like he was losing his mind. There's like 20+ more similar instances we've aligned so far.
So far, DH has maintained the same level of transparency and work he's putting in. No additional information or trickle truths have surfaced. No word from AP.
Over the last week, I've really been wanting to tell him that I officially want to work towards reconciliation and see if we can make it work. It feels like when you want to say "I love you" to someone for the first time and your body just wants to blurt the words out, but you feel like you have to wait for the right moment to say something.
I haven't been following since you initially posted and I responded, and I am so sorry that you are going through this, but at the same time I am sort of happy for you that he has been transparent and that reconciliation is possible. I say go for it. Tell him you still love him. My MIL never did and left and was bitter the rest of her life. I wish they could have reconciled.
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