Help me untangle feelings about SIL
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Anonymous
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So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.
Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.” The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.” So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip? |
Anonymous
| Stop giving her gifts. You are a gifts person and she is not and you need to accept it. She does sound rude though. |
Anonymous
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It's her kid, so she calls the shots. Humor her to preserve the relationship with your nephew.
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Anonymous
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I am also single and childless and have worked many years with kids, but I am not a gift person. I hate "stuff." It's all clutter and while I understand it's sentimental to the gift giver, I don't care for any of it. I'd so much rather receive a 12 pack of select a size paper towels because it's something I'd actually use.
It's not that your gifts aren't "good enough" it's that they're stuff people don't want/need. Gifts are not your SILs love language, OP. I agree she should have mentioned it and said "thank you" but for many people, receiving gifts is actually a burden. And stop giving unsolicited tips and ideas to your SIL. Let them (or your brother) come to you. |
Anonymous
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"she doesn’t much care for me."
This. So there is nothing you can really do about it other than acknowledge and keep an appropriate and civil discourse going with SIL. It sounds like your SIL tolerates you because her DH is your brother. She has made it clear she does not want any kind of parenting advice from you, so button up. She has also made it clear they do not want gifts (other than those they identify) so stop trying to be thoughtful because it's wasted effort. It's hard when you are a giving person and your gifts are not appreciated. I've been there and done that with family members. Then I stopped. It resulted in a lot of saved money and hard feelings (all the way around.) Give your nephew a pair of of $20 training pants or however many would fit your budget. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks. I really really do not give unsolicited advice. The closest I ever come is the example I gave. And at this point when my brother asks me advice I usually tell him that he should talk to his wife instead. And I am well aware of the clutter factor so I try to send things that are small or consumable (like bath bombs for nephew) and I always include in my note that anything they don’t find useful they can just donate.
Honestly I kind of feel like “why can’t you just lie to me?” If I send a gift you hate, why not just say thank you and quietly donate it instead of going out of your way to tell me “Yeah, I have been wanting one of these from X brand but Y brand will do for now, I guess.” |
Anonymous
| Do you live in the same area? Are you a lot younger than they are? I think there’s more to the dynamic that you’re seeing. |
Anonymous
| You both sound like wonderful people but simply have different communication styles. She’s not a gift person and you are and that’s OK |
Anonymous
This. I would not want a charm bracelet either, but I would have even touched and said thank you. |
Anonymous
Well that’s just rude. Agree with others that you have to accept that she’s not a gift person. At this stage gifts are really for the parents, not the kid. As he gets older it will be easier. And then he’ll get older and age out of toys and it gets hard again! Some moms are prickly about advice. I know it seems like just a conversation from your perspective, but from the mom side it often comes across as “you should do this, you should do that” and rubs people the wrong way. I get that it stings from your perspective, but I would just step back a bit and wait it out. Things will be easier as your nephew grows up a bit more and you can have a more independent relationship with him. |
Anonymous
I live about 4 hours away. I am a decade older. She is 7 years younger than my brother and he’s 3 years younger than I. |
Anonymous
| Your SIL sounds insecure to me. A lot of people picture insecurity as shy, withdrawn, etc. It often presents itself as "know it all." It's difficult to know just going off of what you've posted but that's my gut reaction. You won't be able to change her so don't even bother with that. You've got a few choices--you can keep doing you and trying to find gifts the way you normally do--thinking a lot about the recipient and trying to make the gift special or you can respect her wishes and give gifts that she's asked for and save your efforts for others who will appreciate that effort. Whatever you do please don't take her actions personally, OP. Her actions are about HER, not about you. |
Anonymous
+1 OP I would stop with the gifts, if I were you. That is basically what she is saying. She is rude and shallow, and you have a big heart and good intentions. She should be more warm and welcoming to you, but that is not going to happen, because people like this are simply not warm or welcoming. It really is not about you, it is about you, and your SIL is hopelessly insecure. She clearly has an enormous need to be right, let her play that game on her own time, not wasting yours. |
Anonymous
+1 Understatement. Sometimes certain people need to be right. I gave MIL pointers about how to avoid going staying the hospital for the 4th (!!!) time, as I have had what she had in the past. MIL pretty much ripped my head off, and yup, has stayed in the hospital since then. In other words, she would rather another hospital stay than listen to someone else - she can't even listen to her own doctor, so there is that. |
Anonymous
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I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.
Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return. |