Help me untangle feelings about SIL

[Anonymous]

You are not doing it because you like people that much, you are doing it because it feels good and
you want to feel good.. you are confusing things.

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are trying to upstage her as a mother and a parent and clearly she is sensitive so you
are overstepping..TAKE A HINT!

She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

Seriously! ask any first time parent how much do they care about .. charms and what they symbolise..
being half asleep, exhausted and trying to find a moment to have a sex between feedings, and grueling tasks of parenting, keeping sh.. t together and all.. Oh unless they have five nannies.. then yes..
bring on your cute charms OP..

Otherwise it is like a house is on fire and you are bringing your new shoes in a box to show the people and get angry they don't pay attention.

(e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet).

[Anonymous]

OP, clearly you never watched the Christmas Story, you need to see it for the famous "Aunt's Gift"

Was it you who sent it? ...

[Anonymous]

Haven't read the replies but can just tell you that it's mostlikely this:

Your brother is asking you for parenting advice and then when SIL has an opinion that is different that your brother, he uses you as his backup (Larla thinks X! Larla says that kids respond well to Y")

So your SIL associates you with making it harder for her to get her way on some parenting things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

You mean well, but I see the issues loud and clear. You have expertise with kids, but she has expertise with her own kid and everyone knows how to google. She has not asked for your advice, gifts or whatever. When you raise a kid you figure out all sorts of tricks and nobody wants a know-it-all giving them advice on their kid unless they are paying an expert. Stop trying to impress her with your clever gifts and tips. She has come right out and said, please stop with these random gifts, so stop. You can either get something on the list or just give a card or offer babysitting or whatever. You want her to be grateful and she isn't. You can keep spending hours trying to impress people with a well-thought out gift, but once someone draws a line, it makes you seem problematic. If somebody says "no" and you insist you are boundary stomping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

Seriously! ask any first time parent how much do they care about .. charms and what they symbolise..
being half asleep, exhausted and trying to find a moment to have a sex between feedings, and grueling tasks of parenting, keeping sh.. t together and all.. Oh unless they have five nannies.. then yes..
bring on your cute charms OP..

Otherwise it is like a house is on fire and you are bringing your new shoes in a box to show the people and get angry they don't pay attention.

(e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet).

Oh c’mon - that’s BS. I went through all that with two kids 22 months apart and I had no trouble thanking people for gifts. Even if the gift wasn’t my cup of tea, I thanked them. Being knee-deep in diapers and breast milk is no excuse. BTDT and...no.

[Anonymous]

1. She resents you because you're coming across as an attention-seeking know-it-all. OP, people can't care about the thought you put in your gifts if they don't like them! And that foil-wrapping thing is stupid. I wouldn't want my small children unwrapping foil. She's more of an expert than you about her own child, I hope you realize.

2. You resent her because you're hurt she's not more grateful for your wisdom and thoughtfulness. Well, newsflash: you're not wise and your thoughtfulness is wasted because she doesn't like your style of gifts.


So just take a hint and stop already.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but working with kids for a few years doesn't mean you're more experienced than an actual parent. Especially about her own kids.

And her husband running to you for "parenting advice" is no doubt something that annoys her a lot. It's better to stay out of their marriage.

I would hate to have a bunch of cheap crap in my house. Better to save up and give something that she actually wants. People who ask for organic cotton don't want their toddlers chewing on aluminum. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

To add to 23:40’s post above, I wouldn’t give babies and toddlers anything wrapped in foil — it can be torn all too easily easily and the small pieces can become a choking hazard. If the foil is thick, the edges can also be sharp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you give a gift to your nephew, it shouldn't be on your SIL to use it / dispose of it / thank you for it. That's a burden to her, not a gift. I find it interesting that you think your SIL is rude for not thanking you for these, but you don't seem to have the same expectations of your brother. Why should it be her job, and not his?

This is awful. The entitled responses on here are truly horrifying. These PPs feel everyone must read their minds. They have no time to deal with well meaning relatives or to say thank you. Their time is too precious! They have so many things, gifts are a bother!

Were you all raised in a barn? Good grief

You always say thank you if you know the gift was given with love. It takes very little time these days to say thank you. You are within your rights to ask not to receive gifts, you don’t have to use the gift. But if you know it was well meant and is not some passive aggressive thing, which is not the case here, you frickin say thank you. Now that they have made specific requests about gifts, those can be honored.

It’s not clear if the brother says thanks for gifts to the nephew but the SIL is rude not to acknowledge a gift given directly to her whether she likes it or not. SIL is rude and insecure. Don’t bother offering her advice or gifts, OP. She clearly doesn’t appreciate where you are coming from. I don’t give a rats tookus how insecure she is, the rudeness is not excusable. As you can see many of us can tell you how she might take it the wrong way, but I can’t imagine being so prickly to a well-meaning relative.

Talk to your brother directly about things your nephew might like or go from their list when it’s an expected time for gifts, like a birthday. If you want, set the money aside you would use on other gifts and later you can give it to your nephew for college or something. What an amazing thing that would be. But don’t waste your time on SIL.

[Anonymous]

If the OP is anything like my borderline mom, the gifts are really a way to gain some kind of 'leverage' over the recipient. Like 'But I got it for you so you must do X, Y, Z for me'. I personally would dislike someone like OP.

[Anonymous]

Foil?

Sorry, you lost all credibility.

[Anonymous]

She sounds rude.
However I am not taking advice from a childless person (I am just being more polite about it than she), and all gift people I know are notorious for giving thought out but totally useless gifts. The bracelet and bath bombs fit that category perfectly.
But again, I would be polite about it.

[Anonymous]

Also OP, you sound like a very kind, somewhat sentimental, and maybe somewhat naive person, and people like that are often targets of low level bullying she might just dislike you for no reason except you are an easy target. I am sorry about that.