Help me untangle feelings about SIL

[Anonymous]

Honestly I really hate getting gifts. If they came with instructions for how I should use or dispose of them I would be pretty irritated. I’d like to think I could fake it for the gifter though. But you’re really giving these gifts for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I really hate getting gifts. If they came with instructions for how I should use or dispose of them I would be pretty irritated. I’d like to think I could fake it for the gifter though. But you’re really giving these gifts for yourself.

The charm bracelet would be especially annoying because I would be obliged to keep it forever and even try to wear it around the giver when really I would never want to wear a charm bracelet about anything and certainly not my first year as a mom.

[Anonymous]

If you give a gift to your nephew, it shouldn't be on your SIL to use it / dispose of it / thank you for it. That's a burden to her, not a gift. I find it interesting that you think your SIL is rude for not thanking you for these, but you don't seem to have the same expectations of your brother. Why should it be her job, and not his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

Why are you even mentioning that your SIL was the girlfriend that got knocked up and then they got married? That and other details you write about her stick out to me, like her age and how you’re so experience and so much older. You may not realize it but it comes across as completely petty and these facts are not relevant to the issue of gift giving, they just seem to up your status and lower hers. Not cool.

While you may be nice you sound super annoying, super know it all, super cram your “expertise” down my throat all the time. Just stop. She isn’t looking for job to be her new big sister or a semi-mother figure. Just because your brother asks you for advice all the time doesn’t mean she wants it as well. You’ve been the big sister to the brother all his life, not to her.

It’s her kid. It’s her call. If she says no gifts or just gifts from the Amazon list that’s her decision to make. Have your own kid if you are centered on showing the world you pick the best toddler gifts and have the best judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I really hate getting gifts. If they came with instructions for how I should use or dispose of them I would be pretty irritated. I’d like to think I could fake it for the gifter though. But you’re really giving these gifts for yourself.

Me too. Receiving gifts causes me a lot of stress. (don’t even get me started on buying gifts.) Add to that family members who get really invested in picking out things they just know my kids are going to love, and then I’m stressed on behalf of my kids whom have to act soooo excited just to make these people feel good about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Dear Lord, stop smothering them.

Thank goodness I didn’t have a SIL like you when my kids were little. They all had older kids, and knew to leave me alone

[Anonymous]

The 'most important moments of 1st year of motherhood' gift is something I'd want to get for myself or receive from my husband, not from a relative or acquaintance.

[Anonymous]

Nothing in your post says she doesn't like YOU. But your gifts, which are clearly important to you, are not her thing, and you're taking it very personally. I personally might have very mixed feelings about a charm bracelet focused on the what might have been the most challenging year of my life and, on a more shallow point, might not fit my aesthetic. And toddler bath bombs? Like another PP, all my reading as a new parent talked about the dangers of bubble bath, etc., so your idea of a gift might have felt more like a burden.

You want to show her that you adore her and think she is smart, kind, and a wonderful wife and mother? Listen to what she says. For her, the gifts feel like a burden. They may be your love language, but they are not hers, so it's aggressive to force them on her and then feel miffed that she wasn't more grateful.


Do you want her to feel loved? Speak her love language, which right now is $20-dollar training pants. And find some other way to connect with her that doesn't involve gifts and child-rearing advice. Find a TV show in common, or a food you both love, or a place you'd love to visit, and talk about that. Share your hopes and dreams about your life rather than your nephew's life. If you're lucky, you'll get to be the aunt whose house he goes to for bath bombs and cool sensory activities.

[Anonymous]

Yes I'd take several steps backwards on sharing ideas etc for ways to entertain or enrich HER child. You are not wrong, but she doesn't want to hear it. It could be that she's drowning in advice and just doesn't need to hear what you think! She may not like the magnifying glass of you Being a Child Expert on her version of motherhood.

So back off a bit. When you talk to her, talk about how wonderful and exceptional your nephew is and how much you love him. Don't mention THINGS FOR HER TO DO. Don't give her sentimental charm bracelets about motherhood. I can tell you really want to be sweet, which is awesome. But I would hate a gift like that and be really annoyed my SIL didn't realize I'd hate a gift like that.

You sound like a wonderful, loving aunt. Just focus on that, not on your brother/SILs parenting. Love your nephew! Fin.

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides to this.

I’m a SIL with a new baby, and my husbands sister drives me batty. She’s constantly giving me parenting tips and advice when she doesn’t have children. My baby is only two months old and I’m so over saturated with unsolicited advice about everything, from nap times to diapers to strollers. I’m really happy with how things are going for me, and it can be tiresome to act enthusiastic every single time somebody tries to help me parent. Perhaps you’ve been doing this for three years and she’s tired, or perhaps she was always this curt and always needs to be right, like another poster suggested. Only you can know that.

The toys...I get that too, honestly. My husbands family is a big gift family, and I did not come from a family like that. I was raised to not attach emotions or sentimental value to gifts. We never gave my parents or our siblings gifts. Not because we didn’t love each other, but it’s just how we did things. It’s taken me over a decade with his family to fully participate in the extravagant exchanges over the holidays and I’m still not fully comfortable with receiving gifts all the time for no reason. Additionally, my husband and I really don’t want certain types of toys. We don’t want hundreds of plastic and battery toys, we’d rather a few high quality toys that will last. Quality over quantity. Were you giving her crappy toys to make yourself feel good while she’s stuck with an overflowing toy bin, or is she just rude and shallow? Again, only something you can know.

All I know is that I’ve been on the SIL side, and it’s an equally frustrating dynamic from that perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.

Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.

I feel bad for the person who is wasting their kindness on you. Yeah, what a PITA to be gracious and say thank you, because it makes the other person feel good. Basic kindness is just so tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.

Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.

I feel bad for the person who is wasting their kindness on you. Yeah, what a PITA to be gracious and say thank you, because it makes the other person feel good. Basic kindness is just so tiresome.

Some people have a pathological need to shop and spend money and then pass it off as generosity, so yeah, I kind of feel bad for them, too.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t sound all that kind, actually, but if you want any kind of relationship with her then you need to follow her cues. As PPs said, save the gift-giving efforts for people who will appreciate it, and just give your SIL what’s on her list - that is clearly what she will appreciate, even if it’s less satisfying or meaningful for you. She is obviously just a very different person than you are in this regard, and that’s okay.

I imagine it feels like a rejection of who you are on some level, and I understand that that stings, but you can’t force a connection. Honestly, she sounds thoughtless - even if she hated the bracelet she could have said thank you. She’s not as kind as you are, but she makes your brother happy, so I’d try to respect her wishes and follow her cues.

[Anonymous]

You don't get it because you don't get it, but endless kid stuff and gifts really do put a burden on parents, especially mothers.

Something tells me it's HER, and not your brother, who does the active and constant work of donating, returning, de-cluttering, correct-sizing, etc., etc.

You also don't get it because you don't get it, but your valuable and skilled and wonderful experience as a child care provider is not equal to the lived, constant experience of parenting. You're not as all-consumed, exhausted, and overwhelmed as she might be sometimes. You can pick up your identity at the end of your shift; she has literally become a different person because she is a parent.

So your little "gems" of wisdom and stuff...it's just annoying. She knows how to parent. She is a parent. It's great that you might have more energy or fresher ideas, but it's annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I really really do not give unsolicited advice. The closest I ever come is the example I gave. And at this point when my brother asks me advice I usually tell him that he should talk to his wife instead. And I am well aware of the clutter factor so I try to send things that are small or consumable (like bath bombs for nephew) and I always include in my note that anything they don’t find useful they can just donate.

Honestly I kind of feel like “why can’t you just lie to me?” If I send a gift you hate, why not just say thank you and quietly donate it instead of going out of your way to tell me “Yeah, I have been wanting one of these from X brand but Y brand will do for now, I guess.”

Bath bombs may not be appropriate for toddlers. I just bathed my toddlers in regular baby shampoo. Also, you are making more work for her because now she has to get rid of something she doesn't want or need.

Yes, bath bombs are actually horrible for young girls. We got many for holiday gifts, used them a few times, and sure enough...vaginosis. Our pediatrician told me how awful they are. He suggested using them as "foot spa," or (if the kid is old enough to shower), dropping them in the shower to "melt" and play around with a bit.