Help me untangle feelings about SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, you sound like a very kind, somewhat sentimental, and maybe somewhat naive person, and people like that are often targets of low level bullying she might just dislike you for no reason except you are an easy target. I am sorry about that.

This could very well be true. I don't like OP and I don't even know her. I find people like her incredibly annoying.

[Anonymous]

I am also not a gift person. I don’t know why we non gift people are always supposed to accomodate the gift givers. If I know someone enjoys/appreciates gifts, I happily give them to that person. But I really don’t like recieving gifts - majority of the time it is nothing I need or want and I resent having to deal with extra clutter (and it also feels really wasteful to me). The respect for one’s wishes should go both ways! And op, I appreciate your point that you try to go
give consumables, but again those are often unwanted by me and I throw them out and then feel badly - even your bath bomb example, my kids have sensitive skin and we wouldn’t use.

I don’t think any of this means your SIL doesn’t like you. But she may be hurt that you don’t respect her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also not a gift person. I don’t know why we non gift people are always supposed to accomodate the gift givers. If I know someone enjoys/appreciates gifts, I happily give them to that person. But I really don’t like recieving gifts - majority of the time it is nothing I need or want and I resent having to deal with extra clutter (and it also feels really wasteful to me). The respect for one’s wishes should go both ways! And op, I appreciate your point that you try to go
give consumables, but again those are often unwanted by me and I throw them out and then feel badly - even your bath bomb example, my kids have sensitive skin and we wouldn’t use.

I don’t think any of this means your SIL doesn’t like you. But she may be hurt that you don’t respect her feelings.

I agree. I'm very picky about what I like, and my house is tiny, so gifts are often a burden.

[Anonymous]

I think you think you’re being kind by giving the gifts, but it sounds like you’re doing it for yourself... I would hate to receive a charm bracelet. In fact I really don’t like receiving jewelry as a gift, my style is personal. It feels especially weird to go go all these lengths to pick out charms... unless she told you that’s what she wants/likes. Now she probably feels awkward about it because you want her to respond in a particular way or wear the damn thing.

Re: stuff like wrapping presents for travel. That is stuff most moms ones. When you are a parent you get heaps of unsolicited suggestions, you did not do anything wrong in giving that to her. But also don’t assume she doesn’t know about this kind of stuff already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, you sound like a very kind, somewhat sentimental, and maybe somewhat naive person, and people like that are often targets of low level bullying she might just dislike you for no reason except you are an easy target. I am sorry about that.

This could very well be true. I don't like OP and I don't even know her. I find people like her incredibly annoying.

I am the one who suggested it and I have the same feelings... I have a friend who is like her, I had to distance to avoid being too sarcastic with her. Bath bombs and bracelet with charms signifying milestones are sure signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, you sound like a very kind, somewhat sentimental, and maybe somewhat naive person, and people like that are often targets of low level bullying she might just dislike you for no reason except you are an easy target. I am sorry about that.

This could very well be true. I don't like OP and I don't even know her. I find people like her incredibly annoying.

It honestly sounds like the OP is bullying the SIL into accepting her crap and listening to her unsolicited advice.

[Anonymous]

I would not like someone (with or without children) giving me unsolicited advice repeatedly. That would be incredibly annoying. I also get the irritation with lots of gifts (although she should have been more polite).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, you sound like a very kind, somewhat sentimental, and maybe somewhat naive person, and people like that are often targets of low level bullying she might just dislike you for no reason except you are an easy target. I am sorry about that.

This could very well be true. I don't like OP and I don't even know her. I find people like her incredibly annoying.

It honestly sounds like the OP is bullying the SIL into accepting her crap and listening to her unsolicited advice.

I am sure she means well! It may just get on people's nerves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, you sound like a very kind, somewhat sentimental, and maybe somewhat naive person, and people like that are often targets of low level bullying she might just dislike you for no reason except you are an easy target. I am sorry about that.

This could very well be true. I don't like OP and I don't even know her. I find people like her incredibly annoying.

It honestly sounds like the OP is bullying the SIL into accepting her crap and listening to her unsolicited advice.

I am sure she means well! It may just get on people's nerves.

That’s just enabling the OP. If I were the SIL, I would have told her to knock it off already.

[Anonymous]

So OP is about 40 yo, her younger brother is 30 and the SIL
is 27? She’s dealing with a kid day to day and juggling life and you’re hovering with gifts and advice. Give them some
space! It’s not your child and the even if your intentions might be good you are annoying to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

Seriously! ask any first time parent how much do they care about .. charms and what they symbolise..
being half asleep, exhausted and trying to find a moment to have a sex between feedings, and grueling tasks of parenting, keeping sh.. t together and all.. Oh unless they have five nannies.. then yes..
bring on your cute charms OP..

Otherwise it is like a house is on fire and you are bringing your new shoes in a box to show the people and get angry they don't pay attention.

(e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet).

Oh c’mon - that’s BS. I went through all that with two kids 22 months apart and I had no trouble thanking people for gifts. Even if the gift wasn’t my cup of tea, I thanked them. Being knee-deep in diapers and breast milk is no excuse. BTDT and...no.

How about the brother could thank his own sister for the kid gifts? How about that?

[Anonymous]

I couldn't resist. The charm bracelet makes me think of this SNL sketch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpeoW2mvwp4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you give a gift to your nephew, it shouldn't be on your SIL to use it / dispose of it / thank you for it. That's a burden to her, not a gift. I find it interesting that you think your SIL is rude for not thanking you for these, but you don't seem to have the same expectations of your brother. Why should it be her job, and not his?

This is awful. The entitled responses on here are truly horrifying. These PPs feel everyone must read their minds. They have no time to deal with well meaning relatives or to say thank you. Their time is too precious! They have so many things, gifts are a bother!

Were you all raised in a barn? Good grief

You always say thank you if you know the gift was given with love. It takes very little time these days to say thank you. You are within your rights to ask not to receive gifts, you don’t have to use the gift. But if you know it was well meant and is not some passive aggressive thing, which is not the case here, you frickin say thank you. Now that they have made specific requests about gifts, those can be honored.

It’s not clear if the brother says thanks for gifts to the nephew but the SIL is rude not to acknowledge a gift given directly to her whether she likes it or not. SIL is rude and insecure. Don’t bother offering her advice or gifts, OP. She clearly doesn’t appreciate where you are coming from. I don’t give a rats tookus how insecure she is, the rudeness is not excusable. As you can see many of us can tell you how she might take it the wrong way, but I can’t imagine being so prickly to a well-meaning relative.

Talk to your brother directly about things your nephew might like or go from their list when it’s an expected time for gifts, like a birthday. If you want, set the money aside you would use on other gifts and later you can give it to your nephew for college or something. What an amazing thing that would be. But don’t waste your time on SIL.

No, this is old school thought. If someone has asked you to stop giving them gifts, you respect the boundary. Our planet is in crisis. Nobody needs wants or should get unwanted landfill clutter. Do you thank people for stomping on boundaries? Do you thank people for passive aggressively telling you they don't respect your limits? Do you thank someone for making you take an extra drive to goodwill? It's rude. It is not a gift when people have asked to stop. It is a burden. The thank you enables her to continue to pretend she is generous when she is being selfish. No means no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

Seriously! ask any first time parent how much do they care about .. charms and what they symbolise..
being half asleep, exhausted and trying to find a moment to have a sex between feedings, and grueling tasks of parenting, keeping sh.. t together and all.. Oh unless they have five nannies.. then yes..
bring on your cute charms OP..

Otherwise it is like a house is on fire and you are bringing your new shoes in a box to show the people and get angry they don't pay attention.

(e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet).

Oh c’mon - that’s BS. I went through all that with two kids 22 months apart and I had no trouble thanking people for gifts. Even if the gift wasn’t my cup of tea, I thanked them. Being knee-deep in diapers and breast milk is no excuse. BTDT and...no.

How about the brother could thank his own sister for the kid gifts? How about that?

Dp. I'm sorry but that is taking boundaries too far. A gift for their kid is a gift that both parents can thank a person. How hard is it to send a qiick text or email or even if you talk on the phone?

[Anonymous]

You sound like you want your own child to buy presents for and do activities with.