Help me untangle feelings about SIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

OP I have been you - the doting aunt who worked in childcare so had experience with day to day care and playing games and planning activities BUT lacked any actual understanding as to what it was to be a parent. I remember thinking that I knew but then I became a mom and realized I didn't know

You don't have any children. You want children. You are using your nephew as a substitute and showering him with the gifts and activities that you would want your child to have. And your SIL sees this too. You need to take a step back and realize that this nephew isn't going to fill a void in your life and start working on finding what will.

And you assumed your SIL would not prepare for a car trip. You assumed she didn't know how to use google, or talk to other moms, or has read advice columns or looked on tik tok or instagram. She has done all the things whether she tells you or not.

And bath bombs? for a toddler? Heck no! No one wants those. That's one of those gifts I would have bought in my doting aunt stage of life! They look cool! Kids seems to love them! But as a parent I think what a mess, gross, my kid will be entertained for a second, then there will be another bath to get off any dye and then hopefully it doesn't dye the tub and I don't have to scrub that and so on. See how it isn't so cool anymore?

Charm bracelets are nice if that's ones style. But if you never saw your SIL wear anything like that, well it's probably not her style. But if you thought it was cool and you liked it, why not get yourself a charm bracelet and fill it up?

Not every single occasion is a need for a gift. Sure if it's a holiday, of course get a gift but if they just invite you over make the gift doing something like playing games with your nephew

[Anonymous]

I really would not appreciate someone thinking about a way to entertain my child on my trip and then giving me the tools and instructions for her idea. That's incredibly presumptuous and over the line. Go mind your own business please.

[Anonymous]

If someone gives me bath bombs, all I can think about is what a pain it's going to be to clean the bathtub after using.

I think the snarky comment to her about how she already knows all of the best toddler games would have put me over the edge.

Are you sure you aren't the one who has the problem with her vs. the other way around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really would not appreciate someone thinking about a way to entertain my child on my trip and then giving me the tools and instructions for her idea. That's incredibly presumptuous and over the line. Go mind your own business please.

This.

You know, reading this thread and thinking about my own experience, one of the things that strike me is that a lot of people don't want to let new moms figure stuff out on their own. So much of the advice you get is couched as "Oh well, I wasn't sure if you knew about this so..." and the problem is that whether you knew or not, this kind of interference takes away your opportunity to come to things on your own.

The problem is that the process of trial and error and figuring it out as a mom is how you become a good mom. Full stop. Even if you had a sister or IL or friend who really did have all the answers, it wouldn't do you any good for that person to just tell you everything you need to know about taking care of your kid and even gave you all the tools you needed. Because becoming a good parent is about developing your instinct and your knowledge of your own kid, and reaching a level of comfort with figuring things out and making decisions.

That's why is so annoying when people come in with that the "Oh, have you tried.." and "well, let me show you how..." or giving you toys and products you didn't ask for. It's just not really what you need.

The most universally helpful thing you can give a new mom is emotional support. Even if it's just saying "Hey, just wanted you know I think you're doing great. You're so good with him." That is so much more valuable than a million little gifts (that you now need to sort and organize and send thank you cards for). And it's free! If your love language is gifts, try giving the gift of support.

Also, bonus: letting someone figure things out on their own so that they can acquire the confidence and joy of mastery that comes with that process is also one of the best things you can do for your kids. So when you support a new mom by backing off and letting her figure it out, you are actually also demonstrating good parenting. A gift that keeps on giving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

Seriously! ask any first time parent how much do they care about .. charms and what they symbolise..
being half asleep, exhausted and trying to find a moment to have a sex between feedings, and grueling tasks of parenting, keeping sh.. t together and all.. Oh unless they have five nannies.. then yes..
bring on your cute charms OP..

Otherwise it is like a house is on fire and you are bringing your new shoes in a box to show the people and get angry they don't pay attention.

(e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet).

Oh c’mon - that’s BS. I went through all that with twbo kids 22 months apart and I had no trouble thanking people for gifts. Even if the gift wasn’t my cup of tea, I thanked them. Being knee-deep in diapers and breast milk is no excuse. BTDT and...no.

How about the brother could thank his own sister for the kid gifts? How about that?

Dp. I'm sorry but that is taking boundaries too far. A gift for their kid is a gift that both parents can thank a person. How hard is it to send a qiick text or email or even if you talk on the phone?

...Right. Exactly. So why are you not expecting the brother to do this? Why are you insisting that this is women's work. Make the case for why SIL should not do it and not OP's actual brother, if it is so easy and quick. Hmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am single and childless but I have worked for over a decade with young children. My brother and his GF had a surprise pregnancy and got married and had my nephew, now a toddler. I genuinely adore my SIL. She is so smart, kind and is a wonderful wife and mother. That said, I often feel like she doesn’t much care for me. Even though my brother is constantly asking me for parenting advice, when I offer even a small tip or idea to SIL she always either tells me why I am wrong or more often tells me that she already knows.

Example: They were going on a trip so I ordered some mini figurines of characters from nephews’ favorite show. I mentioned to her that a fun activity is to wrap little toys like these in several layers of aluminum foil so it takes him a long time to unwrap and he can rewrap and playing with the wrapper becomes it’s own activity. She said. “Yeah, we do that all the time.” I said “Oh I should have known you would know all the best toddler activities.” She said “That’s like the first thing that comes up when you google sensory activities.”

The other stress point is that I am a gift person. I love to shop for presents for others and spend a lot of time and energy trying to find nice things. Not only has SIL been kind of blasé about gifts in the past (e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet). She recently sent a long email to all family members saying basically that they are not interested in getting random presents for my nephew and included a link to an online wish list of approved gift ideas. I get why they might not want a bunch of miscellaneous toys and presents for him, but a) everything on the list is very expensive (like they asked for organic cotton training pants that were $20 a pair) and b) I just can’t help feeling that it was basically a way of saying “your presents aren’t good enough.”

So: tell me how much of this is that I am being oversensitive of crazy and how much is real. And tell me what to do about it. Is there any point in discussing things with her? Do I just bite my lip?

Seriously! ask any first time parent how much do they care about .. charms and what they symbolise..
being half asleep, exhausted and trying to find a moment to have a sex between feedings, and grueling tasks of parenting, keeping sh.. t together and all.. Oh unless they have five nannies.. then yes..
bring on your cute charms OP..

Otherwise it is like a house is on fire and you are bringing your new shoes in a box to show the people and get angry they don't pay attention.

(e.g., I spent a lot of time choosing charms for a sterling silver charm bracelet symbolizing different milestones in her first year as a mom and she never even mentioned it until I asked if she had opened it yet).

Oh c’mon - that’s BS. I went through all that with two kids 22 months apart and I had no trouble thanking people for gifts. Even if the gift wasn’t my cup of tea, I thanked them. Being knee-deep in diapers and breast milk is no excuse. BTDT and...no.

How about the brother could thank his own sister for the kid gifts? How about that?

Dp. I'm sorry but that is taking boundaries too far. A gift for their kid is a gift that both parents can thank a person. How hard is it to send a qiick text or email or even if you talk on the phone?

There is absolutely no need to thank someone when you have requested they stop giving more junk. You don't thank a person for ignoring your wishes. A thank you reinforces the behavior and encourages her to keep spending hours and hours getting more wasted stuff. It is much harder to have to find someone who wants this stuff and the right place to donate than to email a thank you. So you do the simple task of emailing and she thinks "Oh wow. They are grateful. I must go waste more money on stuff that will go to waste."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really would not appreciate someone thinking about a way to entertain my child on my trip and then giving me the tools and instructions for her idea. That's incredibly presumptuous and over the line. Go mind your own business please.

This.

You know, reading this thread and thinking about my own experience, one of the things that strike me is that a lot of people don't want to let new moms figure stuff out on their own. So much of the advice you get is couched as "Oh well, I wasn't sure if you knew about this so..." and the problem is that whether you knew or not, this kind of interference takes away your opportunity to come to things on your own.

The problem is that the process of trial and error and figuring it out as a mom is how you become a good mom. Full stop. Even if you had a sister or IL or friend who really did have all the answers, it wouldn't do you any good for that person to just tell you everything you need to know about taking care of your kid and even gave you all the tools you needed. Because becoming a good parent is about developing your instinct and your knowledge of your own kid, and reaching a level of comfort with figuring things out and making decisions.

That's why is so annoying when people come in with that the "Oh, have you tried.." and "well, let me show you how..." or giving you toys and products you didn't ask for. It's just not really what you need.

The most universally helpful thing you can give a new mom is emotional support. Even if it's just saying "Hey, just wanted you know I think you're doing great. You're so good with him." That is so much more valuable than a million little gifts (that you now need to sort and organize and send thank you cards for). And it's free! If your love language is gifts, try giving the gift of support.

Also, bonus: letting someone figure things out on their own so that they can acquire the confidence and joy of mastery that comes with that process is also one of the best things you can do for your kids. So when you support a new mom by backing off and letting her figure it out, you are actually also demonstrating good parenting. A gift that keeps on giving!

Well said!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not like someone (with or without children) giving me unsolicited advice repeatedly. That would be incredibly annoying. I also get the irritation with lots of gifts (although she should have been more polite).

I don't think she should have been more polite assuming she was polite art first. This is a mom of a young child and she is expected to graciously accept and influx of junk she doesn't want, some of which may be even harmful to her kids (plastics, possible lead paint, choking on tinfoil), Polite didn't work. Then she has to listen to unsolicited advice from someone who doesn't even have her own children? It's bad enough from people who have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really would not appreciate someone thinking about a way to entertain my child on my trip and then giving me the tools and instructions for her idea. That's incredibly presumptuous and over the line. Go mind your own business please.

DP. I wouldn’t mind it. I wouldn’t necessarily use the tips, but I’d be gracious about it. It’s interesting to learn what triggers or irritates people. I don’t relate.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always had a civil and polite relationship with DH’s family, and was a bit turned off and taken aback when they expected the relationship to suddenly change to a much closer and emotional one when we had kids. I think that charm braclet present would have felt like forced closeness.

Currently kids are in elementary school and have good relationships with my inlaws (including SIL) - FACILITATED BY MY DH. I have a respectful and polite (but not emotionally close) relationship with my inlaws, which works for us as there are no expectations and hurt feelings on either side.

I know you mean well, OP, but I think you are trying to force a kind of relationship you want with your SIL that she doesn’t want and it’s turning her off more.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else find it telling that OP hasn't been back yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also OP, you sound like a very kind, somewhat sentimental, and maybe somewhat naive person, and people like that are often targets of low level bullying she might just dislike you for no reason except you are an easy target. I am sorry about that.

This could very well be true. I don't like OP and I don't even know her. I find people like her incredibly annoying.

It honestly sounds like the OP is bullying the SIL into accepting her crap and listening to her unsolicited advice.

Bullying?! GMAFB. That's the rallying cry of the lazy-minded over anything that they don't like these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.

Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.

Agreed. I would be rolling my eyes at you so hard I'd strain something at your advice. It's interesting that you mention your brother asks you for parenting advice. That makes no sense to me and I think you are misinterpreting your conversations with him and this encourages you to believe sil nees your advice. The way you wrote your post makes me think you do think you are older and wiser and should be advising her. Frankly I would find it hard to take advice from someone I think is clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would find it very annoying if someone 'advised' me how to play with my kid, unless I had asked for advice and ideas. You have a great game in mind? Feel free to engage and play with my child yourself.

Also, I don't like the people who shove an endless stream of gifts on you at every possible occasion, with the expectation that we should praise them for their 'generosity' and 'thoughtfulness' in return.

+1 Added to this I think charm bracelets are the strangest, tackiest thing on earth and if someone thoughtfully selected me a charm I would be irritated that I had to keep a piece of clutter around.

It's great that you love your nephew and have experience with kids but you're not presenting yourself as a doting aunt, you're presenting yourself as an expert on childcare that she needs to learn from and appreciate. The reason she told you that's the first thing that comes up on Google is because you're implying she hasn't thought about ways to make travel easier or plan ahead for a trip with her kid. If your brother asks for advice, give it. But chill out with your "expert advice," it's condescending.

You say you love and admire her, but your insertion of "surprise pregnancy" for no reason and in a way that adds nothing to the OP tells otherwise.

I like charm bracelets but they are personal. A lot of people are not in to them. Op is trying to force a level of intimicy that sil doesn't want. I suspect op doesn't understand boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else find it telling that OP hasn't been back yet?

No, and I strongly suspect this is one of those OPs who reverses the roles. I suspect she's really the SIL, and is getting the validation here that her brother's wife is overbearing and in the wrong.