Recovery after affair

[Anonymous]

How many people were able to continue to have a happy marriage after an affair? My DH had a 9 month relationship with a woman involving real feelings, sex, dinners, travel, etc. I was literally floored when he told me bc he really never seemed like the type to do this. He has given me access to phone, location tracking, emails, etc. and has started individual and marital counseling. I just don't know how to get over this even though I know that it would be best for our 2 young kids to stay together. Would love to hear others experience with this and how you made the decision to stay or go.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, I just have to say my heart breaks for you. That sounds just awful.

[Anonymous]

Don't assume that it would be best for your kids to stay together. Don't assume anything. Your job isn't to "get over this," your job is to process your feelings and evaluate his behavior. Maybe you'll decide you want to and you can forgive him; maybe you won't. It's not on you to fix this.

[Anonymous]

So he was in love with another woman. Why did he tell you? Does he want it to work? Why did he have the affair in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Why did it end? I’m so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Sorry but you cannot unbreak once it's broken. You can try to fix it but the cracks and holes are unfillable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't assume that it would be best for your kids to stay together. Don't assume anything. Your job isn't to "get over this," your job is to process your feelings and evaluate his behavior. Maybe you'll decide you want to and you can forgive him; maybe you won't. It's not on you to fix this.

+1

I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

The counseling and the access to his phone, etc are good signs and gestures that he wants to rebuild trust. I personally could not get over the trust issues when my ex husband had an affair. I sadly did divorce him even with 2 young children.

Talk to a lawyer, have your ducks all in a row to file at any time of your choosing. You can prepare for divorce, but then sit on it for 6 months. See what efforts he makes. See how YOU feel. Maybe you'll get over the shock of the situation, and realize you dont want to babysit a grown man's phone or have to doubt he is where he says he is or is doing what he says he's doing. Whatever you end up doing, you are strong enough to handle.

Lawyer now. Determine a custody plan, child support, living arrangements, etc. Sit back and let HIM step up and prove he can be a good husband.

[Anonymous]

I never forgave him. I did divorce with two kids. I didn't want to be with someone I could not trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never forgave him. I did divorce with two kids. I didn't want to be with someone I could not trust.

Do you feel better off now that you did that? Did you find someone else?

[Anonymous]

I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

In your last sentence---in some of those marriages one partner was cheating or had cheated but nobody (spouse included) found out prior to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

Here's the thing, most couples never disclose to anyone there was cheating or an affair in their marriage. There are kids to protect and people don't want to tarnish people's views if they do remain together.

You'd be very[i] surprised to know that some of your friends and family member's marriages that you really envy at one point had encountered infidelity. It is very common. 2/3s stay married.

Everyone only hears about the extremes on either side.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are working on it. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done but he has done a tremendous amount of therapy work and really gotten in touch with childhood trauma and neglect that was the driver. I know it sounds strange but our marriage was very good before it and he fell into it with a clearly also damaged co worker. We are now 15 months out from discovery. We are both in a lot of grief over what he did to me and to us and his own lack of integrity but the stats are good that you can recovery with lots and lots of work. We have been together almost 30 years.

[Anonymous]

divorce.

The marriage was over once he put his penis in someone else's body. You didn't break the marriage he did.

To me, I told DH before we married that an affair is a deal breaker, Full stop. No questions asked. Why do other woman have no backbone?