Recovery after affair

[Anonymous]

What is a WW wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

LMAO- this just means that the cheating DH is a very good liar and was able to pick up the affair again after months of convincing his wife it meant nothing.

Not everyone is like you. There are people that face their issues in therapy and life and change.

Another fun fact, surveys show that 64% of men that cheated were in happy marriages while only 34% of women were. Women look for an exit in cheating. The sad truth is less than 2% of them ever find it with an AP. And if they do those marriages have a 75%+ failure rate. Talk about fooling yourself...

I don't think they are looking to find happiness with the AP. He is a means to an end - the impetus to leave their husband. 2nd marriage rates are actually not at 75% failure, I don't believe, more like 60% failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a WW wife?

Wayward Wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WW wife — thanks for posting. I am 30 year wife. The therapy and work you have done on yourself sounds veyr much like what my husband is doing. There is no deflection, no blame, it had nothing to do with me. I was a wonderful wife and mother and we had plenty of sex. The issues lay with him and lack of integration was a very real issue. Therapy will be life long but even though I am in the worst pain of my life a lot, I still find it more of a worthy path for me to watch my husband put himself together again and become the man and husband he should have been all along. The issue with the OW here is that she happened to intersect with him at a very bad time for him and we do need people who are not just looking to bed married men which I think might be part of her bag. Anyway good for you for doing the work and facing yourself in the mirror. My husband is doing the same and I know his pain is enormous for what he did to me and us and that he almost lost me and will lose me if the huge changes somehow did not continue,.

I could have written this post. 24 year wife with almost identical situation/circumstances (except OW’s marriage was not open). They got the worst of these men. The men at that point and time were at their all time lowest, not good people. I agree with your assessment that they intersected at a very bad time for him. When he was going through a very bad time internally. Not the person you married 30 years ago. You knew him long before and saw the midlife change. With all that therapy and sorting out leftover childhood issues and/or internal crap, he is going to be even better than the man you initially fell in love with. Another pp mentioned the crack that is there and how the marriage will never be the same. That’s not a bad thing. Esther Perel and Shirley Glass talk about how people can be married many times to the same person. You can create marriage 2.0 now. With all of the therapy you are both doing, you learn new coping and how to connect better. You throw out the parts that weren’t working and add new things. He will no longer be afraid to be 100% vulnerable and actually have the deep conversations. Nobody is the same at 25 that they are at 50 or again at 70. People’s needs change and they learn and grow. While nobody would wish to go through something as awfully traumatic as this (and it truly is incredibly traumatic for the ones that regret what they did too), it can ultimately for the best because it created a crisis that called for great change. There is a Japanese quote: My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.

I hope having Wayward Wife give a perspective from a cheater that truly has changed, it will quiet some of the women that want to be nasty to the betrayed wives. There is something going on in their own lives to lash out at strangers and ridicule them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

Good lord. I’m not a cheater or a cheated upon, so I don’t have a horse in this race, but if these were the terms upon which the marriage would have to continue, I would peace out. It’s already over. No man is worth being a slave with no privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

You’re psychotic and need therapy. Your poor DH.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much to the 24 year wife. I adopted the term “30 year wife” but it is actually our 30th year since we started dating and we have also been married for 24 actually I appreciate what you wrote very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

Good lord. I’m not a cheater or a cheated upon, so I don’t have a horse in this race, but if these were the terms upon which the marriage would have to continue, I would peace out. It’s already over. No man is worth being a slave with no privacy.

That was directed to the WOMAN that was the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

Good lord. I’m not a cheater or a cheated upon, so I don’t have a horse in this race, but if these were the terms upon which the marriage would have to continue, I would peace out. It’s already over. No man is worth being a slave with no privacy.

That was directed to the WOMAN that was the cheater.

She lost her right to privacy in the marriage for the immediate future. She can earn the trust slowly back after time. You are right, she should leave if she can’t handle owning up the severe trust violation she caused in her marriage. In fact, she should be the one to offer up anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you so much to the 24 year wife. I adopted the term “30 year wife” but it is actually our 30th year since we started dating and we have also been married for 24 actually I appreciate what you wrote very much.

You are welcome. “24 years” since we started dating. 22 years married here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

You’re psychotic and need therapy. Your poor DH.

If I were married to her, I would not trust her. It was an honest question/s about what he actually did to feel she was not still having the affair and/or starting a new one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

Good lord. I’m not a cheater or a cheated upon, so I don’t have a horse in this race, but if these were the terms upon which the marriage would have to continue, I would peace out. It’s already over. No man is worth being a slave with no privacy.

That was directed to the WOMAN that was the cheater.

Yes, darling. That’s why I specified that no man is worth the privations enumerated here. Ie, I wouldn’t stay with a husband that demanded these things of me. Get it now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

Good lord. I’m not a cheater or a cheated upon, so I don’t have a horse in this race, but if these were the terms upon which the marriage would have to continue, I would peace out. It’s already over. No man is worth being a slave with no privacy.

That was directed to the WOMAN that was the cheater.

Yes, darling. That’s why I specified that no man is worth the privations enumerated here. Ie, I wouldn’t stay with a husband that demanded these things of me. Get it now?

Yes. I wouldn’t stay with a wife that cheated on me if she didn’t offer at least a good portion of that in the year after.

[Anonymous]

Staying or leaving is such a personal decision. I went through something very similar. We separated, we reconciled and then he left to be with her again. Truth is, we should've just headed for divorce the first time and not bothered with separating in the first place. I never fully trusted him. The mind movies were terrible. The constant wondering if he really still had feelings for her, was sneaking to communicate with her, it was all just too much...for me. I know there are others who are able to get past an affair, but I really couldn't and I put myself through way more BS than I ever should have. Sorry you're going through this. It sucks, it's devastating and it hurts like hell.

[Anonymous]

Leave. and leave now. There WILL be a second d-day. Do not waste another minute of your life on him.