Recovery after affair

[Anonymous]

If DH ever did cheat and I found out there is zero recovery. He had his chance with me and his actions tell me all I need to know about what he really thinks about our marriage and family.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can find a lot of advice on recovery at survivinginfidelity.com. It can be done, but your husband needs to do a lot of work on himself and needs to help you heal from this. Is he willing to do the work? Get the short book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair” and have him read it.

[Anonymous]

I have not been in your shoes, OP, but I think that the question you are asking is what to do, how did people recover, should you, etc. I think the really hard thing about what has happened in your marriage is that it has taken away the certainty, everything is on the table now. As much as you probably want an answer, a sign, someone or smething to tell you what to do, to save yourself more heartache, I am afraid there is no clear simple immediate answer. And that's what sucks--you didn't bring this on, but you have to go through it to figure out what to do next. No one can really tell you because each marriage and situation is unique. Lots of people will pronounce things about stuff they would "never" tolerate or do, but life is much more nuanced, as are people, and your life and reality is unique.

That being said, I think that you really dont have to decide now--you dont have to commit to the marriage or a divorce or anything. You have the right to space and time to process and if your husband can't handle that, you probably have your answer. If he's willing to live with the uncertainty while you work through things, then you have an opportunity to decide what you really want to do. Either way, you will be okay and by going through this, you will also know that you've done whatever you could and that the decision you ultimately make will be the right one for you.

I hope you feel better and have a good support group. I'm very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

Your spouse brought this woman into your life.

Duh. Yes- he brought a batsh@t crazy woman he met on the Internet into our lives.

And yet you're spending the rest of your life forgiig him and babysitting him and ranting about that crazy woman on the internet.

You seem oddly very invested in this.

I just hink it's weird that women go on an on about forgiving their husbands, and overcoming the affair, and they're sronger than ever now but still ave all this negative energy towards the oow as if she exists in a vacuum and it wasn't her "poor damaged" husband who brought that woman into their lives. I guess they have to feel like they won somehow.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never forgave him. I did divorce with two kids. I didn't want to be with someone I could not trust.

+2. Was so hard at the time but now kids and I are thriving and well. Should have just done it out of the gate instead of wasting time on therapy and empty promises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain the psychology of the women posters that attack the betrayed spouse on this thread.

Someone please. Why would somebody come taunt and attack them??

The only angle I can think of is that they are cheaters or dumped OW.

Why else would you make fun and vilify a victim?

By definition OW are not friend of “women”. They are not part of the sisterhood. You can’t do something you know will hurt and harm a woman and her family and call yourself a feminist or friend of women.

Take that pink p@ssy hat off of your heads, you hypocrites!

100% this

My neighbor on Instagram and other social media is always going on about living a good life and putting herself as a great wife/mother and charity worker...is an Ashley Madison regular. The men she has paraded in and out of the house when her husband is at work...good lord. She brags about it to my one friend.

Such a hypocrite with her women movement/me too sh@t. I guess “me too” means screwing other women’s husbands to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:30 year old woman here. That is so funny about the pink pussy hat. There is a photo of the OW who slept with my husband on her husband’s instagram with her in a pink pussy hat. She would def tell everyone around her she is a feminist but she supported lying and cheating. She even once said to my husband to delete texts so he would not be caught and end up divorced. It is 100 percent his fault but her damage also played into it some.

See? She wanted the best for you and was not a threat to your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 year old woman here. That is so funny about the pink pussy hat. There is a photo of the OW who slept with my husband on her husband’s instagram with her in a pink pussy hat. She would def tell everyone around her she is a feminist but she supported lying and cheating. She even once said to my husband to delete texts so he would not be caught and end up divorced. It is 100 percent his fault but her damage also played into it some.

See? She wanted the best for you and was not a threat to your marriage.

DP. I’m assuming this is sarcasm. Yes- f@cking someone’s husband and helping him cover his tracks is the epitome of wanting the best for their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain the psychology of the women posters that attack the betrayed spouse on this thread.

Someone please. Why would somebody come taunt and attack them??

The only angle I can think of is that they are cheaters or dumped OW.

Why else would you make fun and vilify a victim?

By definition OW are not friend of “women”. They are not part of the sisterhood. You can’t do something you know will hurt and harm a woman and her family and call yourself a feminist or friend of women.

Take that pink p@ssy hat off of your heads, you hypocrites!

100% this

My neighbor on Instagram and other social media is always going on about living a good life and putting herself as a great wife/mother and charity worker...is an Ashley Madison regular. The men she has paraded in and out of the house when her husband is at work...good lord. She brags about it to my one friend.

Such a hypocrite with her women movement/me too sh@t. I guess “me too” means screwing other women’s husbands to her.

Classy “ladies”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 year old woman here. That is so funny about the pink pussy hat. There is a photo of the OW who slept with my husband on her husband’s instagram with her in a pink pussy hat. She would def tell everyone around her she is a feminist but she supported lying and cheating. She even once said to my husband to delete texts so he would not be caught and end up divorced. It is 100 percent his fault but her damage also played into it some.

See? She wanted the best for you and was not a threat to your marriage.

DP. I’m assuming this is sarcasm. Yes- f@cking someone’s husband and helping him cover his tracks is the epitome of wanting the best for their marriage.

Nope, not sarcasm. OW is gettin' hers (NSA sex), DH is gettin' his (NSA sex), and DW is gettin' hers too (solid marriage with whatever amount of sex she wants presumably). Everyone wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

LMAO- this just means that the cheating DH is a very good liar and was able to pick up the affair again after months of convincing his wife it meant nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not been in your shoes, OP, but I think that the question you are asking is what to do, how did people recover, should you, etc. I think the really hard thing about what has happened in your marriage is that it has taken away the certainty, everything is on the table now. As much as you probably want an answer, a sign, someone or smething to tell you what to do, to save yourself more heartache, I am afraid there is no clear simple immediate answer. And that's what sucks--you didn't bring this on, but you have to go through it to figure out what to do next. No one can really tell you because each marriage and situation is unique. Lots of people will pronounce things about stuff they would "never" tolerate or do, but life is much more nuanced, as are people, and your life and reality is unique.

That being said, I think that you really dont have to decide now--you dont have to commit to the marriage or a divorce or anything. You have the right to space and time to process and if your husband can't handle that, you probably have your answer. If he's willing to live with the uncertainty while you work through things, then you have an opportunity to decide what you really want to do. Either way, you will be okay and by going through this, you will also know that you've done whatever you could and that the decision you ultimately make will be the right one for you.

I hope you feel better and have a good support group. I'm very sorry.

Wise words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can find a lot of advice on recovery at survivinginfidelity.com. It can be done, but your husband needs to do a lot of work on himself and needs to help you heal from this. Is he willing to do the work? Get the short book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair” and have him read it.

+1. But I do think people seem to stuck in the righteous outrage phase

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

LMAO- this just means that the cheating DH is a very good liar and was able to pick up the affair again after months of convincing his wife it meant nothing.

LMAO. My STBX broke up with her ugly @ss NSA FB and then confessed the entire thing. When I met her she was an ugly bitter fat 59-year old woman that complained he treated her so poorly and was horrible in what he said when he broke up with her. This in the driveway while her unsuspecting husband watched on. If she wants him after that ....well there. Highly doubtful. He said if he were single he would never date her. She’s so far below his league and never worked a day in her life so he’d have to support some old menopausal whore that he’d have to worry was f@cking men in the house anytime he went to work.

[Anonymous]

*50-year old