Recovery after affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people you know have faced that. Seriously. You just don’t know. It is a dirty secret kept between the couple and their therapists if they make it.

You can’t paint a broad brush. Nobody’s circumstances or marriages or partners are the same. Certainly there are some men and women cheaters that deserve to be divorced, maybe they even left if their own accord and didn’t want to work on their marriage.

There are people that see the hurt and would never think of doing it again because they had to face the pain and destruction of the person they loved and valued the most. Jay-Z and Letterman did an interview discussing their personal infidelities and commented similar.

What you see on TV and in movies is bogus. They do not show anything about the aftermath in a marriage.

If a marriage was really good and family kids happy AND the cheater has shown true remorse and made Herculean effort to change, including therapy for a very long time you can end up with a person better than the one you married and relationship better than those with no cheating but animosity, boredom and contempt. We all knows those miserable couples—but hey none of them cheated, right? They are miserable though.

The implosion can cause great change for the better ultimately because nothing is off topic and nobody is limping through or not being held accountable.

I realize the hurt of the one poster whose father was a serial cheater, but many kids have ZERO idea their mother or father cheated at one point. Zero. I have a friend whose mother confessed at 70 when she was having trouble in her own relationship that her dad had a brief affair in midlife. It blew her mind because what she saw was a loving happy couple that she felt she couldn’t live up to.

Your heartbreak, your rules. He should be doing all the work at this point and forever transparent.

It's very naieve of you to think few kids know about their parent's affairs. I can think of five right now who knew of their parent's affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people you know have faced that. Seriously. You just don’t know. It is a dirty secret kept between the couple and their therapists if they make it.

You can’t paint a broad brush. Nobody’s circumstances or marriages or partners are the same. Certainly there are some men and women cheaters that deserve to be divorced, maybe they even left if their own accord and didn’t want to work on their marriage.

There are people that see the hurt and would never think of doing it again because they had to face the pain and destruction of the person they loved and valued the most. Jay-Z and Letterman did an interview discussing their personal infidelities and commented similar.

What you see on TV and in movies is bogus. They do not show anything about the aftermath in a marriage.

If a marriage was really good and family kids happy AND the cheater has shown true remorse and made Herculean effort to change, including therapy for a very long time you can end up with a person better than the one you married and relationship better than those with no cheating but animosity, boredom and contempt. We all knows those miserable couples—but hey none of them cheated, right? They are miserable though.

The implosion can cause great change for the better ultimately because nothing is off topic and nobody is limping through or not being held accountable.

I realize the hurt of the one poster whose father was a serial cheater, but many kids have ZERO idea their mother or father cheated at one point. Zero. I have a friend whose mother confessed at 70 when she was having trouble in her own relationship that her dad had a brief affair in midlife. It blew her mind because what she saw was a loving happy couple that she felt she couldn’t live up to.

Your heartbreak, your rules. He should be doing all the work at this point and forever transparent.

People who use celebrities as examples have zero credibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

NP ... I'm only remorseful for getting caught. But still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the 30 year woman. Those commenting with criticism are just ignorant and unkind to boot. Maybe go examine yourselves. I hope that it was helpful to know all the research supports as high as a 50% recovery rate with intensive therapy. It is very important for the person who cheated to understand that their lack of integrity comes from somewhere and also the reasons they were willing to deceive their partner. It usually has to do with their own trauma. Damaged people damage people and that is what cheating is. Good luck and best wishes.

not all damaged people damage others. why is it impossible for cheaters to be accountable for their actions?

[Anonymous]

It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

NP ... I'm only remorseful for getting caught. But still together.

Just divorce, whore. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people you know have faced that. Seriously. You just don’t know. It is a dirty secret kept between the couple and their therapists if they make it.

You can’t paint a broad brush. Nobody’s circumstances or marriages or partners are the same. Certainly there are some men and women cheaters that deserve to be divorced, maybe they even left if their own accord and didn’t want to work on their marriage.

There are people that see the hurt and would never think of doing it again because they had to face the pain and destruction of the person they loved and valued the most. Jay-Z and Letterman did an interview discussing their personal infidelities and commented similar.

What you see on TV and in movies is bogus. They do not show anything about the aftermath in a marriage.

If a marriage was really good and family kids happy AND the cheater has shown true remorse and made Herculean effort to change, including therapy for a very long time you can end up with a person better than the one you married and relationship better than those with no cheating but animosity, boredom and contempt. We all knows those miserable couples—but hey none of them cheated, right? They are miserable though.

The implosion can cause great change for the better ultimately because nothing is off topic and nobody is limping through or not being held accountable.

I realize the hurt of the one poster whose father was a serial cheater, but many kids have ZERO idea their mother or father cheated at one point. Zero. I have a friend whose mother confessed at 70 when she was having trouble in her own relationship that her dad had a brief affair in midlife. It blew her mind because what she saw was a loving happy couple that she felt she couldn’t live up to.

Your heartbreak, your rules. He should be doing all the work at this point and forever transparent.

People who use celebrities as examples have zero credibility.

Yeah because it would be better if I said Bob and Mike from Rockville.

[Anonymous]

30 year woman again. My husband is 100 percent accountable, deeply remorseful but more important he is also getting to the bottom of what caused him to act the way he did. He is deeply connected now to his love, empathy and shame in a way he had learned to dissociate and turn off. But absolutely not my fault or responsibility. This is the absolute worst trauma I have been through, worse than sexual assault, but that does not mean that divorce is the next best step when you and your spouse are digging out of the aftermath of him completely wrecking your life but also his life. The other woman is also deeply damaged also of course. In our case she presented as just in an “open marriage” but she knew he was lying and cheating so it is not different than most OWs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The majority have been women who chose to stay with their cheating husbands. That you still lash out at OW is telling, actually, it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The majority have been women who chose to stay with their cheating husbands. That you still lash out at OW is telling, actually, it's sad.

Sad you are such a whore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:30 year woman again. My husband is 100 percent accountable, deeply remorseful but more important he is also getting to the bottom of what caused him to act the way he did. He is deeply connected now to his love, empathy and shame in a way he had learned to dissociate and turn off. But absolutely not my fault or responsibility. This is the absolute worst trauma I have been through, worse than sexual assault, but that does not mean that divorce is the next best step when you and your spouse are digging out of the aftermath of him completely wrecking your life but also his life. The other woman is also deeply damaged also of course. In our case she presented as just in an “open marriage” but she knew he was lying and cheating so it is not different than most OWs.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The OW got very angry when my spouse started therapy because he was having a crisis of conscience for what he was doing and had brought up ending their NSA. She said “this will mean you will break up with me”. She also got mad at him when we got a family dog. She stalked me. She was married and looking to find a new guy to support her and kids.

These people are crazy and angry for others happiness.

Omg. I had a similar experience. She told me she was extremely jealous of me. She’s cheating on her husband by screwing mine and yet she’s jealous of me?!! Wtf? Yeah- I’m really lucky to be cheated on, sweetie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s telling the amount of OW weighing in. Bitter after they were dumped and do not want to see the guy they tried to exit with reconcile and be happy.

The majority have been women who chose to stay with their cheating husbands. That you still lash out at OW is telling, actually, it's sad.

Sad you are such a whore.

I'm not the other woman. But you prove my point you chose to keep your cheating husband and babysit him and spend your time raging at the OW who is most likely not thinking bout you. What kind of life is that? You deserve better than babysitting a loser of a man and becoming bitter.