Recovery after affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:divorce.

The marriage was over once he put his penis in someone else's body. You didn't break the marriage he did.

To me, I told DH before we married that an affair is a deal breaker, Full stop. No questions asked. Why do other woman have no backbone?

Just stop. It is very very different 20, 30 years in with kids and a long history. Nobody knows what they will do UNTIL it happens.

I have some bad*ss friends that always preached the same thing that ended up staying and making it work. Ones that were 'not over my dead body' types.

It's pathetic when we attack the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:divorce.

The marriage was over once he put his penis in someone else's body. You didn't break the marriage he did.

To me, I told DH before we married that an affair is a deal breaker, Full stop. No questions asked. Why do other woman have no backbone?

Just stop. It is very very different 20, 30 years in with kids and a long history. Nobody knows what they will do UNTIL it happens.

I have some bad*ss friends that always preached the same thing that ended up staying and making it work. Ones that were 'not over my dead body' types.

It's pathetic when we attack the wrong person.

The biggest loudmouths are usually the ones who have husbands cheating behind their backs. One woman in our neighborhood is always saying stuff like that...and had no idea her husband has been having an affair for YEARS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are working on it. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done but he has done a tremendous amount of therapy work and really gotten in touch with childhood trauma and neglect that was the driver. I know it sounds strange but our marriage was very good before it and he fell into it with a clearly also damaged co worker. We are now 15 months out from discovery. We are both in a lot of grief over what he did to me and to us and his own lack of integrity but the stats are good that you can recovery with lots and lots of work. We have been together almost 30 years.

I wish you well and ignore the b*tch that posted after you. It often takes MORE courage and strength to stay and confront it. People that have never been confronted with discovery (and there very well may be cheating they are unaware of) are full of a lot of BS.

[Anonymous]

I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

[Anonymous]

I an sorry, Op, a lot of us have been through it and especially if he is committed to treatment/therapy, you can get through it over time and you can be better as a couple. Let him do the work that is his. Take care of yourself. The old marriage is over, but you can rebuild. I remember reading something that captured how it is. The landscape of your marriage is altered, and there is now this different aspect added to the landscape, but it is not the whole picture. You won’t ever forget but you can live with it and he may be a better, more loving husband. Mine is. It changed and humbled us both, it absolutely brought me to my knees and was the worst pain i have known. (His was emotional). But somehow he mustered the will to do the work of repair and it made all the difference. Sending my best wishes to you. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:divorce.

The marriage was over once he put his penis in someone else's body. You didn't break the marriage he did.

To me, I told DH before we married that an affair is a deal breaker, Full stop. No questions asked. Why do other woman have no backbone?

Just stop. It is very very different 20, 30 years in with kids and a long history. Nobody knows what they will do UNTIL it happens.

I have some bad*ss friends that always preached the same thing that ended up staying and making it work. Ones that were 'not over my dead body' types.

It's pathetic when we attack the wrong person.

I'm 23 years in and I wouldn’t put up with that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if your spouse knew you would leave over this...he wouldn't have risked it. He knew you would stay...so he had nothing to lose

[Anonymous]

I divorced, with 2 young children. It was very difficult but honestly one of the best decisions of my life.

[Anonymous]

This is the 30 year woman. Those commenting with criticism are just ignorant and unkind to boot. Maybe go examine yourselves. I hope that it was helpful to know all the research supports as high as a 50% recovery rate with intensive therapy. It is very important for the person who cheated to understand that their lack of integrity comes from somewhere and also the reasons they were willing to deceive their partner. It usually has to do with their own trauma. Damaged people damage people and that is what cheating is. Good luck and best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I an sorry, Op, a lot of us have been through it and especially if he is committed to treatment/therapy, you can get through it over time and you can be better as a couple. Let him do the work that is his. Take care of yourself. The old marriage is over, but you can rebuild. I remember reading something that captured how it is. The landscape of your marriage is altered, and there is now this different aspect added to the landscape, but it is not the whole picture. You won’t ever forget but you can live with it and he may be a better, more loving husband. Mine is. It changed and humbled us both, it absolutely brought me to my knees and was the worst pain i have known. (His was emotional). But somehow he mustered the will to do the work of repair and it made all the difference. Sending my best wishes to you. You are not alone.

I posted above. Ours was about 4 years ago, the marriage is healthier, we have been through hell together and are now in a really good place. I stayed for the following :
1. Despite our having neglected our marriage and having been in a bad patch due to focusing on work children, etc. when it happened, we loved each other and had a strong foundation.
2. I saw his pain at having caused mine. It was not what he said. It was me observing and seeing his shame, remorse and suffering. It was real, I knew it was real pain for me and it helped me.
3. He was able to bear all of my strong reactions and did what i said i needed him to do. (Therapy, ending it, answering all my questions, etc)
4. I was able to understand over time what made him do it. It's not an excuse. But over time i got it viscerally. And we talked about it and faced it. That helped.
5. We had two young children and a 20 year history. I wanted to save the marriage, although it took me time to know for sure.
6. I have no regrets. I chose to stay, understanding there are no guarantees and whatever happens, I know I am a strong person and will survive, irrespective of what he does. I trust myself.
Good luck. You have time, no need to decide anything,just take it one day at a time. And be kind to yourself. It's a traumatic thing you have been through.

[Anonymous]

If it’s was a one night stand with a stranger and it was just lust, I could get over it, maybe. But your husband had real feelings, sex, romance, travel .. god no! I wouldn’t want to be his parole officer for the rest of his life checking his phone and accounts. Besides people can get burner phones and set up secret accounts anyway. You’d always wonder where he was if he’s late. I’d divorce.

[Anonymous]

All I will say is don' assume i will be best for your kids. My mom was you.

O the outside, their friends, and folks from Church think my parents had a wonderful marriage that survived infidelity.

MY dad continued to cheat until he got too sick to do so and then my mom got to be his caregiver.

My sisters and I got to learn all about infidelity. Our parents didn't have to tell us a thing, kids are very perceptive.

Oh and during one of the times my dad was in the hospital before he go too sick I found one of his messages to his AP on his phone, this was 30 years after the marriage had recovered.

If you really want to stay that's up to you. But be realistic about what you're going o face, physically and emotionally, and be real that staying together isn't always great for the kids.

[Anonymous]

If he continued to be deceptive obviously, that is toxic and no way to live. But the goal is real healing, really working it through: That he comes to know this aspect of himself that drove it, that he can face it and that you both make choices after knowing those factors, and if you want to create a new relationship and go forward together. Some couples really are able to do that, it's not a charade

[Anonymous]

Top notch therapy can be a gamechanger, yes.

[Anonymous]

So many people you know have faced that. Seriously. You just don’t know. It is a dirty secret kept between the couple and their therapists if they make it.

You can’t paint a broad brush. Nobody’s circumstances or marriages or partners are the same. Certainly there are some men and women cheaters that deserve to be divorced, maybe they even left if their own accord and didn’t want to work on their marriage.

There are people that see the hurt and would never think of doing it again because they had to face the pain and destruction of the person they loved and valued the most. Jay-Z and Letterman did an interview discussing their personal infidelities and commented similar.

What you see on TV and in movies is bogus. They do not show anything about the aftermath in a marriage.

If a marriage was really good and family kids happy AND the cheater has shown true remorse and made Herculean effort to change, including therapy for a very long time you can end up with a person better than the one you married and relationship better than those with no cheating but animosity, boredom and contempt. We all knows those miserable couples—but hey none of them cheated, right? They are miserable though.

The implosion can cause great change for the better ultimately because nothing is off topic and nobody is limping through or not being held accountable.

I realize the hurt of the one poster whose father was a serial cheater, but many kids have ZERO idea their mother or father cheated at one point. Zero. I have a friend whose mother confessed at 70 when she was having trouble in her own relationship that her dad had a brief affair in midlife. It blew her mind because what she saw was a loving happy couple that she felt she couldn’t live up to.

Your heartbreak, your rules. He should be doing all the work at this point and forever transparent.