Recovery after affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

LMAO- this just means that the cheating DH is a very good liar and was able to pick up the affair again after months of convincing his wife it meant nothing.

Not everyone is like you. There are people that face their issues in therapy and life and change.

Another fun fact, surveys show that 64% of men that cheated were in happy marriages while only 34% of women were. Women look for an exit in cheating. The sad truth is less than 2% of them ever find it with an AP. And if they do those marriages have a 75%+ failure rate. Talk about fooling yourself...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 year old woman here. That is so funny about the pink pussy hat. There is a photo of the OW who slept with my husband on her husband’s instagram with her in a pink pussy hat. She would def tell everyone around her she is a feminist but she supported lying and cheating. She even once said to my husband to delete texts so he would not be caught and end up divorced. It is 100 percent his fault but her damage also played into it some.

See? She wanted the best for you and was not a threat to your marriage.

DP. I’m assuming this is sarcasm. Yes- f@cking someone’s husband and helping him cover his tracks is the epitome of wanting the best for their marriage.

Nope, not sarcasm. OW is gettin' hers (NSA sex), DH is gettin' his (NSA sex), and DW is gettin' hers too (solid marriage with whatever amount of sex she wants presumably). Everyone wins.

The DW is getting lies and exposure to STIs since the AP is an open marriage and the AP’s husband is also non-monogamous. The AP probably has other FBs as well since she is polyamorous (code word for whore).

You think she is “The Patron Saint of P@ssy”? Saving marriages all over the DMV by telling husbands how to lie and cover their tracks while she sucks then off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 year old woman here. That is so funny about the pink pussy hat. There is a photo of the OW who slept with my husband on her husband’s instagram with her in a pink pussy hat. She would def tell everyone around her she is a feminist but she supported lying and cheating. She even once said to my husband to delete texts so he would not be caught and end up divorced. It is 100 percent his fault but her damage also played into it some.

See? She wanted the best for you and was not a threat to your marriage.

DP. I’m assuming this is sarcasm. Yes- f@cking someone’s husband and helping him cover his tracks is the epitome of wanting the best for their marriage.

Nope, not sarcasm. OW is gettin' hers (NSA sex), DH is gettin' his (NSA sex), and DW is gettin' hers too (solid marriage with whatever amount of sex she wants presumably). Everyone wins.

The DW is getting lies and exposure to STIs since the AP is an open marriage and the AP’s husband is also non-monogamous. The AP probably has other FBs as well since she is polyamorous (code word for whore).

You think she is “The Patron Saint of P@ssy”? Saving marriages all over the DMV by telling husbands how to lie and cover their tracks while she sucks then off.

+1

When someone is hiding and lying about something this big in a marriage it’s causing all kinds of strain and breaks in a marriage even before the spouse finds out. The mental gymnastics cheaters use is quite remarkable. They sound like Trump the way they believe their nonsense.

[Anonymous]

IME, you'll feel like a doormat loser who is constantly living a lie and presenting a fake life if you stay married to a lying cheater, and you'll never trust them again. You'll always feel like you don't and can't know the whole truth. If your mileage varies, good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

LMAO- this just means that the cheating DH is a very good liar and was able to pick up the affair again after months of convincing his wife it meant nothing.

Not everyone is like you. There are people that face their issues in therapy and life and change.

Another fun fact, surveys show that 64% of men that cheated were in happy marriages while only 34% of women were. Women look for an exit in cheating. The sad truth is less than 2% of them ever find it with an AP. And if they do those marriages have a 75%+ failure rate. Talk about fooling yourself...

You’re so angry with women at large.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few that by all appearances ended up thriving, but the common theme was the affair was never about love (no romantic dinners, gifts or gestures--just wham bam) and they were in context of an otherwise very happy and very long marriage. The offending spouses took full responsibility, remorse, did tons of therapy and truly changed after the ordeal. All are now empty nesters (or almost empty nesters) and look like they are having the time of their lives. Nobody never knows what any marriage is like behind closed doors, but these couples re-invented their marriage and worked hard at it post-discovery and seem happier than a lot of couples I know that muddle on in silent misery. But, again, they truly always loved each other. The marriage was born out of passion, not settling and the initial foundation was very strong.

The ones I saw fall apart post-affair were not very good to begin with. I also saw a lot of divorces at empty nest stage with no known affair, but zero like/love and people that were living separate lives prior.

LMAO- this just means that the cheating DH is a very good liar and was able to pick up the affair again after months of convincing his wife it meant nothing.

Not everyone is like you. There are people that face their issues in therapy and life and change.

Another fun fact, surveys show that 64% of men that cheated were in happy marriages while only 34% of women were. Women look for an exit in cheating. The sad truth is less than 2% of them ever find it with an AP. And if they do those marriages have a 75%+ failure rate. Talk about fooling yourself...

This is where they make a calculation error when they assume what they are doing has great meaning to the AP as well. They come at it from their own misguided reasoning and feelings. They can’t think like a man. It’s a fatal error- especially if they wasted years in this dead-end situation and now back on the market older and worn from the emotional wear and tear—-or if they are married and their spouse finds out. An old mistress is a tragic thing. There is an expiration date. They have to believe it had great meaning. The alternative is too ugly. And, really, who wants to start a relationship from a dishonest place to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

Do you have kids and did they find out what you did?

[Anonymous]

In all honesty OP - once a dish breaks, you can always put the pieces of it back together w/glue.....but you will have to accept that the cracks will always remain & that they will always be a tangible reminder.

You can either toss the dish >>> or hold on to it with the knowledge that the dish will NEVER be the same dish that it once was.

Do you want your marriage to go back to what it was prior to this affair??
If so, I have sad 💔 news for you.
It will never happen.

If you are willing to live w/the fact that your marriage will now consist of an entirely different dynamic then there is hope.

I personally could never be w/a man who cheated.
I would always be questioning everything he said and did.
Plus all the time & exhaustion involved in making sure he was being honest would be too overwhelming.
Especially with two children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a WW so you may not want to hear from me, I am sorry for what you are going through. After d-day, my H made the decision not to decide at that time. He recognized he was a mess because of my actions. That did not mean I had a get-out-of-jail-free card; he had very specific expectations from me to even give our marriage a chance. So my advice is you do not need to make a huge decision immediately. Maybe give it six months. Or a year. Or not! Frankly, you have the right to make the decision you want at any time. Your husband took the truth of your life away from you for at least nine months, and now that you have that truth, it is your right to make the choice you feel is best for you (and your kids) at any time...whether that is now, in a year, in five years. Again, I am sorry you are going through this, and good luck.

Are you only remorseful for getting caught?

I am this PP. I hate what I did, I hate that I thought my actions were okay, I hate that I changed my spouse irrevocably. I am remorseful because I hurt people with my own selfish choices. If I could go back and change my choices I would but I can't, so I decided to take responsibility for my actions, do therapy, self-reflect and make deep, introspective change in myself. I understand that some will not believe that it can be done, because too many Wayward Spouses talk the talk but never walk the walk. It's not easy to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in this scenario. It's a lot easier to deflect and deny and especially self-justify, and unfortunately many take that the easier path instead of getting to the root cause and working toward becoming a healthier and more authentic person.

As for OP, now that she has the truth of her life she can decide what to do moving forward. She can make that decision at any time, when she is ready. I do think individual therapy would be good, for her to have a safe place to vent and work through feelings and future plans. Good luck OP.

What things did he require if you? Did he mount a ring doorbell on all entryways and Nest cameras all over the house if you had the affair at home? If not, did he put a magnetic GPS tracker on the bottom of your car and hide voice active recorders inside your car and home? Did he run a credit report to see if you had credit cards or accounts he didn’t know of? Is he requiring quarterly STD testing? Does he not allow you to travel or for her to have overnights or “sleepovers with her girlfriends”? Did he have you end any relationship ships with girlfriends that aided in her deception and served as alibis? Did he make you switch to a flip phone? Did he install key logger in all laptops/home computers? Is he requiring you to stay in therapy indefinitely?

Did he get an adequate explanation of “why” you chose to screw other men?

These are all serious questions. I’m not sure what men do to believe their cheating wives have stopped their behavior?

[Anonymous]

^yes. I don’t think your “self-reflection” would be enough to rebuild trust for me without many of the things listed above. I’m curious of your husband’s thoughts on this. Is he generally a pushover you lie to easily and he makes himself believe it? I wonder what his own mother was like?

[Anonymous]

I am WW wife. My H is far from a pushover, far from weak in any way. He is the strongest, best, most authentic person I know. I am not going to go into more details because this is not my thread. I will bow out for now unless OP has a specific question for me. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am WW wife. My H is far from a pushover, far from weak in any way. He is the strongest, best, most authentic person I know. I am not going to go into more details because this is not my thread. I will bow out for now unless OP has a specific question for me. Good luck OP.

Thanks for perspective. I find it interesting because when women are cheated on they are always accused of being weak, pushovers. The stigma is deep.

[Anonymous]

WW wife — thanks for posting. I am 30 year wife. The therapy and work you have done on yourself sounds veyr much like what my husband is doing. There is no deflection, no blame, it had nothing to do with me. I was a wonderful wife and mother and we had plenty of sex. The issues lay with him and lack of integration was a very real issue. Therapy will be life long but even though I am in the worst pain of my life a lot, I still find it more of a worthy path for me to watch my husband put himself together again and become the man and husband he should have been all along. The issue with the OW here is that she happened to intersect with him at a very bad time for him and we do need people who are not just looking to bed married men which I think might be part of her bag. Anyway good for you for doing the work and facing yourself in the mirror. My husband is doing the same and I know his pain is enormous for what he did to me and us and that he almost lost me and will lose me if the huge changes somehow did not continue,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am WW wife. My H is far from a pushover, far from weak in any way. He is the strongest, best, most authentic person I know. I am not going to go into more details because this is not my thread. I will bow out for now unless OP has a specific question for me. Good luck OP.

Thanks for perspective. I find it interesting because when women are cheated on they are always accused of being weak, pushovers. The stigma is deep.

+1. I appreciate the perspective too, and I admire the honesty.