Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger

You think people cheat out of anger? Why? Do they realize this? A lot of them want to stay in marriages.

I had an (emotional) affair with a man who seemed *deeply* angry with his wife. Of course everything he told me could have been a lie, but he seemed to blame the supposed sexlessness and lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage all on her. This wasn’t very attractive to me and thankfully contributed to the demise of our flirtation.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

Obviously the whore who was planning an exit affair with him and is bitter and jaded to find herself dumped. Quite possibly the one that hung in there 10 years. Lol

+1 for anyone to get that worked up over an anonymous poster, you can pretty much guess why.

I was SAH to a child with serious medical needs, feeling sad about doing what I had to in order to keep them and life in general ok, when I started reading DCUM as a mindless pleasure, and when that tale of woe went somewhat viral here. I am not a cheater, and have a good, sexual marriage to a man who is…also not a cheater! I detest mommy wars and the kind of pigs like that poster and you who think it’s fine if other posters catch strays because you and others here chose rather poorly when you got engaged.

That’s some serious fiction. I like how you threw in the special needs child. Pigs? I think you might want to re-read your own posts, crazy lady.

You’re such a foul little dummy. The OW who apparently was with someone’s DH for a decade has chimed in. What I wrote was true, and I’m glad that the betrayed she-beast with the slut DH is as miserable as she quite obviously is, as a neat little bit of symmetry to what she posted here. And yes, you and she are terribly piggish. I’m sick of the unanswered crap some betrayed wives post here that effectively attack many other women, who don’t and haven’t cheated. It’s gross, just like you!

DP. Nobody believes for a minute you aren’t an OW or former jilted OW. The fact you are so full of vitriol is a tell.

Fwiw, Nobody is the “Patron Saint of OW” as you deem yourself to be. That’s not a position that anyone wants to hold.

Oh yes. I am the Patron Saint of Child abusers or the Patton Saint of Shoplifters,,, give me a break.

So beyond being unusually and aggressively stupid, you’re confused about patron sainthood. I see!

I’m not any of the things you wish me to be. I’m so tired of the slams that miserable betrayed women toss at others in order to spare their douchelord husbands; it’s flat out misogyny and the fact that you and your fellow misery heifers lean on that so hard is a tell on you, and not on anyone else. The only reasonable conclusion is that the betrayed poster is responsible for much of her misery. It is what it is.

You have been calling people names for 3 pages now. Completely unhinged. People are responding rationally, even to the 10-year woman. There were no insults. There was calling her out to be accountable.

Man, you just hate, hate some stupid betrayed wives. G-damn them. The same women tearing apart the married men are on the flip side crying and angry that he won't marry them. It's quite ironic. He's so awful, but I tried and tried and tried to get him to marry me and she's so stupid to be married to him. I want to be married to him.

Good lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger

You think people cheat out of anger? Why? Do they realize this? A lot of them want to stay in marriages.

I had an (emotional) affair with a man who seemed *deeply* angry with his wife. Of course everything he told me could have been a lie, but he seemed to blame the supposed sexlessness and lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage all on her. This wasn’t very attractive to me and thankfully contributed to the demise of our flirtation.

It's acting out. Plain and simple. Mommy issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger

You think people cheat out of anger? Why? Do they realize this? A lot of them want to stay in marriages.

I had an (emotional) affair with a man who seemed *deeply* angry with his wife. Of course everything he told me could have been a lie, but he seemed to blame the supposed sexlessness and lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage all on her. This wasn’t very attractive to me and thankfully contributed to the demise of our flirtation.

It's acting out. Plain and simple. Mommy issues.

A lot of these guys didn't get the attention as children...just like the women with daddy issues.

[Anonymous]

Lol there’s no “mindset” of a cheater, because there’s no mind involved! It’s all hormones!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol there’s no “mindset” of a cheater, because there’s no mind involved! It’s all hormones!

Bingo !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are often rational actors. The marriage is bad, no sex for example. The cost of divorce might be hight--financial and loosing custody of the kids. By cheating they can have their cake and eat it too.

If it works out they win. If it doesn't, they are no worse off than if they just got divorced.

Except that’s not true for most men. They don’t want a divorce. They often are still having sex at home, but her greedy and want some variety as they face down middle age. They get caught and life implodes and they cause great hurt to those they love. They seriously fk up a good thing.

It wasn’t such a good thing for him. There is no delusion greater than that of the 3 DCUM betrayed wives who didn’t leave despite “having the great job and insurance we rely on,” who were having “great sex multiple times a week,” who of course are far far hotter than the slut he found plus no doubt 99% of all women —— and then, record scratch, this Adonis hero dad and DH bafflingly started acting like the whore he is. Just give it up! You’re wrong, you never knew him fully, and if he was patiently plotting and scheduling times to screw for YEARS, even with “no feelings,” his feelings for YOU were full of contempt. You choose to stay, because you have no dignity and want to be the victim til you croak. And now you are a victim by your own compliance with his lies. Just be honest here for once.

What inspires people to write such cruel things? Did you leave a cheating husband, pp? Your feelings are obviously very strong but I don’t understand this judgment for other people’s choices. Leaving is HARD, staying is HARD. Betrayed spouses are in a situation where they can’t win. And everyone in the situation is complicated with complicated feelings, the cheaters, the betrayed spouses. Maybe we can’t ever truly “know” anyone, even ourselves.

Obviously the whore who was planning an exit affair with him and is bitter and jaded to find herself dumped. Quite possibly the one that hung in there 10 years. Lol

+1 for anyone to get that worked up over an anonymous poster, you can pretty much guess why.

I was SAH to a child with serious medical needs, feeling sad about doing what I had to in order to keep them and life in general ok, when I started reading DCUM as a mindless pleasure, and when that tale of woe went somewhat viral here. I am not a cheater, and have a good, sexual marriage to a man who is…also not a cheater! I detest mommy wars and the kind of pigs like that poster and you who think it’s fine if other posters catch strays because you and others here chose rather poorly when you got engaged.

That’s some serious fiction. I like how you threw in the special needs child. Pigs? I think you might want to re-read your own posts, crazy lady.

You’re such a foul little dummy. The OW who apparently was with someone’s DH for a decade has chimed in. What I wrote was true, and I’m glad that the betrayed she-beast with the slut DH is as miserable as she quite obviously is, as a neat little bit of symmetry to what she posted here. And yes, you and she are terribly piggish. I’m sick of the unanswered crap some betrayed wives post here that effectively attack many other women, who don’t and haven’t cheated. It’s gross, just like you!

DP. Nobody believes for a minute you aren’t an OW or former jilted OW. The fact you are so full of vitriol is a tell.

Fwiw, Nobody is the “Patron Saint of OW” as you deem yourself to be. That’s not a position that anyone wants to hold.

Oh yes. I am the Patron Saint of Child abusers or the Patton Saint of Shoplifters,,, give me a break.

So beyond being unusually and aggressively stupid, you’re confused about patron sainthood. I see!

I’m not any of the things you wish me to be. I’m so tired of the slams that miserable betrayed women toss at others in order to spare their douchelord husbands; it’s flat out misogyny and the fact that you and your fellow misery heifers lean on that so hard is a tell on you, and not on anyone else. The only reasonable conclusion is that the betrayed poster is responsible for much of her misery. It is what it is.

You have been calling people names for 3 pages now. Completely unhinged. People are responding rationally, even to the 10-year woman. There were no insults. There was calling her out to be accountable.

Man, you just hate, hate some stupid betrayed wives. G-damn them. The same women tearing apart the married men are on the flip side crying and angry that he won't marry them. It's quite ironic. He's so awful, but I tried and tried and tried to get him to marry me and she's so stupid to be married to him. I want to be married to him.

Good lord.

That is true for your imaginary villain - not for me. Not for the woman who apparently was cheating for a decade, who should stop posting here, because it’s not like she’ll get a measured audience nor decent advice.

The posters who eviscerate the other women and hurl overly inclusive and yes misogynistic, BS in lieu of taking a look at the a-hole they married deserve to get back a sliver of what they put on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger

You think people cheat out of anger? Why? Do they realize this? A lot of them want to stay in marriages.

I had an (emotional) affair with a man who seemed *deeply* angry with his wife. Of course everything he told me could have been a lie, but he seemed to blame the supposed sexlessness and lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage all on her. This wasn’t very attractive to me and thankfully contributed to the demise of our flirtation.

It's acting out. Plain and simple. Mommy issues.

A lot of these guys didn't get the attention as children...just like the women with daddy issues.

Mind blown. This connects some things over the 10 years I have been involved with a MM. No I’m not blaming him. Yes I am half to blame. So much of what attracted me to him was whatever wound I wanted to fix for him. And how he relied on me. I relied on him to make me feel worthy and needed. Unhealthy and immature for sure. Not so different than any other romance though. Who’s to say a hundred single people don’t fall for each other under the same irrational and unhealthy pretexts. That we are both married makes it all fake and wrong in the eyes of those who judge.

Everyone one has something they deal with, or fight to overcome. Even people who say they don’t. No one is perfect. Others just deal with it more maturely than escapism and cheating.

I get it. I’m a POS. Go ahead and flame me.

Obviously I’m working though some things.

[Anonymous]

Some people overeat. Some people obsessively count calories. Some people get sexual escapes. Some people get bitter and mean. Some people spend excess money to fill the void. The underlying issues that lead people to these behaviors are usually the same. People are sad, depressed, anxious, unfulfilled. We’re all just doing the best we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger

You think people cheat out of anger? Why? Do they realize this? A lot of them want to stay in marriages.

I had an (emotional) affair with a man who seemed *deeply* angry with his wife. Of course everything he told me could have been a lie, but he seemed to blame the supposed sexlessness and lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage all on her. This wasn’t very attractive to me and thankfully contributed to the demise of our flirtation.

It's acting out. Plain and simple. Mommy issues.

A lot of these guys didn't get the attention as children...just like the women with daddy issues.

Mind blown. This connects some things over the 10 years I have been involved with a MM. No I’m not blaming him. Yes I am half to blame. So much of what attracted me to him was whatever wound I wanted to fix for him. And how he relied on me. I relied on him to make me feel worthy and needed. Unhealthy and immature for sure. Not so different than any other romance though. Who’s to say a hundred single people don’t fall for each other under the same irrational and unhealthy pretexts. That we are both married makes it all fake and wrong in the eyes of those who judge.

Everyone one has something they deal with, or fight to overcome. Even people who say they don’t. No one is perfect. Others just deal with it more maturely than escapism and cheating.

I get it. I’m a POS. Go ahead and flame me.

Obviously I’m working though some things.

I am the above poster who had an emotional affair and I disagree with the bolded. The difference between your relationship and a relationship between two single people is not based on hormones or feelings- I happen to believe your feelings for an affair partner can be very real and that even men in affairs really do fall in love too.

The issue is that two single people can fully explore being with each other while your relationship with an AP is bound by secrecy and lies. You never truly get past the flattery and the illicit thrills because there is nowhere else to go. There’s no breakfast in bed or exploring the farmers market or finding out this person has annoying bathroom habits or meeting their family. You just never get there, not in this circumstance in our culture.

An affair feels like an addiction. And addictions aren’t a healthy way to move through the world. I haven’t even gotten to the damage you are doing to your own family and his. I’ve been there and it was a mistake- and it’s a mistake to truly compare it to a normal or healthy relationship. You have to see it for what it was to help yourself in moving on, and it was an illusory type of thing. I’m still recovering too and most of the posts here are not that helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people overeat. Some people obsessively count calories. Some people get sexual escapes. Some people get bitter and mean. Some people spend excess money to fill the void. The underlying issues that lead people to these behaviors are usually the same. People are sad, depressed, anxious, unfulfilled. We’re all just doing the best we can.

Overeating and obsessively counting calories only involve you. They only harm you.

Cheating causes great harm to others. It can result in STIs, STIs that can cause cancer, unwanted pregnancies and trauma to innocent children/spouses.

[Anonymous]

Type 2 Diabetes will harm entire families. And sets a poor standard for health choices for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anger

You think people cheat out of anger? Why? Do they realize this? A lot of them want to stay in marriages.

I had an (emotional) affair with a man who seemed *deeply* angry with his wife. Of course everything he told me could have been a lie, but he seemed to blame the supposed sexlessness and lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage all on her. This wasn’t very attractive to me and thankfully contributed to the demise of our flirtation.

It was a lie. Twisted facts and blame. Those are the mental gymnastics of cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Type 2 Diabetes will harm entire families. And sets a poor standard for health choices for kids.

Not to mention the taxpayers!

[Anonymous]

In a lot of cases it is opportunity + feeling deserving + thinking nobody will find out.

I had a husband who was the picture of a family man and claimed to be happy with me, and he got drunk and slept with a colleague during a company outing. Claims it was not premeditated or planned, just a dumb decision in the moment. There was no intention in telling the spouses. But then it was all discovered, both lost their jobs, and her husband and I divorced them.

The wounds from their selfish choices are something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and who knows how all of this will impact the six kids our families have between us who now have to live with the repercussions of one of their parents making terrible decisions that stole their stability and ripped apart their families.