Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Anger[/quote]

You think people cheat out of anger? Why? Do they realize this? A lot of them want to stay in marriages.[/quote]

I had an (emotional) affair with a man who seemed *deeply* angry with his wife.  Of course everything he told me could have been a lie, but he seemed to blame the supposed sexlessness and lack of emotional intimacy in their marriage all on her.  This wasn’t very attractive to me and thankfully contributed to the demise of our flirtation.[/quote]

It's acting out. Plain and simple. Mommy issues.  [/quote]

A lot of these guys didn't get the attention as children...just like the women with daddy issues.[/quote]

Mind blown. This connects some things over the 10 years I have been involved with a MM. No I’m not blaming him. Yes I am half to blame. So much of what attracted me to him was whatever wound I wanted to fix for him. And how he relied on me. I relied on him to make me feel worthy and needed. Unhealthy and immature for sure. [b]Not so different than any other romance though. Who’s to say a hundred single people don’t fall for each other under the same irrational and unhealthy pretexts. That we are both married makes it all fake and wrong in the eyes of those who judge. [/b]

Everyone one has something they deal with, or fight to overcome. Even people who say they don’t. No one is perfect. Others just deal with it more maturely than escapism and cheating.

I get it. I’m a POS. Go ahead and flame me.

Obviously I’m working though some things. [/quote]

I am the above poster who had an emotional affair and I disagree with the bolded.  The difference between your relationship and a relationship between two single people is not based on hormones or feelings- I happen to believe your feelings for an affair partner can be very real and that even men in affairs really do fall in love too.

The issue is that two single people can fully explore being with each other while your relationship with an AP is bound by secrecy and lies.  You never truly get past the flattery and the illicit thrills because there is nowhere else to go.  There’s no breakfast in bed or exploring the farmers market or finding out this person has annoying bathroom habits or meeting their family.  You just never get there, not in this circumstance in our culture.

An affair feels like an addiction.  And addictions aren’t a healthy way to move through the world.  I haven’t even gotten to the damage you are doing to your own family and his.  I’ve been there and it was a mistake- and it’s a mistake to truly compare it to a normal or healthy relationship.  You have to see it for what it was to help yourself in moving on, and it was an illusory type of thing.  I’m still recovering too and most of the posts here are not that helpful.[/quote]

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