Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Eh. There are plenty of posters on here insisting the OP should stick it out because that’s the hell they chose. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Lol, right. Tell that to OP’s children.

My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, after decades of a lousy marriage. Growing up with obviously unhappily married parents is something I’d never wish on anyone. Insisting that the OP suck it up and do the work while her DH does… something… is deeply misogynist.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Eh. There are plenty of posters on here insisting the OP should stick it out because that’s the hell they chose. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Lol, right. Tell that to OP’s children.

My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, after decades of a lousy marriage. Growing up with obviously unhappily married parents is something I’d never wish on anyone. Insisting that the OP suck it up and do the work while her DH does… something… is deeply misogynist.

And OP had a good marriage. Plenty of people reconcile and are happy with kids none the wiser.

What is the worst are people that have never been happy and model awful behavior and the wives despise the husbands and don’t find them attractive—but hey nobody cheated.

[Anonymous]

OP, I appreciate the long con you have going on in this post and can’t wait to read the book. Let us know when it’s ready for preorder. I’ll be waiting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Eh. There are plenty of posters on here insisting the OP should stick it out because that’s the hell they chose. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Lol, right. Tell that to OP’s children.

My parents divorced when I was in my 20s, after decades of a lousy marriage. Growing up with obviously unhappily married parents is something I’d never wish on anyone. Insisting that the OP suck it up and do the work while her DH does… something… is deeply misogynist.

That’s quite a leap. You still obviously have a lot to work through with that intense projection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't know about you, but for me a romantic "dream vacation" doesn't involve going with my parents or my in-laws. Let's not embellish.

First: Didn't say it was "romantic," just "dream." They were on the other side of the world when OP found out and when he was spending hours in contact with the OW. OP noted that this was a huge deal of a vacation. Not sure why you want to pick at terms like dream vacation.

Second: Did you read this whole thread and all of OP's posts? Their families are so deeply enmeshed I doubt they do much of anything including world travel without parents/in-laws along. Intensely close to both familes. Just saying, it's not "embellishing" anything to say that this was a huge deal vacation and yes, there were relatives along. Maybe pay more attetntion to OP's posts next time before you opine.

OP described it as “a family vacation abroad” in the very first sentence of her very first post. Nothing about a “dream vacation” or it being a “huge deal vacation.” You are embellishing. Perhaps YOU should pay more attention to what is actually written rather than editorializing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

Really sucks it falls on the back of the traumatized victim who actually put kids first to have to be the one “doing it to their kids”. The cheaters are the ones that did this to their kids. And the hood responsible person is left with two bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

Really sucks it falls on the back of the traumatized victim who actually put kids first to have to be the one “doing it to their kids”. The cheaters are the ones that did this to their kids. And the hood responsible person is left with two bad choices.

OP here and this exactly how I feel and have said this outloud multiple times already.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I don't know why there are a few posters here who seem to think you have some kind of moral obligation to stay in a broken marriage. It's one thing if you *want* to try to see if it can be repaired, but that's your choice to make, and neither choice is the wrong one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I appreciate the long con you have going on in this post and can’t wait to read the book. Let us know when it’s ready for preorder. I’ll be waiting!

Lol wut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

Really sucks it falls on the back of the traumatized victim who actually put kids first to have to be the one “doing it to their kids”. The cheaters are the ones that did this to their kids. And the hood responsible person is left with two bad choices.

OP here and this exactly how I feel and have said this outloud multiple times already.

I sympathize because I’m left with the same two choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

Really sucks it falls on the back of the traumatized victim who actually put kids first to have to be the one “doing it to their kids”. The cheaters are the ones that did this to their kids. And the hood responsible person is left with two bad choices.

OP here and this exactly how I feel and have said this outloud multiple times already.

I sympathize because I’m left with the same two choices.

I'm sorry. Are you leaning one way or the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

Really sucks it falls on the back of the traumatized victim who actually put kids first to have to be the one “doing it to their kids”. The cheaters are the ones that did this to their kids. And the hood responsible person is left with two bad choices.

OP here and this exactly how I feel and have said this outloud multiple times already.

I sympathize because I’m left with the same two choices.

I'm sorry. Are you leaning one way or the other?

Oh it changes all the time. It was to reconciling but my kids are older (high school) so I have less time and wouldn’t mess up their world right now (well he did that)- but it also means if I can’t move past it (which honestly don’t think I have the personality that can- dumped a boyfriend in my late teens for cheating)- I won’t have day to day single parenting and those logistics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like they were unhappy until this came to light. I agree if parents’ unhappiness trickles down to the kids, it’s better to separate. But in this case, so far, it appears things could be worked out. If from the kid’s perspective things are happy, it would be far more traumatic to be blindsided with a divorce.

This. Don’t do it to your kids.

Really sucks it falls on the back of the traumatized victim who actually put kids first to have to be the one “doing it to their kids”. The cheaters are the ones that did this to their kids. And the hood responsible person is left with two bad choices.

OP here and this exactly how I feel and have said this outloud multiple times already.

I sympathize because I’m left with the same two choices.

I also felt this way - only two bad choices. I thought a lot about which was the least bad choice. I also thought what would I advise my daughter if she came to me with my story. Would I tell her to stay? My situation was worse than yours OP in that it quickly became clear to me (after a period of keeping my eyes wide open and spending time sleuthing) that my now ex was doing far more than just the one time affair with a coworker on an overseas work trip that he confessed to. It took about a year for me to really understand the wide range of completely out of bounds behavior, and I would never in a million years have wanted to set the example that staying in a relationship with that kind of person is healthy or something either of my kids should feel obligated to do. It took another year and a half for me to finally be in a position to ask him to leave while being able to maintain full physical custody , which was important to me because are kids were very young, and he was not a good parent.

The hard part is that in the first few months or years, you have no idea which direction he will go - repentant learned a lesson better husband or hiding manipulating double faced husband? That’s why your priority should be creating legal and economic protections for yourself now, IMO.