Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dhs family doesn't know any details other than he had a long term affair. They didn't ask any questions. I did tell my best friend of 20+ years the details because I was dying to have support and a confidant.

This seems a bit disingenuous. Didn't he sleep with her ONCE?

Only takes one time to pass on herpes or hiv to his wife. With an old bartender, she's been around the block and then some.

Nice classism and misogyny there. Apparently OP's husband has also been around the block and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dhs family doesn't know any details other than he had a long term affair. They didn't ask any questions. I did tell my best friend of 20+ years the details because I was dying to have support and a confidant.

This seems a bit disingenuous. Didn't he sleep with her ONCE?

Only takes one time to pass on herpes or hiv to his wife. With an old bartender, she's been around the block and then some.

Nice classism and misogyny there. Apparently OP's husband has also been around the block and then some.

Don't forget ageism! A late 30s woman is old?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't know about you, but for me a romantic "dream vacation" doesn't involve going with my parents or my in-laws. Let's not embellish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Well. lets not forget all the ow/aps that post on here who would love nothing more than for the wives to initiate divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Well. lets not forget all the ow/aps that post on here who would love nothing more than for the wives to initiate divorce.

Oh, please. I doubt women are gagging for your dad-bod, balding husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Well. lets not forget all the ow/aps that post on here who would love nothing more than for the wives to initiate divorce.

Oh, please. I doubt women are gagging for your dad-bod, balding husbands.

I guess you don't regularly read these threads with all of the gloating APs who 'don't owe the wives' anything. Not their problem. So, yeah, I'd say there are plenty that would love nothing more for the divorce so their dreams /fantasies can come true because, of course, he would never cheat on her.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

My therpist is so great and I get a little high on life every time I have session with her. She is a wizard at streamlining my rollercoaster of emotions and blubbering thoughts into constructive, actionable goals.

Our couples counselor wants to see us individually this week so I'm interested how that will go.

DH has a business trip next week. I'm feeling surprisingly calm about it.

For mothers day 2020, DH sketched the most beautiful picture of our oldest and me. It's been framed and hanging in our entry way (seriously chose that spot so I could grab it in case of a fire/emergency- it's so special to me). I went into his office yesterday to print something and saw that it's currently tucked under his desk because he has been working on adding our little one into the sketch. It looks almost done. I'm not sure when he's going to give it me or how to react when he does. Lots of conflicting emotions.

[Anonymous]

You've been heard OP. I think you're entering the phase that is a bit more stable than the initial discovery phase . . . there may be moments where you feel normal-ish or even have brief bits of joy (glad you can still feel high on life these days!).

It's bittersweet to have your DH do something kind and thoughtful that reminds you that you once thought those were the only things he was. And now he's so many things at once and so are your feelings. That's to be expected for these circumstances, not that that makes it any easier.

You're doing great, OP. Hang in there. One step at a time . . .

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP. My therapist encouraged me for the first 3 months to add the phrase "right now" to the end of all of my thoughts which has been really helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP don’t divorce in haste. You are going to regret it if your DH is overall (aside from that one time) a good guy. Especially if he’s making it up to you and doing whatever he can do remedy the situation. No cap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Eh. There are plenty of posters on here insisting the OP should stick it out because that’s the hell they chose. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

[Anonymous]

first time poster, been reading...OP, I've seen my two best friends and a sibling go through this and just want to say...you're going to be fine, but you need to be mentally prepared for this to take time. It's still been less than a month. I'm talking years, in terms of your emotional recovery, regardless of if the marriage dissolves. In the case of one of my friends who was dealing with cheating, she had to go through the process of a lot of therapy, and the two of them together taking a hard look and figuring out what their marriage could be now. Basically how to rebuild it, because the old one was built on lies (much longer situation of cheating.) So give yourself time, don't feel like you need to make decisions fast. You will be coparenting with this man for a long long time no matter what. Take the time to work through all things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't know about you, but for me a romantic "dream vacation" doesn't involve going with my parents or my in-laws. Let's not embellish.

First: Didn't say it was "romantic," just "dream." They were on the other side of the world when OP found out and when he was spending hours in contact with the OW. OP noted that this was a huge deal of a vacation. Not sure why you want to pick at terms like dream vacation.

Second: Did you read this whole thread and all of OP's posts? Their families are so deeply enmeshed I doubt they do much of anything including world travel without parents/in-laws along. Intensely close to both familes. Just saying, it's not "embellishing" anything to say that this was a huge deal vacation and yes, there were relatives along. Maybe pay more attetntion to OP's posts next time before you opine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP don’t divorce in haste. You are going to regret it if your DH is overall (aside from that one time) a good guy. Especially if he’s making it up to you and doing whatever he can do remedy the situation. No cap.

Are you the poster who keeps coming back to try to minimize the level of betrayal OP feels and to emphasize how he only had sex with this woman once? While ignoring the years of sexting?
Why so invested in needing to minimize this? That's what a cheating DH is likely to try to do. Pretend that one sexual encounter years ago is all there was to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.

Eh. There are plenty of posters on here insisting the OP should stick it out because that’s the hell they chose. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

Lol, right. Tell that to OP’s children.