Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

^am now reading*

[Anonymous]

That is an excellent book.

I’m glad you are getting some self-care in today, OP.

[Anonymous]

That is a good book although I found over time some of the other books helped more in the situation where it is not a colleague at work, etc. who gradually enters into an EA, etc. But the windows/ walls concept is 100% critically important,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is a good book although I found over time some of the other books helped more in the situation where it is not a colleague at work, etc. who gradually enters into an EA, etc. But the windows/ walls concept is 100% critically important,

Do you mind sharing those titles? I’m 2/3 through NOT Just Friends and have read two others assigned to us at our first MC session 7 weeks ago. My husband met his APs not through an office situation but through his wide professional network. He had sexual relationships with three different women over the last seven years of our 20-yr marriage. In so many of these books examples given are much shorter marriages, younger couples, a single affair, or a ONS years ago, or a text/sexting situation. I’m trying to find something that addresses serial adultery over numerous years in a longer marriage with teens.

[Anonymous]

I’ve followed the entire thread. I offer my virtual support and care, OP.

[NP]

[Anonymous]

I will post some of my “library” later but did want to recommend the Center for Relational Awareness. I get their newsletter and, even though I have never used their programs, I do read the emails.

There are a lot of good podcasts also. There were a few episodes by Lisa Marie Bobby that helped me early. I will try to post some of the names for those podcasters also.

I tend to research and read about problems and it helped me with this crisis also.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dhs family doesn't know any details other than he had a long term affair. They didn't ask any questions. I did tell my best friend of 20+ years the details because I was dying to have support and a confidant.

This seems a bit disingenuous. Didn't he sleep with her ONCE?

Yes plus 2.5-3 years of constant texting/calls/sexting

This is not a 3 year affair in my mind. It's an affair, yes, but saying it's 3 years isn't quite honest.

NP. Whatever you need to tell yourself. Normal people understand that sexting is a form of cheating.

In a lot of instances this one time and then years of intense texts and calls--missing family vacation to talk/text can be worse than a no-strings--no emotion thing.

It's been shown women have a much harder time with emotional betrayal vs physical, whereas with men it's the opposite.

I wouldn't want either, but OP read his messages/texts and what she saw was eye opening and horrifying (from her earlier posts).

You're right. Why does everyone keep saying "at least he didn't do xyz" when the only scenarios are cheating and faithfulness.
Are you serious that you would rather have your DH f'ing someone regularly for 3 years, than him doing it once or twice and a lot of talk in between? Well, not me.

I choose neither, lol.

Seriously, why does thinking of ways that a horrible trauma and betrayal could be slightly worse even something we're doing here? At least he didn't murder the OW to keep her silent! At least he didn't steal the Mona Lisa on his way home from a tryst! Seriously, why is comparing what he did with what he didn't do a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

this! and also consider visiting the website forum survivinginfidelity.com

they were a lifesaver for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

[Anonymous]

New poster. Please stop implying, in subtle and not subtle ways, that OP should just get over it bc “it could be worse”. Some of us are empathizing with her journey and rooting for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I mean he slept with her once. Agreed that it was horrific. But he’s doing everything else right now and you have kids!!! Do you really think life is going to be better if you are dovorced? If he was a serial cheater I would get it. But honestly, life is not better after getting a divorce. Trust.

Did you miss the part where he skipped time with OP on vacation to text her? This wasn’t a one and done. Stop minimizing.

Is it worth it to divorce your DH for chatting with someone (who arguably was forcing/manipulating him to keep on texting) for a couple of years? Especially a DH who is working on bettering himself and doing what you want. Believe me, life is not better on the other side. All these posters pushing you to do just that are trying to make you as miserable as they are.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding. You need to sit down and READ the entire thread. This was not "chatting," this was sexting for YEARS, even as OP sat right there with him on a dream vacation

As another PP told you, you are minimizing this. I'm sorry your own experience "on the other side" of divorce has been difficult--I really am. But you are truly minimizing the violation here. If you believe that sexting is not cheating, fine for you, but all that matters here is what the OP considers cheating. Period. Not your opinion, not mine, just hers matters. Others here with actual experience of being cheated on are giving her solid advice, and not all of it is "divorce," but you missed that because you haven't really read this thread. Please either engage constructively here, taking OP's feelings as valid and serious like the rest of us do, or move on.

I don't think PP is minimizing the betrayal. I think she's realistic about the dire and awful consequences of divorce in this scenario. Right now, nothing seems as painful as his betrayal. In a few years, the pain of seeing her kids less, the lifelong implications of divorce on kids, the financial implications, the reality of her situation will be much more painful than his infidelity.

This.

Many of the posters on here are just egging OP on to divorce and leave DH because they want others to be suffering like they are.